Ep 24: How To Overcome and Heal Trauma In Relationships
Teaser of Episode 24 of Dating Greatly Podcast: Overcome and Heal Trauma in Your Relationship with Illa Lynn.
Welcome back to Episode 24 of Dating Greatly!
Traumatic childhood experiences can shape our approach to romantic relationships in unhealthy ways.
We find ourselves trapped in cycles of dysfunction and toxicity, unknowingly mirroring the instabilities and fears experienced in our earliest years.
But what does it take to break free from these patterns? How do we stop the cycle, not just for ourselves but for our kids?
My guest Illa Lynn's story is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and the power of love. Her experience of a traumatic childhood in war-torn Yugoslavia has led her to a profound understanding of love and healing.
Today, she'll share how reframing negative thoughts, employing affirmations, and committing to change can create a ripple effect, fostering healthier families and reducing the impact of childhood trauma. She would know- she met her husband of 18 years when they were kids playing in a warzone.
Childhood trauma affects us all, whether you dodged bullets or your mother's criticism. Let's learn how to rebuild ourselves and heal our unhealthy patterns once and for all!
Enjoy this powerfully touching episode!
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Yvonne [00:00:37]:
Thank you, Illa, for being here with me today. I've been so excited to chat with you in the last months. I've been really excited about this conversation. So welcome.
Illa [00:00:47]:
Thank you so much for the invitation, and I'm so excited to be here. I know it was quite a. Quite a. I think quite a few months in the making, right?
Yvonne [00:00:57]:
Yes. And I thought about it today before we actually came on here, and I was, like, there. It was meant to. I wasn't ready to maybe hear your story yet. Like, this is. This is the time. Like, today is the day where, like, I need. I need to hear it, or, you know, like, this needs to happen today.
Illa [00:01:17]:
Yeah, well, they say it's all about the timing, right? Sometimes you hear something and it doesn't necessarily settle until you get into that sense of energy and that vibe, like, okay, I'm ready. Like, I need to hear that. I can actually hear it, right?
Speaker A [00:01:39]:
Yes. Awesome.
Yvonne [00:01:42]:
Well, I'm ready, and I'm sure my audience is as well. So, yeah, I'd like to just start off with asking you the work you do today. How, like, how did you come. How did you come to be and to work in this field?
Illa [00:02:01]:
So it was really something that kind of fell into my lap ever since I was in my early twenties, I was that friend that everybody would come to for advice and guidance. So for me, coaching was really something that fueled my soul as I was trying to find myself. I was in a career for almost 20 years, and it began really as sort of a life balance, coaching, because I think the reason why I kind of fell into it was because I struggled with it, being a mom, having a career. I also was in grad school at that time, and it was just that juggle, trying to balance it all was really hard for me to manage. And then as I kind of found ways, I started sharing those ways. And for a first year, I didn't have any paying clients. I didn't really think, like, I saw it more as a hobby than business, to be honest with you. Somewhere along the way, actually, a couple of years ago, I decided that I'm going to kind of shift or pivot into the relationship realm.
Illa [00:03:18]:
And specifically women over 30 who have lost faith in love. And having been somewhere like that, in that type of space where you have given so much of yourself to someone to be, you know, abandoned or abused or left, and to become a shell of women you were when you entered that relationship, I could see how hard the aftermath was. And so when you get out of a relationship like that, there's so many things that you have to unlearn before you are ready to step out into the world, right. And let someone else in. And when you do that, there's a sense of fear, fear of uncertainty, fear of being hurt. And so where I come in here is basically guiding them through the steps that I took myself to really first heal my heart, to get to a place where I trust myself and therefore I can trust the world to really getting back out there and opening up to love. Because when I met my husband, I was 26, but prior to that, I was in a chain of very abusive relationships that absolutely left me shattered. And so doing that work on a daily basis just gives me so much joy.
Illa [00:04:59]:
I cannot explain. I just cannot explain the feeling that and the inner bliss that I get from hearing. Right. And then they move on and they have families and they have kids. And so I feel that me working with my clients doesn't necessarily just touch them, it touches everybody around them. Right. It sets the next generations of kids for a healthy journey.
Speaker A [00:05:36]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:05:38]:
Because the way I look at it now is not just her perspective, but it's this overall holistic view of a healthy family, healthy household. And indirectly, I'm impacting the statistics on domestic violence and, you know, emotional abuse and childhood traumas. And, you know, in a way, you are reducing it by educating, by sharing your story. Back then, like five years ago, I didn't really think that my story mattered so much, and I didn't really believe that anything that I have to share was so important. But as I got to work with these individuals and have seen the changes and transformation they have had over the years, I've noticed how important your story truly is and how essential it is.
Yvonne [00:06:40]:
To share segue to your story. And, you know, what you just mentioned is, like, women that have healed, that meet their partners, that create families that are healing, not just that have healed, not just themselves, but the next generation like their children. And that just this generational thing just, you know, triggered in me your story. So I would like to, speaking of generations, and if you look at, you know, yourself and your family, maybe?
Speaker A [00:07:15]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:07:15]:
If you can just kind of share your story of, like, how you met your, your husband and then. Yeah, bring in that, you know, the generational aspect of that where you came from.
Illa [00:07:28]:
Absolutely. So I am originally from a little country called Yugoslavia, former Yugoslavia. And my country was struck by war between 90 and 95. And so I was about nine or ten years old when it all began. And I recall the soldiers and the troops and the barricades and, you know, having to be in a shelter and losing my home and being relocated to another city to be with my grandma. That's actually where I met my husband. So he was in the city, and we used to play as kids. So during the war, we used to do things, you know, the kids typically do outside, hang out, ride bikes and such.
Illa [00:08:23]:
But I didn't know that he had a crush on me at that time. We were kids come at 910 years old. Right. And so as the war progressed, we all had to deal with the ramifications of the shelling and the bombing and the trauma. And at that time, it was so surreal because as a kid, you really don't know what to expect because first and foremost, you've never been in a war zone. And second, I was actually there without my mom and dad. They returned to my city to help my aunt, and then they got actually blocked in so they couldn't get out. We couldn't get in.
