Ep 25: "You're Not Supposed To Say This On A First Date!" How To Use Dating Apps To Attract Love
Welcome back to Episode 25 of Dating Greatly!
Today, I'm thrilled to have the smart and funny Maria Pendolino on the show! As a voice actor, comedian, and online dating veteran, Maria brings a unique blend of humour and practicality to the table.
In this episode, Maria shares amusing and memorable dating experiences, including a guy showing up in pajamas to their second date, and recounts the delightful story of her 97th date on Bumble, where a conversation about pickling and canning sparked a connection with her now-husband.
This episode provides a wealth of insight and encouragement for listeners, especially those navigating the challenges of the online dating world!
If you're unsure of how to present yourself on dating apps and need some simple and empowering advice, this episode is for you!
READ ALONG
Yvonne [00:00:00]:
I'd like to welcome to the show today. I'm Maria Pendolino. Maria, I'm very excited to have you on. Thank you so much for joining me.
Maria Pendolino [00:00:08]:
Thank you. I'm so excited to be here with you.
Yvonne [00:00:10]:
Awesome. I am very excited to talk about your 97 date adventure. I feel like you have a lot to share and especially for women that are currently on dating apps or maybe considering going on dating apps. So yeah, maybe I'll start there and just ask you what I was thinking about this question and I said, what motivated you to go on 97 dates? But I really kind of what the word that actually came to mind was like, what possessed you to go on 97 dates? What happened?
Maria Pendolino [00:00:53]:
It's a great question. So I went on 97 1st dates over the course of 13 years. So the very first date that I went on an online date was in 2003. It was my senior year of college. And it came from the website hotornot.com dot. So those of us who are aging, elderly, millennials or young Gen X may remember this website where you would upload a picture of yourself and people could either rank you as hot or not. It was very simple. So this is pre Facebook, pre TikTok, pre social media, pre dating apps like Bumble and Tinder.
Maria Pendolino [00:01:43]:
OkCupid didn't exist yet. Match.com didn't exist yet. So I posted a picture, senior of college, and somebody ranked me hot and then sent me like a private message on the platform and was like, oh, we actually live really close together. Would you like to go on a date? And that was like the first one. And then over the course of 13 years, I went on 96 more dates. And they all originated from some type of online connection platform. I used Craigslist personals, where I would put a personal ad and people would respond to me. I tried match.com, i tried eharmony, I tried okcupid, I tried plenty of fish.
Maria Pendolino [00:02:26]:
I tried Tinder and bumble. And ultimately in 2016, I met my husband on Bumble. He was my 97th 1st date. And that was the last one. And hopefully forever the last one.
Yvonne [00:02:39]:
Amazing. Wow. Yeah. Unfortunately, I do remember. Hot or not. Yeah. Oh, my God, I can't believe a first date came out of that, that platform. Amazing that on your 90, your 97th 1st date was with your now husband.
Yvonne [00:02:58]:
And, yeah, I want to know, when you started going on this adventure, like putting yourself on the online platforms, what made you choose that way in, you know, instead of like, the organic way of meeting?
Maria Pendolino [00:03:17]:
Yeah, I think for me it was a couple of things. So I was not a big drinker, and I was not the kind of person who was, like, bar hopping a lot. So I didn't think in your early twenties, going out and socializing is definitely a big way that folks meet people organically. And I just felt like I wasn't doing a lot of that just from the way that I spent my time and how my friends and I, like, socialized. I also, like, in my early twenties, in the end of college, and, like, going into my first couple years of, like, adulthood, like, outside of an educational setting. Like, I was a workaholic. I was at work very, very late, and there just wasn't a lot of time to just, like, put yourself out there. So if it wasn't gonna be meeting someone, like, at work or in that kind of environment, I really didn't have a lot of other opportunities.
Maria Pendolino [00:04:17]:
I just wasn't involved in other things where you could organically meet someone. Like, I wasn't a member of, like, an adult sports league, and I, you know, at that time, I wasn't, like, part of, you know, any kind of, like, you know, church or sports spiritual groups where you might meet people who have like minded values. I just wasn't a part of any of that. So I looked at online dating as just a way for me to, like, put my shingle up and be like, hi. Like, this is who I am. I am interested in dating. I'm interested in meeting someone. If anything that I say in these various kind of posts or profiles or whatever, if any of that, like, speaks to you, like, I would love to go on a date.
Maria Pendolino [00:05:02]:
Like, just kind of, like, putting it out there. And I think the second thing for me of, like, specifically choosing online dating, I am a fat person. I'm a plus size person. And I think a lot of times, I would associate the idea of meeting organically with, like, an instant physical connection. And I kind of had it planted in my head from just years of anti fat bias and trauma that, like, people are not attracted to fat people. So I was like, well, on these online apps, I can lead with my personality, right? Because, like, I can crack jokes in a profile and, you know, I can. I can curate their experience as an introduction to my life. And I thought that maybe, you know, if there are other people who are serious about finding someone to be in a relationship with, because I really wasn't looking for just casual hookups.
Maria Pendolino [00:05:51]:
Like, I really was looking for the idea of a long term, committed relationship, even if it wasn't specifically on a track towards marriage. But, like, two people who are being monogamous, like, that's what I was interested in, dating. It kind of gave me the opportunity to present myself beyond just that instant physical animal attraction. You see someone across the room, you want to meet them. You see someone on the subway, you want to meet them. Just moving past that first step, and I felt like online dating gave me a really great opportunity to just say, this is what I'm offering. This is who I am. This is what I've got.
Maria Pendolino [00:06:25]:
Like, if you are remotely interested in this, you can potentially engage. So I felt like it gave me a little bit of the power, right? Because the power dynamic in just relying on organic meetings, a lot of times, if you're using a very kind of classic definition of a heterosexual relationship, it's like waiting for a guy or a man to speak to you, right? Like, they have to be the one who shows that first interest or ask for your number. And we're just like, over here, like, just like, you know, petting our hair and being like, please pick me. Come talk to me. And for me, this was just a way to kind of, like, maybe just narrow down, narrow down the playing field and also just level that playing field from a power dynamic standpoint and say, like, hi, I am interested in going out. I am interested in dating. I'm interested in finding a partner. So, you know, immediately upon reaching my profile that, like, I'm willing to, like, go on dates and I'm willing to go out there.
