Ep 7- Why I Left My Healthy Relationship

READ ALONG

From listening to my podcast episodes or checking out my content, you may have seen that I was in a long-term relationship. My partner Bryan and I were together for six years and we just separated. I wanna talk a little bit about that today because my work is all about being in healthy relationships, and getting to that point where you're ready to be in a healthy relationship.

I was in a healthy relationship and all of a sudden I am separated. I am now single. I wanna explore a little bit about what happened , what led me to the separation, how the separation is going, and where I'm headed to next.

My partner, Bryan and I, were in a relationship for almost six years. We met in 2017 and were engaged to be married. This year, actually 2023 was the goal. Actually it was 2022, but we postponed. Maybe that was some foreshadowing going on there. So we met in 2017 and we had a really good relationship.

He was and is a great companion, a fantastic friend. He's hilarious. He's super intelligent, financially savvy, athletic, just a wonderful, well-rounded person. We had five great years. Lots of adventures. We went through Covid together. There were definitely some core moments that really molded us together and Covid was one of those things full of challenges, but at the end of it, we seemed stronger for it.

And I say seemed for a reason. One of the things in our relationship that we did really well was communicate. So we had excellent communication. Everything was always addressed really quickly. And we were able to talk about it and I don't think we ever had fights or disagreements that lasted past a day.

One or the other would apologize if the need was there. And it was always just talked about unpacked and we were able to refocus and just get on with our life. So that was really awesome. I was very good at asking for what I needed. Very good at communicating, any kind of, desires, boundaries anything like that. I was pretty open and I had to learn that.

I didn't enter the relationship with all of this knowledge. I learned that. I've grown an insane amount in 5 years. I would say more than any other years combined.

So just so much growth. I really unpacked my inner stuff my stories, my beliefs.

Bryan was a really good partner to grow and learn with. He was always open and receptive and so yeah, we grew a lot together for him as well. Like he just kind of jumped on board with my self-awareness, my growth. He just always kind of kept up and did his own thing with a men's lens. So there was a lot of things that worked well in our relationship.

People would admire us by how we were with each other, how we communicated with each other, and how we were able to solve, disagreements and arguments in our relationship. So that was always really good, but all is not what it seems.

If the relationship was so good, why am I now separated?

Why did we break up? And like I said, we were engaged. We got engaged in 2020 and weren't in a rush to get married. And then with C O V I D it was pretty logical that we weren't getting married . We got engaged and then Covid happened, so 2020 and 2021 were out.

Anyway, we knew that and we wanted some time to be engaged as well. And then 2022 came around and we would talk about the wedding, and then it would be like we would settle on something, but then either me or Bryan would be like no, I don't like that. Let's have a big party, let's get eloped, let's sign the papers.

We went back and forth and changed our mind all the time, but then we'd never settle on anything. We were like, all right, we'll address it in the future. So I definitely noticed that there wasn't a rush to get married, which I found okay. However, it was the third year of being engaged and our family started asking questions

I realized that with

the getting married part, it just wasn't coming easily to me. It wasn't like a, hell yeah, let's get married, let's have this party . I was always kind of neutral.

I know it was important to Bryan. Traditionally and also he wanted to make that commitment to me, which was lovely. It was never anything that I really was like, yes, let's do it. Let's get this thing done. And at first I thought it was only my preference, however, this year Bryan decided to take the bull by the horns and decided to start planning the wedding.

I noticed when he said that, I was like, WHOA! I really felt myself put the brakes on, like Uh oh, uh oh. That was a sign. I felt like that's not how I want to feel when my partner wants to organize the wedding.

I wanna be like, hell yeah, let's get it done. You know, I'm super excited to be your wife. And that just wasn't there. And there were definitely other things. And in the later stages of 2022, doubts started to creep in.

I was always very certain of our relationship and about where we were going. However, in late 2022, that started to shift and what I noticed was that there was some big key incompatibilities between us.

I'm sure most of you have heard of love languages. I love the love languages. If you haven't heard of the love languages just type into Google" love languages quiz" and take the quiz and see what your love language is. The love language language is like the way that you express to others that you love them and the way that you best receive love, like the way that you know others love you.

So there are five love languages. One of them is words of affirmation. Using your words like telling someone you love them. Then gifts. Gift giving and receiving. Acts of service, doing things for others. Quality time. That's pretty straightforward. Spending time with others. And physical touch. So hugs, kisses, that kind of thing.

I noticed that there was some key incompatibilities between Bryan and I. One of them being our love languages were similar but different. My top love language is physical touch and physical touch placed last on Brian's list. So a very low need for Bryan but very high need for me. Brian placed really high on words of affirmations, which was very low on my list.

In a healthy partnership, you will know each other's love language. You will know how the other responds to receiving love, and you will do your best to accommodate the person by going outside of what is natural for you, but providing for your partner.

And Bryan always did his best to provide the physical touch for me. Definitely didn't come natural. And I also did my best to ask for what I needed in that, in that department. So asking for hugs, that kind of thing.

I think we both placed the quality time love language second. However what is our definition of quality? So the way that I saw that Bryan defined quality time was as long as he's in the same space as me in the same house, he knows I'm there. Maybe he can hear me or knows I'm upstairs doing whatever and he is downstairs.

That's quality time for him. It's just being in the same proximity. For me, quality time is like sit next to me. With our legs touching or like hugging me or just looking at each other or going out and doing something together. For me, it's always doing something together for me as quality time. I did the best to ask what I needed in that department and Brian did as well because he actually needs a lot of space.