Illa [00:09:00]:
So we didn't see each other for a year and a half. So it was me and my brother.
Speaker A [00:09:06]:
Wow.
Illa [00:09:06]:
And so for about a year or so, we absolutely had no contact with my parents. We knew that my city was bombarded on a daily basis. We could hear and see things on tv.
Yvonne [00:09:20]:
Oh, my God.
Illa [00:09:20]:
When the electricity would come up because we didn't have water, we didn't have electricity. And so we had to navigate all of that. But being, being a kid and having to really adapt to that was, was profoundly changing in terms of growing up. And I kind of, I kind of gave, gave up on my childhood at that time. I kind of buried it at that time because I needed to really step up and be brave, be independent. My grandma was older, obviously, and so I had to take care of my brother and navigating this uncertainty because any day, if you walk out on the street, you could be shot. There was a sniper actually not, not that far from us, so we couldn't even go to the store without being shot at. And so dealing with that was one thing, dealing with the fact that I didn't know if my mom and dad were alive.
Illa [00:10:31]:
That was another thing, right?
Yvonne [00:10:33]:
Oh, my God.
Illa [00:10:34]:
Trying to kind of figure things out, right? And then one day, I remember I was in the front yard and this jeep pulls up and this man walks in holding something in his hand, and it was a letter from my mom. I knew that she was alive, so that was like the first sign that she was alive. And I sat down on the stairs inside the house. I remember the door was open, the breeze was coming in, and I remember reading that letter. And I think I read it a couple times because I couldn't believe it was her, but I knew her handwriting. And I sat there, and in that letter, she basically told me that this man was here to take me and my brother out of the country because my aunt was in Croatia waiting for us. And right then and there, I had to decide whether or not we're gonna go with this stranger who just showed up at my door with this letter and go into the unknown. That would mean that we would have to go through the enemy lines, that we would, you know, that we could be shot at.
Illa [00:11:53]:
Like, I had no idea. I was actually eleven at that time. But I sat on that stair trying to figure out, what do I do? Do I stay, do I go? Like, I was really perplexed in terms of, you know, what is my grandma gonna say? She's gonna have a heart attack if I say we're leaving with a stranger? But ultimately, the decision was made within about half an hour, and we were packed up and we were in that car. And I remember saying goodbye to everybody. I get so emotional. Sorry, I wasn't ready for this. And we kind of went on and the journey was, wow, I think like four or 5 hours through the web, you know, through the mountains, the valleys. I remember before we got to Croatia, we actually ended up having to hide behind the seats because when we came to the sort of a barricade, they, they tried to look into the car and see if there's anybody there.
Illa [00:13:10]:
And I was just afraid because, you know, you hear all these stories about concentration camps and, you know, sorry, take a time. I didn't think it was going to impact me so much. Anyways, we arrived in Croatia and split. My aunt was there and it was so surreal. I wish I had a picture to show you, but I was just, I didn't know where I was. Like, I knew I was here, but it was so surreal. It was. I was numb.
Illa [00:13:59]:
I think I was disassociating because it was just too much to handle, you know?
Speaker A [00:14:05]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:14:06]:
And okay. And from there on out, we basically left Croatia. We went to cologne. Germany was beautiful, you know, but not knowing the language, having just come from a war zone, it was quite an adjustment. It was quite an adjustment. And, you know, having to learn the language, having to find new friends, you know, being a refugee, that was, that was a transition. That was one of the transitions in my life, and I've had quite a few, but that was definitely one that was so profound for me. And that kind of put so many things in perspective and really shaped me into who I am today.
Illa [00:15:02]:
And so I was there for about five years. I finished high school, and then when I was 18, the war was over. I returned home, and that's when me and my husband actually went out on our first date.
Speaker A [00:15:17]:
Oh, wow.
Illa [00:15:18]:
He professed his love for me. He's like, you know, I had a crush on you. And I remember the day you went in that jeep, and he still talks about it to this day. Day.
Speaker A [00:15:27]:
Wow.
Illa [00:15:27]:
And he, you know, so it's. It's really a day that was kind of pierced in our existence. And he goes, I I still remember that white jeep with the blue letters. And when you left. And so I was there for about three days, and we were not going to stay. We were actually going to move to the US. So it was basically hello and goodbye at the same time. So we dated for about three days, and then I said goodbye to him and I wished him well.
Illa [00:16:06]:
And so we really haven't been in touch. So I moved to the US, and I kind of started my life. He started his life.
Yvonne [00:16:15]:
And did you move, just to ask, did you move to the US? With who?
Illa [00:16:20]:
We moved to the US. So it was my mom, my dad, because we reunited, so everybody was.
Yvonne [00:16:26]:
And was that you were 18 that you reunited?
Illa [00:16:29]:
Exactly. So we reunited and we decided, okay. Because we lost our, our home.
Speaker A [00:16:35]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:16:36]:
Can I just ask you, ila, what was that like, seeing your parents again for the first time?
Illa [00:16:41]:
Oh, my gosh. Well, first it was my mom, because my mom came before my dad. And I remember at the bus station, I hugged her and I couldn't let her go. That was amazing. And then my dad, of course, you know, he came afterwards, and it was just, just as surreal.
Speaker A [00:17:03]:
Oh, my God.
Illa [00:17:04]:
And, you know, but trying to pick.
Yvonne [00:17:08]:
Up the pieces, you know, ten years, right?
Illa [00:17:11]:
Oh, my God. Yeah. I mean, five.
Speaker A [00:17:14]:
Okay, five years.
Illa [00:17:15]:
Five years. Yes. In the making. And so. And that's when we decided to come to the US and kind of start over, because we figured if we're starting from scratch, at least we'll have an opportunity, you know, and everybody talks about the american dream, and we're like, okay, let's have our american dream. And so we came to the US in 98. However, my mom and dad actually ended up divorcing in 2002. Unfortunately, they couldn't make it.
Illa [00:17:49]:
And, you know, I was older at that time. I was working. I could see the dynamic between the two of them, and it could have been also what they have gone through as well. Sort of the aftermath. Yeah, because they really didn't have the harmony that you would want. And so I grew up in a very dysfunctional place. And so my. My mom tried her best.