Maria Pendolino [00:07:28]:
I'm not just gonna be, like, standing there giggling at the corner of the bar, being like, no, I don't want anything. Ha ha. You know? So, yeah, it was kind of that attitude that kind of led me into specifically focusing on online dating as a very, very early adopter. You know, 2003 is a very early, early time to be starting online dating compared to what we have now.
Yvonne [00:07:50]:
Yes. Yeah, totally. Wow. Yeah. And that's really, that's such a good, I love your motivations for going on there because it makes sense, especially when, you know, you saying, like, oh, I didn't bar hop. I wasn't a member of the church. That's totally my similar experience for me as well. And I think a lot of women.
Yvonne [00:08:13]:
So it could be the online dating app world is such, it's really such a great place for, I don't want to say introverts, but people that are less, you know, I guess, out there that I just, that do that are a little bit. Yeah. Like, introverted. So it could. And also, like, if there's insecurities or anything like that. It is a better way to just, like, this is who I am. If you like me, you can talk to me. Like, showcasing our personality over our looks, it could be such a beautiful thing.
Yvonne [00:08:47]:
And yet a lot of times that's, you know, that's not the end result, I guess, of that, if that makes sense. So how did, like, the quality of dates, how did that evolve over time? Like, you said, you were 13 years. You were on these online dating apps. Did you notice anything, like when you first started, how you were maybe showing up compared to years down the line? Like, how did you evolve in that? And I do want to ask you about specific dates as well, but we'll get to that in a minute for sure.
Maria Pendolino [00:09:20]:
Yeah, I think a couple things changed over time. So I think in the beginning I think I was just very desperate for some sort of validation. Like, I just want to know that I am worthy and worthwhile.
Yvonne [00:09:37]:
Right.
Maria Pendolino [00:09:38]:
And I think that's a classic, like, quarter life crisis kind of attitude to have. You know, you've gotten out of college, you're no longer living in your parents home, maybe you're sharing an apartment for the first time as an adult and you're in this kind of, like, transitional period. Like, you're kind of independent, but you're still learning and all of that kind of stuff. So I think in those very early days, I was just desperate for the validation that, like, I was worthy and that I belonged in the universe. So I would say at the very beginning of my journey, I was not as choosy. So anyone who showed interest in me from the shingle that I put up, I think my attitude was like, I'll meet anyone for a drink. You know, I think it's. I think it's difficult to establish any kind of, like, real attraction based on pictures and whatever someone describes.
Maria Pendolino [00:10:30]:
But I was basically just looking for guys that put in enough effort to demonstrate that they had read something in my profile, like identified, like with somewhere that I mentioned that I had traveled to or identified with something that I mentioned as a hobby. Did you at least read the 300 words of text or something to put together or did you have something to say? A lot of times you would just get messages, like, nice pictures, and it's like, okay, thank you so much for bringing that to the table. But, you know, when someone was like, hey, I came across your profile like, oh, I've been to the UK twice too. Like, it's like, okay, great, you read fantastic. Like, the bar was low, the bar was, like, very low. And then I think in the earlier days, there was definitely a lot of emphasis on written communication. So, like, when I used Craigslist personals, like, in the very beginning, basically, I'm putting up a personal ad, and then people are responding to me. There's a lot of communication going back and forth over email.
Maria Pendolino [00:11:37]:
And then in using apps like Match.com and eHarmony, there was just a huge emphasis on messaging. Like, messaging within those platforms. And then as we move to the swipe apps of the 21st century, our tinders and our bumbles and things like that, you are basically making a snap judgment based on just pictures, age and location. And then the question is, how much back and forth do you have before you get to the date? So I think as I got into those later years and just having more experience, I was really looking for someone who I felt like could be a personality match. But I was not. I was not trying to. I was not trying to find that personality match on the app. I was trying to find that personality match in person.
Maria Pendolino [00:12:26]:
So instead of wasting two to three weeks having pen pal conversations with someone who ultimately, either you don't meet because it just fizzles out and you stop communicating, or you do meet and you realize there isn't any attraction or isn't any spark, or the person is very annoying, or they determine that you are very annoying or whatever, and you've spent all of this effort kind of getting to know you and sharing stuff about life and slice of life and checking in and all of that. You've spent all of this effort just to get to this date and find out that you're not compatible to begin with. So in my later years, I moved to meeting as quickly as possible and saying, like, okay, we've matched. Are you available this week, Friday, or are you available to grab a germ con Monday and just moving immediately to that introduction so that in person, we could find out if we want to keep talking instead of spending three weeks talking, getting to the date, and finding out that we don't want to keep talking, you know? And then it just seems like a waste of effort that you've put in. So I think that's kind of how it changed over time. I think I, in the very beginning, I was least choosy, and then at the end, I was more choosy, but it was more about just trying to find the people who were actually willing to go out on a date because there were so many people who were just using the app as another thing to do on their phone and weren't actually serious about meeting someone. So I would say I wasn't necessarily more choosy in the later years, but I did immediately dismiss people who were not interested in getting together. So it's like, hey, we matched.
Maria Pendolino [00:13:59]:
Great. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. Are you available on Friday? And then just like, silence, and it's like, great, I'm moving on. Thank you so much. Yeah. It wasn't about being choosy about how that person looked or their hobbies or their background. It was just about being choosy saying, you're not engaging with me, which tells me that you're not actually serious about meeting someone to date off of this app, and therefore, I'm just going to self select you out right here.
Yvonne [00:14:21]:
Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Makes it so much less overwhelming and just, like, let's go, like, gets you to your person quicker.
Maria Pendolino [00:14:30]:
There was a period of time where I felt like I was having, like, 15 conversations at once with people who I was in different stages with. I was like, oh, I'm talking to two guys on match.com. i'm talking to two guys on okcupid. I'm talking to two people on bumble, and I'm just, like, having these, like, ongoing conversations, and it's like, okay, have I. I'm scrolling back up. Have I. Have I talked to this person about my family yet? No. Okay.