Illa [00:18:25]:
You know, she was a good mom. She tried it, but unfortunately, it was very toxic. It was very toxic. And so that whole dynamic just rubbed me the wrong way, you know, because when you. When you become an adult, things are different. Right now, you are working. You are fending for yourself. You are.
Illa [00:18:50]:
You're trying to build your life away from your parents. But the way we grew up, it is very much family units. Like, nobody moves away unless they're married. Sort of that approach. And for me, that just didn't sit well with me. You know, I felt like I needed to be on, on my own. So when I was 24, I moved out and kind of began my life, you know, just felt like we all went in different directions, you know? But that's. That's what life is, I guess.
Illa [00:19:33]:
And. And then most of those transitions from when I was 18 up until the 24, I had relationships that were extremely dysfunctional and toxic. Had my heart broken so many times. You know, it really kind of set the stage for a disaster when it comes to my love life.
Yvonne [00:19:59]:
Yeah, well, I'm like a continuation of the war zone.
Illa [00:20:04]:
I mean, I think a lot of that really, for me, I stayed in this relationship because I was looking for safety.
Speaker A [00:20:11]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:20:12]:
You know, I was looking for stability. I was looking for safety. And I think looking back now, I can actually see it as. As something that was really of value to me at that time. You know, someone who I can feel at home with. Like I was always looking for a home in others instead of really turning inward and creating that home for myself.
Speaker A [00:20:41]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:20:42]:
And it wasn't until I did that that I was able to really open up. So when I was 26, I went back home and I got together with my husband again. Well, obviously, he was not my husband at that time.
Yvonne [00:20:59]:
So this was your second date?
Illa [00:21:01]:
That is my second set of dates, yes. So altogether it was six dates. And then I was supposed to, you know, go back to the US. And then we decided that I was going to come next year and we're going to hang out again. And see, like, we wanted to have a relationship. It was going to be a long distance, but there was no talk about marriage or anything like that when we saw each other, because, you know, I'm in the US, he's over there. And so I was sitting at the airport waiting for my flight to leave, and we get a notification that my flight was canceled. So I text him and I'm like, look, my flight is cancelled.
Illa [00:21:52]:
It has been booked for tomorrow. Let's hang out tonight. So that last night was really the deciding. That's the night that he proposed to me. And he basically said, it's kind of funny, cliche, maybe. He said, I let you go once, I'm not gonna let you go again. And having done the work that I've done prior to that, having healed my heart, I said yes right on the spot. I had no idea how we're gonna, you know, do it.
Illa [00:22:26]:
Him over there, me in the US. But I trusted that we're gonna figure it out. And so we did. We figured it out. And so there was no ring or anything like that. So it was not like a proposal. Down on his knee, no, nothing. We're sitting next to each other.
Illa [00:22:44]:
He was holding my hand, and that's basically what he said. And so the next day, of course, I returned to the US and we started figuring things out. I had to retain an attorney to start the whole program process. I did not know what we were going to do. So we did the whole 90 day fiance situation. And so I applied for his visa, and he was here within ten months from that day. He had to say goodbye to all his friends, his family. He had to shut down two of his businesses.
Illa [00:23:23]:
I mean, he did a lot of to be able for us to be together, because I really didn't see myself moving back there, and I didn't, like. I didn't know how it would work if he did not do what he did.
Speaker A [00:23:40]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:23:43]:
Wow, that's a lot, right?
Yvonne [00:23:45]:
That's a lot.
Speaker A [00:23:46]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:23:46]:
And I'm just like, that could be a movie. I mean, wow, like, what a story. And, ayla, thank you so much for sharing that. It's so moving and, oh, my God, thank you for the space.
Illa [00:24:06]:
Thank you. Yeah, I haven't really talked about that to anyone, really. I think there was maybe one person that I've shared this with, so thank you.
Yvonne [00:24:19]:
Thank you so much like, what an honor.
Speaker A [00:24:21]:
Thank you. Yeah.
Yvonne [00:24:25]:
So I want to ask you, with your husband, like you mentioned, you did all this healing work, and so when he asked you, I want to marry you, or will you marry me? And you were just, yes. What was it about? What was maybe the main thing that was different in you, and what was it about him that was different from all the people of your past?
Illa [00:24:52]:
What a great question. I think I said yes because this time I trusted myself. And I feel that a lot of our decisions truly depends on how trusting we. We are in our ability to handle things and curve balls that may come. I knew that our road ahead was not going to be easy, let me tell you. I didn't have money to hire an attorney. I maxed out three cards to actually make that trip over there.
Speaker A [00:25:31]:
Wow.
Illa [00:25:32]:
When I came back, I had no idea how I was going to pay for it. But, you know, when you make an intention, the way it kind of reveals itself. And I did want to share one thing. So I was in school at that time, and as I was figuring out how am I going to pay the first half of the attorney retainer, I went to my PO box, and in my PO box was a check for the exact amount of the retainer from my school loan. It was a leftover amount that my school sent to me.
Yvonne [00:26:15]:
Oh, my God.
Speaker A [00:26:18]:
Wow.
Illa [00:26:20]:
Yeah. So I called up my husband and I told him, like, can you believe we actually have money for this right now so we can fast track these things? Yeah. And it's incredible.
Speaker A [00:26:31]:
It's.
Illa [00:26:31]:
It's really. When you trust in yourself, when you make a decision, a path truly reveals itself. People come into your life, opportunities come into your life. And I've always been someone who was sort of a manifester before this became a thing. Like, right now, there's a lot of talk about manifestation, but I've literally manifested everything in my life, even my wedding date. I wanted to get married seven. Seven, 2007. And we didn't even have his visa or paperwork or anything in order, but we got married 7707.
Speaker A [00:27:16]:
Wow.
Illa [00:27:17]:
So he came into the country two weeks prior to that. He does not remember his vows at all. He was just repeating. And so, you know, it's, uh. When you're intentional in your life, yeah. Everything truly starts to fall into place. But above else, you need to be able to trust yourself that you are going to be okay, regardless.
Speaker A [00:27:42]:
Yes. Yeah.
Illa [00:27:45]:
Yeah. And to answer your question as to how did I know that he was gonna follow through with things, I've. I've asked him questions in those three days that we were together that revealed to me who. Who he was through how he behaved with his mom, what kind of relationship he had with his dad, you know, his friends. So I could really get a picture of who he was because I really didn't know him and he didn't know me. So just as I trusted him, he also trusted me. And so. And then over the course, of course, while we did the whole visa situation, we got to email and talk every single day, so I got to ask questions.
Illa [00:28:43]:
And just the other day, actually, I cleaned out my space upstairs and I found our old emails because we needed to show proof that we were in communication to make it a legit and not a scam. And I kept kind of reading through it all, and it was such a cute reminder to, oh, my gosh, I recall now asking him that and, you know, his answers and all of that. It's truly trusting, trusting each other, trusting in the ability that you're going to be okay. And I didn't know when he came here whether or not he's going to acclimate.
Speaker A [00:29:18]:
Yeah, right.
Illa [00:29:20]:
That was a really difficult time for us. We will. You know, we were in our first year, newlyweds. It's supposed to be bliss, but we lived on $45 a month. After all the bills were paid. We really struggled because we didn't get any government assistance. You don't get any government assistance.
Speaker A [00:29:38]:
Wow.
Illa [00:29:39]:
So I had to basically sign the affidavit, I think that's what I call it, and to make sure that, you know, I can provide for him. Right. But we struggled.
Speaker A [00:29:54]:
We struggled.
Illa [00:29:56]:
And so he couldn't work for about ten months because nobody would want to hire him. He had no experience because everybody wants experience. But how would you acquire experience if you just got into the country and nobody wants to hire you? So it was really, really hard. And it was hard on him, too. He was in a very depressive, dark space, and I was busy.
Yvonne [00:30:18]:
I could see that. And, like, the way that, you know, it's your honeymoon phase and. But right away, these traditional role of man and woman, man provider, woman is able to, you know, create and flow and let go is completely reversed.
Illa [00:30:33]:
He's almost completely reversed. He just felt. He felt so emasculated. And it was really hard on him. And I tried to really lift things up, be positive. I signed him up for ESL course so he could go every day. And then we made sure that he got his license so he could take me to. To work, and he would have a car, at least have a sense of freedom, you know? And so.
Illa [00:31:04]:
And, of course, every day I'd be on the phone on my lunch break, calling around to see if anybody was hiring. And so it was a really, really tough year. And I figured if we survived that year, then we can survive just about anything.
Speaker A [00:31:19]:
Yeah. Yes.
Yvonne [00:31:21]:
And even just the significance of if we can survive this year.
Speaker A [00:31:24]:
Year.
Yvonne [00:31:25]:
And you guys both came from war, so that just goes to show if you're like, if we can survive this year, the challenges that relationships can bring. I mean, in no way was it the same as, you know, being theoretically shot at by a sniper, but just the stress and the difficulties and challenges that relationship can present.
Illa [00:31:49]:
Definitely the trauma. I mean, this was like the big t one, right? It's, um. It was definitely because, actually, he had a lot more issues that he had to deal with because he stayed in the war. I left, but he stayed. The grenade actually hit his neighbor's house, and all the shelling came into his. His mom was injured. She almost died. His sister was as well.
Illa [00:32:19]:
And he actually carried them to the hospital barefoot in the snow.
Speaker A [00:32:25]:
Oh, my God.
Illa [00:32:25]:
And so just, you know, he's gone through so much. So much. And what I try to do is to really become a safe space for him.
Speaker A [00:32:35]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:32:37]:
You know, to. He's very much programmed to be strong, to not show emotion. And over the last 18 years that we have been together, I have kind of broken that shell a little bit, and I've allowed him a space to be emotional. We have cried together. You know, when his uncle, who was absolutely his best friend, passed away, that really was hard on him. And I remember us sitting on the couch here at 03:00 a.m. Just holding each other, and he was just sobbing. And it's so important as a partner to be there for your partner in those moments.
Speaker A [00:33:21]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:33:21]:
To be that safe space. Because from what I've seen through my work and my life, men suppress emotions so much that they become so desensitized to it that when they're in relationships, they become emotionally unavailable.
Speaker A [00:33:38]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:33:39]:
Because it scares the shit out of.
Illa [00:33:40]:
It, creates so much conflict.
Speaker A [00:33:43]:
Mm hmm.
Illa [00:33:44]:
And, you know, there's so much of avoidance that happens out there.
Speaker A [00:33:48]:
There's.
Illa [00:33:48]:
It so many avoidant, attached individuals out there.
Speaker A [00:33:51]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:33:52]:
That just making relationships really, really hard.
Speaker A [00:33:58]:
Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Yeah.
Yvonne [00:34:00]:
You guys definitely was not an easy ride. And what I just want to know. So for him, you know, you were able to give him that safe space to open up and, like, wow. For him to be able to allow that and to have it be safe for him to express himself like that. And what was it for you that he provided you with? Because I know you trusted yourself from the beginning, but how did you feel around him? What was that peace that he was able to give you?
Illa [00:34:35]:
What he gave me was peace of mind through his actions, through his consistency. So I feel for us to really feel safe, we need to know that we can count on someone. So there were times where I was in a bind, where I ended up in an emergency room just all of a sudden, and he would leave his work, he would pick up our kids, he would take care of all of that so that I can be at peace. I really have someone who is sharing life with me, who is able to really step up when the time calls for it. You know, I don't question his integrity. I know that he's loyal, so I don't have to worry about him straying away. And he's out in the field all day. He visits homes all day.
Illa [00:35:44]:
So I don't know what he's doing right. But I do trust him that he's going to stay in integrity and that keeps me safe. That gives me a peace of mind that makes me not to have to worry about it. And that's why I can be that secure individual as well.
Speaker A [00:36:03]:
In this relationship.