Maria Pendolino [00:14:51]:
Have I talked to this person about my job yet? No. Okay. And it's almost like you had to manage, like, a project management matrix.
Yvonne [00:14:57]:
My God. Yeah.
Maria Pendolino [00:14:58]:
Who have I had conversations with? Who have I talked to? Did I talk to this person on the phone yet? Whatever. And I was like, this is bananas. I don't need to be talking to 15 people at once, like, whittling that funnel down to, like, one person to go out with. No, let me just go out with someone and find out if I want to go out with them again. Yes or no? Very simple. And I was really pleased after I made that change to just keep it as simple as possible.
Yvonne [00:15:21]:
Totally. Just having you talk about that, like, 15 conversations. Oh, my God. I'm starting to sweat. Like, what you said, project management, it's hard enough to, like, keep up with, like, your best friends in conversations and, like, life in general, and then have 15, you know, potential romantic partners that you're speaking with. What have I said to them? Have I responded to them? My God, that would just, like, consume your. Consume your life. So, yeah, no wonder that just freed up space and.
Yvonne [00:15:52]:
And, yeah, simplified the process for you.
Maria Pendolino [00:15:55]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:15:56]:
Uh huh. What was. One thing that's coming up for me is like, what was the. Because you were talking about, you know, you have these conversations with someone for such a long time, and then you go on a date and you find out, well, that was kind of a waste of time. Do you remember, like, your biggest disappointing, like, disappointment on a date?
Maria Pendolino [00:16:17]:
There was one guy. There was one guy that I went out with in Chicago, and we had chatted just a little bit. I don't remember which app we had met through. And we went out on one date and had kind of a good time, had quite a bit in common. And then we had scheduled a second date for brunch, and he showed up wearing pajamas. And not like, like, cute pajamas, like, oh, look at me, I'm being funny. Like, literally rolled out of bed. Like, bed had, like, hair flattened with, like, it, like, oh, no.
Maria Pendolino [00:16:53]:
And it wasn't like he would. If he had been like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry I'm late. I totally overslept. I just literally ran here. Like, that would have been funny. But no, he was just, like, very. Just, like, lackadaisical slap down. He was wearing, like, legitimately, like, target level pajamas.
Maria Pendolino [00:17:11]:
The shirt was inside out. I could see, like, the seams, like, just zero effort. And I'm not asking a guy to, like, wear a tuxedo to brunch, but, like, brush your hair and, like, make sure that the shirt is right side out. Like, that doesn't seem to me to be like. Like, that's not a lot to ask for. It's just, like, your shirt on correctly and, like, your hair combed or brushed so it doesn't have the imprint of the pillow left on. You know, you're on. You're going on a second date with someone.
Maria Pendolino [00:17:46]:
And again, I'm not saying, like, you don't have to impress me. You don't have to go out and buy a new outfit. You don't have to, like, bring me flowers, like, and, like, sweep me off my feet. But just, like, baseline. Baseline human being in the universe effort would have been nice. So, yeah, I mean, over. Over the course of all of the dates, I really don't have any, like, truly, truly nightmare stories. There were a couple that, like, just, like, leave a bad taste in your mouth, and then the rest of them, honestly, were just not memorable.
Maria Pendolino [00:18:18]:
Like, of the 93 I went on, I probably went on, like, twelve or so second dates. And of those, like, twelve or so second dates, I probably dated, like, five people where like, we went on multiple dates across a couple of months, and, like, ultimately, it didn't end in a relationship. It just, like, ran its course. Mm hmm. So, you know, if you think about that, it's almost like a one in ten, like, almost 10%. Like, yielded a second date, and then from that, like, one in, like, the five that were left. Yeah. But, yeah, I think that that one sticks out in my mind is just like.
Maria Pendolino [00:18:58]:
Like, I'm. Like, I'm trying here. Right? Like, I've put myself out here. We arranged this. This is the second date. Like, of all of. All the numbers in the world, like, we've made it to the second date, and just to have somebody, like, show up like that, it's like, well, this isn't. This isn't gonna work for me.
Yvonne [00:19:16]:
No, definitely not. Was the brunch kid at least?
Maria Pendolino [00:19:20]:
I don't remember. I just was so flabbergasted that the shirt was inside out.
Yvonne [00:19:24]:
Oh, man. Yeah. Jeez. Yeah. And so when it came time for your 97th date, if you looked at, like, where were you at in your life? Like, you're. Before you even maybe had contact with this 97th person, where were you at comparatively to the start of your journey?
Maria Pendolino [00:19:49]:
Yeah. So I was using bumble exclusively at that point. So in 2016, I really moved to just using bumble. Had a few pictures up on there, just, you know, short description, and, like, was immediately moving to asking people if they wanted to meet for either a drink or dinner. I had two locations that I knew really well. They have good parking. I felt very comfortable at both of these places. So if I had matched with a guy, and after just those basic pleasantries, I would say, like, hey, do you want to meet for a drink or dinner? Like, for drinks? I love going to this place.
Maria Pendolino [00:20:22]:
For dinner. I love going to this place. What do you think? And I would let them pick, and almost exclusively, the guys would pick the bar for the drink, which is fine. Like, the online dating first introduction had really moved away from sitting and having a meal with a person and just at least starting with just a drink. Simple, quick, low stress, low commitment. So I had probably gone on maybe five or six get a first drink dates that year. There was one guy that I had gone on a second date in that batch, and ultimately, that was our last date because we went to a comedy club for our second date and had a really good time. And he grabbed the check, which I thought was very nice, unexpected, but, like, very nice.
Maria Pendolino [00:21:07]:
And I noticed that he did not leave the server.
Yvonne [00:21:10]:
A tip okay.