Illa [00:36:04]:
It's because there's consistency, there's congruency. Our values are slowly aligning. We didn't have a lot of same values when we initially started. He is very traditional and I'm more of a, you know, liberal free spirit. Spirit. Free spirit. And like, for me, I accept individuals as they are. You know, I don't care who they love.
Illa [00:36:33]:
I don't care, you know, what it is that they do. I try to truly see the good in everyone and I accept them the way they are. I don't judge, I don't criticize because I've spent my life dodging that. I've spent my life being criticized and devalued. And so the last thing I want to do is to be that to someone else because I know how much damage that can do, you know? And I remember when he came here, he's like, I don't think that I'm going to buy a home here or a new car or anything like that. And I'm like, I guess we'll see. Sure enough, we bought a home. We have two brand new cars so far.
Illa [00:37:20]:
So. So his view is shifting because the environment that we're in has shifted his perception yeah. And so now when we go back home, we clash with those back. Back home because our view of life is different, because we have had a different, different vision.
Speaker A [00:37:42]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:37:43]:
You know, we have gotten to explore things and experience things that they haven't. So we're very much growth mindset versus fixed mindset.
Speaker A [00:37:53]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:37:54]:
And I do believe that that is one of the. One of the things that makes this work. We're very much aligned in that.
Speaker A [00:38:04]:
Nice. Yeah.
Illa [00:38:05]:
You know, we're solution oriented because if you have someone who is just looking for problems to every solution, it's difficult to be on the same wavelength.
Speaker A [00:38:18]:
Yeah, yeah.
Illa [00:38:19]:
But, no, we have gotten to the end. You know, we're still kind of exploring. Right. Because we go through phases in life. We change as individuals. We shift. This evolution happens every five years, it seems.
Yvonne [00:38:34]:
How long have you guys been married now?
Illa [00:38:36]:
We've been married for 17 years.
Speaker A [00:38:38]:
Okay. Oh, wow.
Yvonne [00:38:40]:
And would you say out of that, in that timeframe, like, how it just kind of off the top of your head, how many big shifts where you're. Where it's kind of like finding yourself in a new relationship almost have happened so far?
Illa [00:38:55]:
So far? I would say three.
Speaker A [00:38:57]:
Okay.
Illa [00:38:58]:
Yeah, I would say three. Because initially it was when we had our son and then we had our daughter, and then when I went through a career. Career transition five years ago. So there's always a season, I guess. But for me, it's really like a phase. For me, it was a chunk of time where it's like you think you're someone, but then you wake up one day and you're like, no, that's not me anymore. So I've definitely changed. And so he had to get to know me again.
Speaker A [00:39:32]:
Yes.
Illa [00:39:33]:
And that transition has caused a little bit of, like, a nervous system dysregulation in him because as I was changing and growing, because I value growth, I value learning, and I value applying that knowledge because it's so important. So for me, I love to invest in coaching. I love to invest in books and programs and enriching my mind. And as I do, I like to share that with him. And he's not quite there yet. Right. Like we're here.
Yvonne [00:40:06]:
Yeah, that makes sense.
Illa [00:40:07]:
So. But it's important that he's open to listening. He's open to hearing my point of view. And there are days where we clash and we just agree to disagree.
Speaker A [00:40:20]:
Yeah, that's so vital.
Illa [00:40:22]:
Yeah. Because you do go through the phases and you need to accept each other that way.
Speaker A [00:40:30]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:40:31]:
And what comes up with, you know, you saying, in the last, or these shifts you've gone through, and especially the last one, you starting a new career. What comes to my mind, because we are run by our old programs, we are run by our childhood. And what comes to my mind, maybe for your husband is. Maybe he's seeing you in those transitions, like, driving away again in that white car with the blue writing, like, is she. Is she coming back? Like, is she still here? So these are all the things you have to navigate. And also, I've just noticed the significance of your language, too. You know, you said at the beginning you were a shell of a woman. Like, there was, I think you used the word like, shattered.
Yvonne [00:41:14]:
And then, like, the fact that you said your husband became your safe space and you said you became the piece for your husband. Like, it's so symbolic, you know, like, man.
Illa [00:41:28]:
Yeah. When you. When you choose to really turn the lens on yourself and figure out what it is that needs to be improved within you, needs to be unlearned within you, then you can really see life and relationships from a different perspective.
Speaker A [00:41:47]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:41:48]:
For me, yes, I was shattered. Yes, I was broken. Yes, I was a shell of a woman, but I rebuilt myself.
Speaker A [00:41:56]:
Yeah. Yeah.
Illa [00:41:57]:
That's the beauty of it.
Speaker A [00:41:59]:
Right.
Illa [00:41:59]:
And then you can rebuild yourself. And yes, you have these cracks, but that's how the light comes in, they say. So all of this that you do go through in life, all of these relationships that may have not worked out, have worked out in a sense. So if you look at it from that lens, it has worked out because it taught you what it is you want out of life. Out of relationship.
Speaker A [00:42:28]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:42:30]:
That way you can shape yourself into being a partner for the next individual.
Speaker A [00:42:36]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:42:38]:
And that whole aspect of, oh, I wasted my time. I don't think any time really gets wasted. It's either you grow or you're helping the other person grow. Grow.
Speaker A [00:42:51]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:42:52]:
I always like to say that maybe some people who have come into your life and are no longer in your life have come in it for a reason, for you to teach them something about themselves so that you can get them ready for the next stage of their life.
Speaker A [00:43:12]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:43:13]:
Try to find value in that. Try to find peace in that. Because a lot, lot a of us, when of things end, we're looking for closure.
Speaker A [00:43:20]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:43:20]:
That is the best way to find the closure.
Speaker A [00:43:24]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:43:25]:
That's an interesting perspective. And I gotta be honest, not one that I've thought of too much. You know, I'm more like, well, I have no regrets. I had these experiences for a reason. It made me who I am, the reason I'm here today, living an amazing life with so much love. And it is because I had to go through that. I've never looked at it also, from the point of I've. I was also able to help that person grow in some way and help them.
Yvonne [00:43:53]:
And then really, if you look at it from a huge lens, like that world consciousness, like, as these experiences happen, as we grow, as we heal, as we become more, as we are able to carry, like, a greater capacity for love that's getting admitted into the universe, you know? So, yeah, it's all a beautiful thing.