Maria Pendolino [00:21:14]:
So, like, I, like, we kind of like, said our goodbyes and we left. I went to the bathroom and then I went back and I put money on the table because I was not going to leave without tipping the server because I'm just not that kind of person. So that ended that date. So, yeah, I would say going into my 97th date, I had had a few dates that year, but none of them were particularly outstanding. So I was still very much like, it's not like I was coming out of a breakup or anything like that. I was still just very fresh and eager, like, looking for a partner.
Yvonne [00:21:52]:
Okay, and how did the conversation with your 97th date start?
Maria Pendolino [00:21:59]:
So my husband's profile picture that he had posted on bumble was him kind of very proudly gesturing to some pickles that he had canned. So there was this stack of, like, homemade canned pickles on his counter and he was like, showing them off. So my opening line to him was, it looks like your pickling and canning game is on point. And he reported back that he had too many cucumbers in his garden that year. So that was kind of like the choice to make pickles. And we had just like a very brief, like, oh, what did you do today? This is what I did. And then at the end of that conversation, we exchanged phone numbers and I actually texted him first and was like, hey, Eric, it's Maria from bumble. Just sending you a text, so you have my number.
Maria Pendolino [00:22:47]:
Let me know when you'd like to get together. And we immediately made plans. And I gave him the standard offer of like, here's the bar, here's the restaurant. And he picked the restaurant. He was like the first guy who picked the restaurant. So I was like, okay, interesting. So that's how the online conversation started. And yeah, in the restaurant, we sat there for about 2 hours.
Maria Pendolino [00:23:09]:
I mean, we had really, really nice back and forth, organic conversation. The kind where you don't have to, like, pause and think of a question to ask because you're just jumping from topic to topic really easy. We did have a very, very, very funny moment that my husband loves to remind me of. But right around the time that we went on our first date was the time that the court case was happening for the Stanford student who was like an all star swimmer who had unfortunately sexually assaulted a fellow student at a party. And he had just been sentenced that day, I think. So at some point, somehow we started talking about this jerk during the date. I don't know how we got into the conversation, but after about ten minutes I just stopped, and I went. And he's like, what's wrong? I was like, I just realized that we've been talking about sexual assault on a first date for, like, ten minutes.
Maria Pendolino [00:24:08]:
Maybe that's not the best thing to talk about. He loves to remind me of this, that, like, I bring up, like, taboo topics, like, way too early or something. But it was just. It was just this moment where I realized, like, oh, you're not supposed to talk about this kind of stuff on, like, a first date. Like, it's supposed to be just, like, general getting to know you stuff, not, like, hard hitting, like, news and, like, representing, like, all of feminism, like, in my opinions and actions. I mean, great news. He's a feminist, too, so I'm glad that we found that out early. But, like, I just had this moment where, like, my heart dropped, and I was like, well, I ruined it, broke it.
Maria Pendolino [00:24:45]:
So that was. That was a kind of funny thing that happened in our conversation, but, yeah, we sat for, like, 2 hours, and just the conversation was very, very organic, and when we left, it was like, hey, I had a good time. I had a good time. Like, let's do this again. And then it went from there.
Yvonne [00:25:05]:
Amazing. Also really interesting that it sounds like you just kind of let loose and weren't thinking about what you were supposed to say, but that you just were able to have this conversation about a delicate subject and also find out you're on the same page.
Maria Pendolino [00:25:19]:
Yeah, it really was like I was talking to a friend, and I think had I not. Had I not felt that way, I definitely probably wouldn't have made it into that conversation topic because we wouldn't. We just wouldn't have gotten there organically.
Yvonne [00:25:31]:
Yeah. Yes. And also interesting that then, even though we're feeling really good, those voices come in like, oh, you ruined it. Yeah. Fucked up.
Maria Pendolino [00:25:41]:
No, exactly. The internal judgments. The internal judgment team was, like, immediately like, oh, f score. F. Like, you are rejected. So, yeah, my husband likes to give me the business on that one.
Yvonne [00:25:54]:
Just.
Maria Pendolino [00:25:54]:
It's just, like, a funny memory.
Yvonne [00:25:58]:
And how did you, if you remember, like, how? Because you said it felt like talking to a friend. Do you remember how, like, you felt in your body around your husband compared to, like, the dates before?
Maria Pendolino [00:26:09]:
Yeah, I felt really comfortable. I had. I had gotten to the restaurant first, and that was a strategy that I employed often, and one of the reasons I did that was because I have a disability, I have psoriatic arthritis. And because of that, my walking sometimes is a little wonky, so I want to be like, at the restaurant, seated and comfortable before someone comes in, because I feel like I can be my best if I am not, like, struggling or kind of broadcasting the struggle. So I thought that I was really slick and smart, like, having done this. And then my husband told me, like, during the date that he had found me on Twitter and had read my whole, like, tweet feed about me having my knee replaced. And, like, so he already knew going into the date that I had, you know, potentially a physical challenge already. So I thought I was being, like, super smart and sav, and he's like, yeah, I I know all of those things already.
Maria Pendolino [00:27:08]:
So that was just, like, an interesting, like, you know, you think in your mind that you can control all of these variables. Like, you can control what you look like and you arrive and you can tell this part of your story, but conceal this part or whatever, and it's like, you don't have that power. You don't have that control. I just remember, I remember being really struck by how attentive he was and how well he listened and the fact that he didn't interrupt or try to finish everything that I said, which was refreshing. I think he also asked me a lot of questions about me. I think a lot of women who are doing the online dating thing, one thing that a lot of people report as a frustration is potential partners just not asking them questions about them and just constantly just verbally vomiting things about themselves. And I was really struck by how many follow up questions he asked to, like, things that we were talking about. Like, he wanted to know more about me and not just in context of how he was going to add something about himself to the conversation, but really just digging in and getting to know me.
Maria Pendolino [00:28:20]:
And that felt different. That felt different and exciting.
Yvonne [00:28:25]:
And also the fact that what you said that he had read up on your Twitter, like, that's, that's sweet. You know, like, okay. Like, he actually did his research. I get to know you.
Maria Pendolino [00:28:35]:
Girls always get the, we always get the marker of being like, the crazy investigative reporters who will deep dive on people's instagram and be like, oh, what's his first last name? And within 30 seconds, we've got their full bio and what they ate for dinner last week and all of that kind of stuff. I feel like women kind of get the rep for being crazy like that. But it was nice. It was nice that he took the time to look me up and he learned a little bit about my career and, like, sound some of my, like, public social media profiles, which is fine. Like, I wasn't skeeved out by that. I. I choose what to share publicly. So, yeah, you know, it's for anybody to kind of come upon.
Maria Pendolino [00:29:16]:
But that was nice. It was just like, he put. You could tell that he put effort into the date not only from a, like, appearance standpoint and, like, choosing to sit down and have dinner, like, but also, like, showing up to the date, like, ready to, like, talk and meet someone, which was really nice.
Yvonne [00:29:33]:
Mm hmm. Awesome. And do you remember not, do you remember what was your husband's experience? Like, does he, has he shared that, like, what it was like the first date was like for him?
Maria Pendolino [00:29:51]:
Yeah. So we had kind of a polar opposite experience in that my husband was coming off of a seven year relationship, and he was urged to get back out there by his best friend. His best friend encouraged him to download bumble and Tinder and the apps and just kind of get a profile together and get out there. Just need to shake the dust off and try to be an adult who dates in this modern world. My husband had gotten together with the person that he was with previously when he was in college. So there's the whole kind of phase of life thing when you're dating someone in college. It's different than kind of starting a new relationship with adults in the modern world where you're not all in the same space physically, mentally, emotionally. So his friend encouraged him to download the apps.
Maria Pendolino [00:30:47]:
He put up his profile, and he told me that he had talked to a couple people, but I was actually the first online date that he went on coming out of his previous relationship. So here I was going on my 97th, 1st date. Like, full online dating professional, confident, ready to go, know the formula, all set, you know, a real pro. And he was like, you know, showing up for the first time, like, going on a blind date for the first time, meeting someone off the Internet for the first time. So he hit the lottery. I hit the lottery. It's just I played a lot longer than he did.
Yvonne [00:31:24]:
Yeah. Amazing. And at what point did you know, like, did it kind of creep in that man, this. This could be my, like, forever person. Or did it just hit you one day? How. When did you know?
Maria Pendolino [00:31:39]:
Yeah, so we went on five dates that ended, like, platonically. So, like, the first date, it was like standing on the street, like, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. We should do it again and just, like, walk away. And then the second date ended with maybe like a hug. And, like, the third, fourth, and fifth dates also ended with just like, a hug. Like, nothing too romantic. So I.
Maria Pendolino [00:32:07]:
At that point, after those five dates, two were at a restaurant, two were at a comedy club, and one was at a music venue. So kind of, like, out and about doing things. I knew that I enjoyed talking to him. I knew that I enjoyed spending time with him. I knew that he was a thoughtful person, and I knew that I was interested in continuing further, but I was like, at some point, we have to see if there is a spark. Spark. I'm not going to get. I'm not going to get a real reading on this from a hug in a parking lot after a two hour dinner or a two hour show or something.
Maria Pendolino [00:32:48]:
So for our 6th state, I invited him over to my house for dinner. And I cooked and I said, you can bring the wine. I'll make dinner, whatever. And we sat and had a really nice dinner, and we drank some wine. And I was definitely feeling very, like, loosened up and comfortable. And we went over to the couch and, like, put something on Netflix. And within a half an hour, we were making out like middle schoolers, like, hoping that their parents weren't going to come home, you know, and that's. That was kind of like the, like, oh, there's something here.
Maria Pendolino [00:33:20]:
Like, I am definitely attracted to you. We are definitely compatible. You are a good kisser. This is great news. Like, let us. Let us continue down this avenue. But I kind of had to. I was the one who initiated, like, would you like to come over to my house knowing full well that this is going to be the test? Like, this will be the test of, do we like each other? Is there a physical attraction? Are we compatible in that way, too? I knew that we were compatible in being two people out in the universe doing activities, and that's great.
Maria Pendolino [00:33:54]:
But are you someone who can be a friend and a lover, or are you only going to be a friend? And I was delighted to find out that we had chemistry, and it worked out really well. So it was date. It was date number six at my house that we kind of took it to a point where we're like, okay, great, we are dating. Like, we are in a relationship.
Yvonne [00:34:13]:
Mm hmm. Yeah. Awesome. And then how did the relationship evolve from there and, like, your feelings as well? Like, how did it.
Maria Pendolino [00:34:22]:
Yeah, it moved really quickly. It moved really quickly. And I think there is something to be said for, like, meeting a person when you're, you know, in your mid thirties compared to meeting someone in your mid twenties. Like, I was ready. Like, I was ready to find a person to build a life with. I had already done really everything that I wanted to do to get myself into a place professionally that I felt really good about. I had a really nice group of friends. I was, like, doing well with my finances.
Maria Pendolino [00:34:54]:
So it feels. It felt like everything was clicking into a place. And the thing that I was missing was a part partner, a romantic partner. I have. I had great friends that I could, you know, travel with and do things with, but there's a difference in having someone who's, like, by your side day in and day out, and that's really what I wanted. I wanted to add that to my life. But we moved quickly, so we went on our first date in the beginning of August. It was, like, August 11, I think.
Maria Pendolino [00:35:21]:
So then over the course of a month and a half, from the beginning of August to the end of September, that is when we went on kind of the five or six dates over the course of a month and a half. I had done some traveling in there because I was going to a conference and stuff, so it was a little bit elongated coming out of, like, the Labor Day holiday. And then I took him on a weekend trip to see some of my friends who live in New York City. So he got to meet a bunch of my friends, and one of my friends cornered him drunkly and was like, if you ever do anything to hurt Maria, like, I'll come for you. Which was really funny. She did it in, like, a. In a loving, drunken way. And, yeah, so that kind of took us towards the end of October, beginning of November, and by, like, thanksgiving, he was sleeping over at my apartment, like, every night.