Illa [00:44:16]:
And if you believe in core, like, basically everybody is kind of connected through a cord.
Speaker A [00:44:23]:
Right.
Illa [00:44:23]:
That invisible cord, and people will come into your life and you're still going to be connected to them in some way. So it's the beauty of it, because it is said that people do come into our life for a reason, that it's not a coincidence, but it is up to us to figure out what that reason is for us.
Speaker A [00:44:47]:
Yes.
Illa [00:44:48]:
And so that's where I personally find peace in everything that has happened up until now.
Speaker A [00:44:55]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:44:56]:
And everything that I know is going to happen.
Speaker A [00:44:58]:
Yes.
Illa [00:44:59]:
Although I'm a lot more hopeful and I'm a lot more excited about the things that are yet to come, because now I have this. This new vision for my life. I am more aware of these things because you kind of elevate. Right. You kind of become that 3d Persona or the 5d Persona. As you grow in your conscious understanding of life and relationships. There's a lot of times we hold on to the pain so much that our hands start to bleed and we just. We just can't.
Illa [00:45:41]:
Like, you need to let go. Just let go, you know? Because when you let go, you let go off of the weight.
Speaker A [00:45:47]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:45:48]:
Because as long as you hang on to the past, as long as you hang on to your ex, you're not going to create space for someone new to come in.
Speaker A [00:45:57]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:45:59]:
And so when you become aware of that, then you can see the possibility. You can see the opportunity for you to open your heart to love.
Speaker A [00:46:08]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:46:09]:
You've done it. I've done it. And look at us now. We're in loving, healthy relationships. We're thriving.
Speaker A [00:46:16]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:46:17]:
And we get to make this change and pass on all these lessons that we have had along the way.
Speaker A [00:46:24]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:46:25]:
And that's truly, you know, storytelling and sharing experiences that, you know, like, you talking today, like, it hit me in the heart so many times, and it's like there's something in your story that I needed to hear today because it's. It's showing me something about myself. You know, I didn't go through the exact same thing as you. Of course not. But there's so, so many things that, you know, the core experience is similar. Loss of connection, loss of safety, loss of being a child, and, you know, having to navigate relationships and life and reconnect with that, you know, with that authentic part of us. And I guess that's kind of where I'd like to go now. So I want to ask you, you mentioned, and I circled it like I'm making notes as we go with keywords, and I just circled the word and underlined it.
Yvonne [00:47:21]:
Like, the fact you said you trusted yourself, this word trust. And for women that are listening, that maybe they've. Maybe they're still in a not so good relationship. Maybe they're just out of it. Maybe they want to meet someone, but they're scared. Maybe they've met someone. You know, how can they. How can they trust themselves more? Like, what are some steps maybe that you took? Like, what was the biggest piece for you around? That word.
Illa [00:47:48]:
Got it. I actually wrote a book about it, and it's a 1212 step guide. I can actually grab it and show you called uncover authentic you.
Yvonne [00:48:03]:
Oh, cool.
Illa [00:48:04]:
And it's basically a blueprint of what it means to discover who you are and truly accept yourself just the way you are, the imperfectly perfect version of you. So, usually, if you have been in a relationship that was toxic, abusive, or just not congruent with what it is that you wanted, and that can leave you questioning whether or not you're ever gonna find love. And the first thing is really to change, to start changing that mindset. Just because you have gone through something like that doesn't mean it needs to repeat itself. Right. Because we are all programmed to think that just because it happened in the past, it's gonna happen again.
Speaker A [00:48:59]:
Mm hmm.
Illa [00:49:00]:
And so we are kept in that space, in that mind space of what if? What if? What if, right? What if it doesn't work out? But what if it does work out? What if you can find someone that's going to cherish you and love you and be there for you and make you feel safe and protected?
Speaker A [00:49:21]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:49:21]:
And that's sometimes the scary part. Like, what if, like, oh, my God. Like, that's the scary part.
Illa [00:49:30]:
Exactly. I love to do reframing, so we do a lot of reframing when I work with someone. And it really goes to show that neuroplasticity aspect of things when you repetitively and intentionally reframe the thing. So instead of thinking of the negative, you actually mentioned yourself the opposite. So what if it doesn't work out? What if it does work out? Yes, I've been heartbroken, but I can always open my heart to love again. Right. Is that repetitive and intentional aspect of rewiring your mind to see the positive?
Yvonne [00:50:16]:
It's so powerful. And even for me nowadays, the power of repetitive language, whether you write it or for me, it's the most powerful. Speaking it out loud. And at this point I've created, it's like a morning routine where I look in the mirror and I say the same, I don't know, probably 20 or 30 statements, and I say it to myself every morning and drill it into my head. But it's so powerful.
Illa [00:50:43]:
I do the same thing. So anybody who is starting right now, take a post it, write it down, put it on your bathroom mirror or sink. When you. When you wash your face, as you apply your skincare, whatever it is that you do in the morning, brush your teeth.
Speaker A [00:51:01]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:51:02]:
Look at it, read it, say it out loud. Speaking out loud truly helps.
Speaker A [00:51:06]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:51:07]:
And initially, it's going to feel really uncomfortable, because I'm sure you can attest to that. Like, am I crazy? You might be turning around to see if anybody's hearing you.
Speaker A [00:51:18]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:51:18]:
Or whispering so no one hears outside. Like, I am beautiful.
Illa [00:51:25]:
I mean, write it down. Start with five. Start with five things and add on to it.
Speaker A [00:51:33]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:51:35]:
I am beautiful. I am smart. I am capable. I am lovable. I am enough. Start with those and read it every morning. And what I also found to be helpful is if you smile at yourself, because it really connects those words to the smile, so your neurons start to dance around. Right.
Illa [00:52:05]:
Because from a neurological standpoint, and I love neuroscience. I'm such a neuroscience nerd, I have to tell you that you are schemers. You're creating new neural connections as you start to do things differently.