Maria Pendolino [00:36:16]:
And he actually moved in with me in February. So from August to February is about six months. So we went from first date to him, like, fully moving all of his stuff in within six months when you know, you know, when you know, you know. Like, I think that's true. Like, we just. We really settled into a very nice routine. Um, I. You know, I had my own apartment with a lot of space, so it was just much easier to do things at my place.
Maria Pendolino [00:36:44]:
And, yeah, it just got to the point where it's just like, yeah, I really don't want you to leave.
Yvonne [00:36:51]:
So nice. And I love that you said, you know, it really sounded like you had your. Like, you loved your life already, like, you had great friends, you were in a great place, you know, career wise, financially. And that's such a difference, too. Like, if you think about the start of your dating adventure in 2003, like, none of those things are in place yet, really? Maybe some friends, but even that stability isn't really there yet. So it makes sense that, like, your husband came in at this time where you already kind of had everything except for this. This person.
Maria Pendolino [00:37:24]:
Yeah, he was very much in addition to a life that I had built for myself, as opposed to, like, him completing it, it was more about, like, adding him into the life that I had built. I think, you know, I was just a very. I was a confident person at that point. Like, I was, you know, just at a different. Definitely a different stage of life. I was feeling good about what I brought to the table, and it was just about finding someone who was interested in, like, hopping on a moving train. You know, I think a lot of people get stuck in thinking that, like, their life will start after they find a partner. Like, with a partner, like, they will build that life for themselves.
Maria Pendolino [00:38:01]:
And I feel like if I had done that, I just would have been waiting for a really long time and waiting for a lot of things. But, like, I was not afraid to build a business, buy a car, get a place to live. Like, I did all of these things as an independent person and then took the time to integrate someone into my life as opposed to waiting to do any of those things until I had someone to do them with.
Yvonne [00:38:23]:
Yeah. Oh, man, I love that. And I think that's a big, big reason why the dating experience is. The online dating experience is pretty awful for a lot of people. And I think it's because maybe some of these things aren't set up yet or oftentimes, you know, you join a dating app when you're lonely or when things, you know, you just had a breakup or, like, just things aren't very good. That's usually when we tend to install it. And I hear, like, women all the time, I uninstalled it. I reinstalled it.
Yvonne [00:38:55]:
I uninstalled it. I reinstalled it. And, like, when did you reinstall it? Usually at a time where it's like, I don't feel so good. So it just makes. And I've heard a lot of success stories, especially on Bumble. I just had a couple of my friends. Within one year, they both got married to a woman, their brothers, and they both met their wives on bumble. After years of being on bumble with no luck, and then something, I don't know, with both of them in the matter, I think it was like, within three months of each other, they both met their wives on there.
Yvonne [00:39:30]:
And just incredible when you have. When you're just in a good place and it just. Yeah. Opens the door to love.
Maria Pendolino [00:39:39]:
Yeah, absolutely. I think that's a huge part of it. Like, your mindset has to be right in order to invite someone in, because if you. If you're trying to invite someone in and, like, you're not in a great place, then there's no way that a relationship can get off on the right foot. Now, I don't think that it means that you have to wait until everything is perfect, because, again, like, perfect is the enemy of the good. Right? Like, you'll be waiting forever to get to a place where you feel, like, 100% confident, but, like, make sure that you're not, like, a raging basket case, because, like, if you are a. If you're really not feeling great about yourself at all, like, you won't be able to. You won't be able to play pretend at, like, having yourself put together, but, like, if you're, like, in general, feeling good about, like, yourself and your outlook, like, put yourself out there.
Maria Pendolino [00:40:30]:
Absolutely.
Yvonne [00:40:32]:
That's such a good point. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to wait, like, oh, I still got work to do. I still got healing to do. I still got growing to do. You're always going to have that, so. Yeah, don't let that stop you. That's a really good point.
Maria Pendolino [00:40:45]:
Absolutely.
Yvonne [00:40:47]:
So when did y'all get married? And who proposed to who? I think with you, I gotta ask.
Maria Pendolino [00:40:54]:
I know that this is definitely a situation where I could have been, like, marry me immediately. We got married in 2018. So after he moved in in February and we were very much in love and enjoying each other's company, we had a conversation where I said, look, I really enjoy being with you. And he said, I really enjoy being with you, too. And I said, if we are going to go down this path, which it looks like we are, it means that we would probably be setting ourselves up to get married in, like, two years. And, like, I'm the kind of person who loves to back into, like, what I need to do, like, ahead of time. So if we're going to get married in two years, that means for the next two years, I want to be, like, putting money away for, like, this future wedding where we're going to invite our friends to, like, eat food and drink drinks. And we literally started a Google Doc together.
Maria Pendolino [00:41:49]:
And it was called the unofficial headcount for a future party where our friends will eat food and drink drinks. That's, like, the full name of the Google Doc. And we made a list of, like, all the people that we would want to, like, come party with us in two years, and then from there tried to figure out how expensive the wedding would be because I have an enormous italian family, and that was kind of like our very, like, not particularly romantic, but kind of funny conversation about just like, the logistics of being people in your thirties getting married. And my parents did not have a huge fund saved for a future wedding, and this was his second go around. So we knew that maybe our families would chip in a little bit, but if we wanted to throw a big party, it was going to be on us. So that conversation happened probably in February or March. And then he actually proposed to me in April, the next month. So we got engaged in April of 2017, and then we got married in October of 2018.
Yvonne [00:42:55]:
Wow. Amazing. I want to ask how he proposed.
Maria Pendolino [00:43:01]:
You know what? It is not a shock and awe story. It is actually very, it is very cute. He bought a ring and came home after work. I worked from home, he worked out of the home. So he came into my, like, work from home office. He had, like, a huge bouquet of roses. And I looked at him and I was like, oh, my gosh, flowers. That's all I thought.
Maria Pendolino [00:43:28]:
And I went up and I gave him a hug and his heart was beating out of his chest. And I was like, again, like, me being like, the stupidest person in the room, I was like, oh, my God, your heart's beating really fast. And he was like, well, that's because I wanted to ask you something. And I was like, okay, still completely clueless. And then he got down on one knee and proposed to me right in my office. And I was, it was, I was completely shocked. I had no idea it was coming. And funnily enough, we had scheduled that evening, we were going out to dinner with my parents and we were going out to dinner with his dad and his dad's wife for them to meet for the first time.
Maria Pendolino [00:44:16]:
And I just remember his dad, who unfortunately has passed away now. But at that dinner, we revealed, haha, we got engaged today. And his dad, like, looked at me, looked at the ring, looked at him, and was like, on a Wednesday. And that was such, like a funny, funny, funny joke that we've kind of kept together. But yeah, it was unexpected. It was just simple. It was at home, but it was so sweet. And I very much did not know it was happening until 75% of the way there.
Maria Pendolino [00:44:52]:
I was just so clueless and so just, like, missing the point.
Yvonne [00:44:57]:
That's so sweet. That's so sweet. I can really just picture it and, yeah, just so sweet. And also, like, so comfortable and, like, such a secure setting, you know, nothing grand, but, like, no less special.
Maria Pendolino [00:45:13]:
Yeah, he knew that I definitely did not want, like, a gigantic, like, public brujaha, like, a jumbotron kind of proposal. Like, he knew in advance at that. Absolutely not something that would have appealed to me at all. But, yeah, this was. This was fine. It was. It was very, very comfortable. And like I said, I just.
Maria Pendolino [00:45:32]:
I really didn't know it was happening until it was, like, really happening.
Yvonne [00:45:36]:
It's really sweet. Where are you guys at today?
Maria Pendolino [00:45:40]:
Yeah, so we. We survived the pandemic, which is great. We. We had a very locked down pandemic. Because of my disability. I have. I'm immunocompromised. So for the beginning of the pandemic, and for a long time, we were very, very, very locked down.
Maria Pendolino [00:46:02]:
So, you know, if a relationship can survive like that, being the only person you see for a long time, that's a great sign. My husband believes that maybe he was born just too late to be a lighthouse keeper. He's an introverts. Introvert. So he really does not mind staying away from people, whereas I'm an extrovert, and I love getting my energy from people. So we definitely were, like, the yin and the yang of the pandemic. I was, like, desperate to get out and do stuff, and he's like, yeah, I'm really fine just hanging out here in my house by myself. We bought a new house at the end of 2021 that we renovated all throughout 2022, and we have a lovely property.
Maria Pendolino [00:46:43]:
It has five acres. We put in a pool last year. I joke that this will be the last place I live. You can take me out of here in a bag. I'm not leaving, moving, renovating ever again. But, yeah, this year, we will have been together for eight years. In August and November 2024, we will have been married for six years, which is wild to think about how fast time flies.
Yvonne [00:47:08]:
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's great. That's awesome. Maria. For women that are, you know, maybe at the beginning of their online dating app, a journey, or a lot of them, you know, feeling frustrated with what they've experienced so far on the dating apps or also just scared to go, you know, download a dating app. What advice or tips? Laurel, would you. Would you give them?
Maria Pendolino [00:47:36]:
Yeah. So I would say, don't be afraid to put yourself out there. It's not as scary as you think. Be honest and open to the process. Don't worry about trying to be perfect, you know, perfect looking or perfect place in your life. I do think that there's an element to it that's a numbers game. You just kind of have to get out there and you're just, it's just like trying on clothes, man. You try one on and, like, it fits, but it doesn't fit perfect.
Maria Pendolino [00:48:04]:
So you move on. You try one on, like, whoa, this one doesn't fit at all. You move on. This one, you try it on, it fits, and it lasts for a while, but it doesn't last as long as you would like it to. You move on. I think you just have to have an open mind about it. I kind of amended my dating strategy, as I mentioned, to move right to the introduction, and I kind of got that idea after reading Aziz Ansari's book Modern Romance. And he talked a lot about in that book how dating has changed so much from our grandparents generation, our parents generation, to where we are now.
Maria Pendolino [00:48:36]:
You know, we used to date very, very close to home in, like, a couple block radius of people that you went to school with who lived nearby you. In the thirties and forties, it was very popular for, like, group dating. So, like, groups of ten or twelve people would go out at a time, and then you would just, like, pair off with different people within the group, but, like, you really weren't going outside of, like, a large radius. Right? So now with the apps, we have such analysis paralysis because we get access to so many different people in so many different communities, and you can even date in different cities and things like that. Like, the world is your oyster, right? But the one thing that I took from that book that I really loved was the only purpose of the app is to introduce you to someone you would not otherwise meet. And if you treat that introduction the same way that you would an introduction in a bar or an introduction at a laundromat or meeting someone at a Starbucks or whatever, that introduction, you have that quick first meeting, you exchange numbers, and then you have to move to do something else. And I think if you use the app the same way, that's where I started to find success in that I was actually enjoying online dating and not dreading it. So use the dating app as the introduction engine.
Maria Pendolino [00:49:47]:
It is bringing two people together who would not otherwise meet. And then you have to meet in person immediately. Move immediately to getting a drink, going out to dinner, taking a walk. You know, if there's something like, I saw some people like a great idea for a first date. If you find out that you both like dogs, like, go volunteer to walk dogs for 2 hours at, like, the animal shelter. Like, pick up a dog and go walk with that person and grab a coffee on the way. Like, there's so many different ways that you can do a first date that's low stakes, right? Yeah, just a chance to, like, meet in person and start a conversation there. But when I started using the apps as just the introduction engine and saved all the conversation and all the getting to know you for actually in person, that's when I actually started to enjoy dating.
Maria Pendolino [00:50:30]:
Instead of feeling like it was a second job, it was a second task or a job that I was doing every day by having all of these conversations, managing all of these digital relationships, and seeing if any of them are going to last long enough to get to that in person phase. So I would recommend that you use the apps only to make the introduction and then move to real life as quickly as you can.
Yvonne [00:50:51]:
Yeah.