Speaker A [00:52:18]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:52:19]:
Because most of us were set in our ways. We're on the autopilot every morning. You get up, you do the same exact routine, right? You brush your teeth, you get your coffee, or you get your coffee, brush your teeth, you get in the car, you go to work, or whatever it is that you do, you drop off the kids. Nothing new happens to you.
Speaker A [00:52:38]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:52:38]:
So you got to be intentionally doing that. Start with that. Put the post it on your bathroom mirror.
Speaker A [00:52:43]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:52:44]:
And read it every morning.
Yvonne [00:52:46]:
Every morning.
Illa [00:52:46]:
It's not going to take you more than a minute. So 60 seconds. Devote those 60 seconds to yourself in the morning.
Speaker A [00:52:52]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:52:53]:
Read them.
Speaker A [00:52:54]:
Yes.
Illa [00:52:55]:
Do the same thing in your, I don't know, your office space, your bedroom, like, anywhere when you can see it in the house. Just to remind you in the beginning, because it truly helps. It helps you rewire. And the more you do that, the more schemers. There's actually a video that showed, like, microscopically how the schemers are connecting. So you're creating new neural connections over the old ones, and slowly the old ones are gonna just fall off, starting to rewire. It's gonna take time. So you have to be really patient with yourself.
Illa [00:53:29]:
Yes, but this is an investment in you. It's an investment in your future, and it has to become a lifestyle. It's not something you do for a week, and then you kind of fall off because it's not going to work. If you want different results, you've got to start doing things differently, and you got to kind of explore, explore these modalities. What works for you, what doesn't work for you.
Speaker A [00:53:53]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:53:54]:
Necessarily mean that because it worked for us, that's gonna work for you. Start investing in yourself. Start, you know, have a coach. I have a coach, I have a business coach, and I also have a life coach. And so for me, it's really important to have a community and have a place where I can come and also figure out what my blind spots might be, because a lot of us, we, we have them. Yeah, we have them. And it's easier for someone else to see it. And I'm sure you can see it as well.
Illa [00:54:28]:
When you coach, you know, where someone is so sad in their ways, and then you say something for that and they're like, oh, my God, I didn't see that way.
Yvonne [00:54:36]:
And then also noticing what I found for myself as you're repeating these statements and getting into these new habits, noticing in your day, like, what shows up, because it's pretty magical. The synchronicities and the little things that will start to happen as, like, you know, I say, maybe my day is going to be filled with joy and love, and I'm super excited and creative today. Well, all of a sudden, I'll get, like, these ideas or my workflow. It'll just be so easy. Or I'll get a text from a friend that I haven't heard of, like, these little aura birds will, like, land on the. There's been some crazy shit that's happened. Like, these little synchronicities that start to reflect these statements.
Illa [00:55:24]:
Yeah, definitely to, to your point. It's these synchronicities is these little signs that you have not noticed.
Speaker A [00:55:31]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:55:33]:
Because now you're focus, you're changing your focus. They say, you know, your energy flows where your focus goes or something like that along the lines. But the thing is that when you are, again, intentional, it's all about being intentional and figuring things out as you go. And you're going to see these pieces of proof that things are shifting for you. The fact that you and I are talking right now, this is a huge milestone for me.
Speaker A [00:56:07]:
Wow.
Illa [00:56:09]:
I actually have tried to hide. I've been always in the background. I have not really put my face forward. You can see it. Like, if you look at my facebook, you can't see anything past the last maybe three years.
Speaker A [00:56:24]:
Wow.
Illa [00:56:25]:
I was in the background. I was hiding. You know, I would have my pictures here and there, but I haven't really been talking. So right now, I've been pushing myself out of my car comfort zone and being podcast guest and sharing my story and sharing my experience and really putting myself in uncomfortable situations. And that's how you build resilience.
Speaker A [00:56:47]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:56:48]:
Trust.
Speaker A [00:56:49]:
Yes.
Yvonne [00:56:50]:
And I just saw little Isla under that backseat, hiding under the back seat, you know, and now she's like, okay, it's safe to come out.
Speaker A [00:56:59]:
Come out.
Illa [00:57:00]:
Absolutely. And it's amazing, you know, when you. When you start to work on yourself, when you start applying these modalities that you and I both have done to get us here.
Speaker A [00:57:14]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:57:16]:
And you can see the ship. Your life can change in a matter of six months to a year. Complete 180.
Yvonne [00:57:24]:
Complete.
Illa [00:57:25]:
Yeah, complete 180. Only if you're willing to try things you haven't tried before.
Speaker A [00:57:31]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:57:33]:
If you're single now, you can be in a relationship in three to six months.
Speaker A [00:57:37]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:57:40]:
Or, and you're not happy.
Speaker A [00:57:43]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:57:44]:
You can be in a different space. You can be free. You can open your heart. Who knows? Maybe you can meet someone six months from now. If you started today, if you decided, this is not what I want in this relationship and just, you know, rip the band aid off, just say, hey, look, because most of us, we stay in relationships way past the expiration day, of course. Right.
Speaker A [00:58:08]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:58:08]:
When you go to the point where you're like, I'm done.
Speaker A [00:58:11]:
Yeah.
Illa [00:58:12]:
That is. That is. That is the point of no return, which means that you're emotionally checked out.
Speaker A [00:58:17]:
Yeah. Yeah.
Illa [00:58:18]:
And we all have been there. I'm sure we all have.
Yvonne [00:58:22]:
And when you make that, when you, you know, when you decide to, you know, this is what I want. This is who I want to be. And, like, you implement some of these simple practices, like, don't be surprised if things happen immediately. That's how it was for me. Like, it was absolutely insane.
Speaker A [00:58:42]:
I asked.
Yvonne [00:58:43]:
I didn't even ask. I said, this is what's going to happen. This is how I'm going to be. This is how I'm going to live my life. This is going to come into my life. This is how my relationship is going to look, feel. And it, like, it was instantaneous. Like, this stuff is insane.
Yvonne [00:59:01]:
Once we like. And then again, trust. And trust in yourself, but also then trusting, giving that trust onto something greater.
Illa [00:59:10]:
Exactly.
Yvonne [00:59:11]:
And surrendering to that. Waving the white flag again, going back to that symbolism.
Illa [00:59:16]:
Whatever you open and ready to receive. Whatever. Standing my way.
Speaker A [00:59:21]:
Yeah. Yes.
Yvonne [00:59:23]:
Oh, that's amazing. Oh, that's so good. I want to ask, where. Where are you and your husband at today? What's your life look like?
Illa [00:59:34]:
Well, we have two beautiful kids that keep us on our toes. We have a 13 year old and a nine year old going on 29.
Speaker A [00:59:42]:
Wow.
Illa [00:59:45]:
And we, me and my husband, I mean, we are stronger than ever. It seems every month there is a new discovery that we make about each other. And just the other night, actually, we. We were up till about 01:00 in the morning talking about a podcast that I was on because he wanted to know. He's like, okay, tell me more about this, because we talked about pain and all of that. So he's definitely, definitely coming out of his shell. He's wanting to understand more, and I'm trying to see things in his light, in his way more now than ever. And so.
Illa [01:00:26]:
So he's happy where he's at in his job and his career. I'm definitely aspiring to be a lot more than I am right now, but even where I'm at, it's enough. So I'm really embracing the now and getting really excited for what's to come. Yes. And that I get to really do things like this. I mean, meet amazing individuals like yourself and have these amazing, connected conversations, and it just, you know, fuels my heart.
Speaker A [01:01:03]:
Yeah, that's so awesome.
Yvonne [01:01:04]:
And it's almost like it's never ending practice. The trusting and the one theme that's been coming up for me and a lot of women in my life, especially in the last week, like, there's. It's so funny how we're all kind of connected. So one thing is this impatience. Like, I want it now. And it's again, like. And I've been saying it's so funny, this last week everyone was talking about we gotta wave that white flag, we gotta surrender and like, trust and just, it's, it's okay. Like, right.
Yvonne [01:01:34]:
Being in the present moment and just enjoying the ride, it's been so significant. So it sounds like that's it really is.
Illa [01:01:44]:
You know, I mean, we are all kind of programmed to go, go, go, but have you noticed that every time you go get to the place where you want to get, there's another goal post you want to achieve. So that satisfaction is never really there. It's just, I guess, the thrill of the chase.
Speaker A [01:02:02]:
Yeah.
Illa [01:02:03]:
So it's important to stop for a minute and just kind of be in the now and to enjoy the now. Because where you at right now is someone's dream.
Yvonne [01:02:15]:
If I love. If you can give women just one piece of advice, what would that be?
Illa [01:02:24]:
Wow, what a great question. There are many, many things that I would share, but one of the things is that to truly be at peace, you need to know who you are and what that means is connecting with your soul and not being afraid to show the world the true you. You know, the you that happens behind closed doors, the you that your close friends that you trust immensely see you as. Stop masking up, stop pretending, stop accommodating, stop conforming. You are you for a reason, and that is your superpower.
Yvonne [01:03:17]:
That's beautiful.
Speaker A [01:03:18]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [01:03:21]:
Okay. How can women best get in touch with you and connect with you?
Illa [01:03:27]:
So I'm on Facebook mostly. That's where the party's at. But there's a link tree link in my page so they can click, click on that and they can connect with me. And of course through my book.
Yvonne [01:03:43]:
So I'll make sure to link all that in the show notes. So you're just an easy click away.
Speaker A [01:03:50]:
Oh, yeah, of course.
Yvonne [01:03:51]:
I'll put a link to your book in there as well. It's a twelve step guide to uncover authentic you.
Illa [01:03:57]:
Yeah. So it's called uncover authentic you. I don't know if you can read it backwards.
Speaker A [01:04:02]:
Mm hmm.
Illa [01:04:03]:
So it's a twelve.
Speaker A [01:04:04]:
Yeah, I see it.
Illa [01:04:05]:
It's a step by step guide.
Speaker A [01:04:07]:
Yeah. Awesome.
Illa [01:04:08]:
It's got a little notebook in the back because I like to be practical.
Speaker A [01:04:13]:
Yeah. Yeah.
Illa [01:04:14]:
So this way we just grab that, grab a pen and you go to your favorite place and you can walk through it.
Speaker A [01:04:21]:
Nice.
Yvonne [01:04:22]:
Wonderful. Okay, last question before we wrap up is what song are you currently dancing to?
Illa [01:04:30]:
Oh, there is a, there is a song by Samantha Leah, which is a very like, energy vibe song. And I. It just came out. I don't even know the title of it. I just, you know, I just love it. It's on my page right now. I'm dancing to it.
Yvonne [01:04:46]:
Oh, cool. Oh, that's awesome. I love that.
Illa [01:04:49]:
It's Amenta Leah. L e a h. Very vibey energy music.
Yvonne [01:04:58]:
Yeah, I'll check her out.
Illa [01:05:00]:
Wonderful.
Speaker A [01:05:01]:
Oh.
Yvonne [01:05:02]:
Oh, my gosh. I didn't expect you to ask me that question. What am I dancing to right now? Oh, my gosh. I think it's called hot blooded and I don't know the artist, but I'll add it and I'll add your song to the dating greatly playlist on Spotify. But it's called hot blooded and it's just got a great beat. Like a little bit sensual and yeah, it just brings out all sorts of feminine movements. My hips really like it.
Illa [01:05:31]:
Perfect feminine energy. Yeah, totally feminine.
Speaker A [01:05:36]:
Yeah. Yeah.
Yvonne [01:05:38]:
That's great. Isla, thank you so much for sharing your story. Your, like, precious story with us today. Again, I feel so honored and thank you so much. It touched me and moved me in so many ways. I can't wait to re listen to the episode. Thank you so much for opening up and being so vulnerable here with us.
Speaker A [01:06:05]:
Thank you.
Illa [01:06:05]:
Thank you so much for creating the space for me to share and for having me. It was amazing.
Yvonne [01:06:13]:
Thank you.
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✅ Dating Greatly Playlist on Spotify- an uplifting dance playlist, curated by Dating Greatly guests
Intro Song: Bensound- Summer