Maria Pendolino [00:50:52]:
And then just be honest with yourself about what it is you want. Don't try to put a square peg in a round hole. If you meet up with someone who you're really physically attracted to, but you want very different things, move on. Don't allow someone to steal time from you. That's the one thing that is the resource that you cannot regenerate. So, like, if you meet someone and they check all of your boxes, but you really want kids and they really don't, like, move on, like, you're just not the right fit for each other. So I think making sure that you're looking at things like values, how they interact with their family, like, do those types of things align so that you're not setting yourself up for having a lifetime of fights and nightmares. Right.
Maria Pendolino [00:51:31]:
My husband and I have very similar relationships with our family. We are very similar politically. We're aligned from a values perspective. What we think is important when we talk about money, we have kind of the same, like, view as to, like, what it's for and what it should be. We've talked about how we want to live our senior years and, like, how we're preparing for that. So, like, being aligned on all of those types of things are way more critical than, like, whether or not you like the color of their hair. You can do a lot of things to put yourself in a place to be successful, but you can also lower the stakes. Right.
Maria Pendolino [00:52:07]:
You don't have to hinge your entire life's happiness and future, whatever, on the next date. Right? Like, don't go into the date believing, like, this is the one. This is the one who's going to be my husband, this is the one who's going to be my long term partner. This is the one who I'm going to be able to have kids with. Don't hang that on the first date. Like, go into the date hoping that you're going to meet someone that you can, like, easily talk to. Like, those are the stakes. You're just looking for someone who you can easily talk to and keep it casual.
Maria Pendolino [00:52:38]:
You know, you don't have to go to the fanciest restaurant. You don't have to go to the place that makes espresso martinis for $25 a glass. Just go for a walk. Pick up a Starbucks and go for a walk. Or, like, meet someone. Like, find a volunteering event where you're cleaning up a park or something and just, like, clean up trash with someone for 2 hours. Keep it simple. Like, it does not have to be this, like, dramatic thing where, like, you find, like, the perfect outfit and, like, the stars align and, like, suddenly the music stops and you walk in and there's a spotlight and it's like, we build these things up for ourselves because of, like, what, like, magazines and, like, hollywood and tv.
Maria Pendolino [00:53:15]:
Show us, like, what dating is supposed to look like. That's not what dating looks like at all. Like, it's so basic compared to, like, what you think it's going to be.
Yvonne [00:53:23]:
Yes. Yeah, exactly. I love that. And I think it just sounds like with all of this, like, just be in a really good place as you're on these apps and just have your cup that's full. So did you get to have your wedding that you budgeted for?
Maria Pendolino [00:53:40]:
Yes, we did. It was a lovely wedding. We had just over 200 people there. It was an event.
Yvonne [00:53:48]:
Yeah.
Maria Pendolino [00:53:50]:
But we had a great time. And friends came from as far as Wales in the UK to celebrate with us in Buffalo. Friends from California came. So it was a lot of fun. And then we actually went on our honeymoon in 2019, and I'm so grateful because we had planned this, like, epic scandinavian adventure through, like, Denmark, Sweden, Norway and Iceland. Like, just did a huge country hop and it was a lot of fun. And if I had planned all of that for 2020 and then had to cancel it because of COVID I would have been absolutely apoplectic. So I am so glad that we were.
Maria Pendolino [00:54:25]:
Were able to get it in before the pandemic started. We had such a lovely time.
Yvonne [00:54:30]:
Awesome. Well, that's great. Awesome. Where can people find out more about you and tell us a little bit about what you do as well? Because that's pretty interesting.
Maria Pendolino [00:54:42]:
Sure.
Yvonne [00:54:42]:
I know.
Maria Pendolino [00:54:42]:
It's kind of random, isn't it?
Yvonne [00:54:44]:
Yeah.
Maria Pendolino [00:54:44]:
So I am a voice actor. I do voiceovers for tv, radio, online, commercials. If you've ever taken an online course, and, like, a narrator walks you through the content, I do a lot, of course, narration. I've done audiobooks, cartoons, video games, kind of anything that has a voice. And I have a recording studio in my house. I do all of that from home. So I'm a working actor from home, which is kind of a very wild thing to be able to say in 2024. But, yeah, it's a great job.
Maria Pendolino [00:55:17]:
I really love it. And if you're interested in learning more about me and my voiceover career, things like that, my website is voicebymaria.com, and then I am on the majority of the socials. My handle is just ariapendo, so you can find me on Instagram and TikTok. And I'm also happy to connect with folks on LinkedIn, too.
Yvonne [00:55:38]:
Awesome. I'll make sure to link that in the show notes. And, yeah, Maria's a very funny lady as well, which, yeah, I'm. I'm sure you.
Maria Pendolino [00:55:47]:
If you like cats food and just, like, general, like, aging millennial angst, you will love my instagram because that's what it is. Cats, cats food, and elderly millennial grouchiness, I think.
Yvonne [00:56:00]:
Perfect. I'm there. Awesome. And last question before we wrap up for today. What song are you dancing to or grooving to nowadays?
Maria Pendolino [00:56:09]:
My favorite song to dance to is an oldie but good goodie. But it's Whitney Houston's I want to dance somebody. There's nothing better than that beat, man. You can't not scream it. The key change, it's just like, I will never not sing that song if it comes on the radio, if it's playing at a bar, like, impossible to not smile when you're singing that song. Yes.
Yvonne [00:56:29]:
Yeah. Did it play at your wedding?
Maria Pendolino [00:56:32]:
I think we did have it on the playlist, yes. It was hard because we had a playlist of the songs that we absolutely wanted to hear, but also we just wanted people to be able to request songs that they, like, wanted to dance to and stuff. We had a great time. The dance floor was full from the moment the DJ, like, started the music to when we closed it down. So it was really great.
Yvonne [00:56:52]:
Amazing. That's so good. I love your story, Maria. Thank you so much for sharing that with us today. I think so many women are going to be able to take a lot away from today's episode and just your viewpoint on things. And, yeah, I love how it all played out for you and, yeah, super great. Thank you so much for sharing and for coming on today.
Maria Pendolino [00:57:14]:
Thank you so much for having me.
Yvonne [00:57:16]:
Thank you.
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Intro Song: Bensound- Summer