I also noticed that I was not feeling energized anymore by being together. When I'm with my partner and we're doing something together, I wanna feel excited, I wanna feel energized, like hell yeah, let's do something. I just wasn't feeling that anymore. And I could see from him as well. He was not energized when we spent time together, the energy wasn't there from either one of us.

So at the end of the day, I came to the realization that if Bryan is himself a hundred percent, and I am myself authentic, Yvonne, a hundred percent, one of us is unhappy, one of us isn't getting their needs met.

It really came down to this incompatibility. There was other things as well. These are just a couple things that I mention. I came to this fork in the road and I... took it. That's some Yogi Berra for you.

When I recognized those differences I made the decision that I needed to leave the relationship.

I also looked at it from a point of, what do I need to do that I can provide these things for me? Which is a really healthy mindset.

I don't expect my partner to take care of my needs all the time. I need to be able to provide these things for me. Even things like physical touch.

So I was like, all right, well I'll sit here and hug myself. I'll give myself these things. Or I can get it from my friends. I can ask my partner to give me a hug. So I did all these things and I did a really good job with that.

Even for quality time, I embraced my friends more. I got my connection elsewhere with people that also valued physical quality time and physical touch. It’s a good thing to ask yourself if you're ever in a situation where your needs are not being met by your partner. Am I showing up for myself and meeting my own needs?

It's not your partner’s responsibility to meet your needs, it is your own responsibility to get your needs met. So how can you provide those things, all those things you want from your partner? How can you provide that for yourself?

And then I just came to a realization that yes, I need to provide these things for myself, however, I can expect support in all these areas from my partner. I can expect my partner to provide these types of things for me as well. And again, my partner did the best he could. Bryan did the best he could to provide those things for me, but again, it came down to an incompatibility.

So at the end of the day, I knew for a lifetime Bryan was not going to meet my needs.

And that was a heavy realization, like, I'm not going to get my needs met in this relationship. Even if I step up for myself, it's not gonna happen. So do I continue with this relationship, which is stable, which is loving, which is a great companionship. I laugh. I have a great time. We have great conversations. We have a lot of the same values. Do I continue this relationship knowing that these areas of physical touch, the quality time, the energy, that deep connection- I'm not gonna have my needs met? I did not want to do that.

I imaged being together for another 10 years and not having these aspects fulfilled and also knowing I wouldn't be able to be my authentic self, or both of us together, wouldn't be able to be our authentic selves and have it be harmonious. I knew that I, I could not continue.

I also knew that for Brian I wasn't the best partner because he values his independence and his freedom and his alone time so much. And I value connection so much. It’s a huge incompatibility. And for Bryan to feel like himself, he needs that space and solitude. I know every man has this need, but Bryan’s independence is on another level. He needs a partner that's equally happy to do their own thing and not put such heavy emphasis on physical touch or physical quality time.

So after this recognition, the biggest thing became looking at …

What would a separation look like? What would that be like? And so much fear and sadness came up of course,

because this is someone who I've spent the last five, almost six years with. Being together all the time. He is like family. It was scary to think about. How would it look like if I’m not with this person anymore? That was super scary. Really, really scary.

And also what will my finances look like? What about everything we've built and created together, what will that turn into? And is he gonna leave? Is he gonna go back to Newfoundland where he's from? And that brought up a whole bunch of things from my childhood, like abandonment wounds from when my mom left when I was 16.

So part of me was like, oh my God, I'm gonna lose the most important person to me. All of a sudden I had to navigate that. I started to retract again and be like, oh, well I think I can make it work. I think it's okay. On the one hand I had safety, security, the attachment, familiarity. That's comforting. And then on the other hand I had all the possibility of what's next, the freedom of being by myself, the liberation that comes from that. The joy, fulfillment, connection, the depths I could experience if I left this relationship.

These two things we're fighting- safety and comfort versus joy and liberation.

It took me awhile to get past that. I got to a point where I was like, which one of these can I live without and which one can I provide for myself?

I came to the realization that I’m not 6 years old anymore. I'm not 16 when my Mom left. I am an adult woman. I am 37 years old. I've been on this planet for a while. I am street smart. I know what I'm doing. I have extreme self-awareness. I am emotionally intelligent. I have so many tools and and support systems in place that I can provide that safety and security for myself.

If Bryan's not here to give me the familiar, I can step up for myself and give myself that. However, the joy, the liberation, the freedom, the intimacy and connection… that I was not willing to suppress. And once I made that decision I was ready to transition the relationship. And as I did all the anxiety that I had been feeling around it just went away.

I felt at peace. The conversation and everything that came afterwards was just an incredible display of how far I've come and also how far Bryan has come and how much we've grown and how much we care about each other. The whole thing was just so anti-climatic and. Peaceful and loving and caring and open and honest.

I am just so impressed with how it went. We both shared our feelings, our truths and really went through this whole process of transitioning our relationship to a friendship just really gently and lovingly. We didn't want to just from one day to the next move out or end it abruptly.

We both wanted it to be a gentle transition. That took some time, and so actually it took two months, which I think by the end, we would've been okay just having one month of a gentle transition. By the end, we were like, all right, this can happen now! Cuz we had done a lot of processing together, a lot of grieving together, and planning together.

Even though it was very sad to make the decision and to know that this is now the end of this book, we both knew and felt and stated that it was the right thing. It was the healthiest separation that I've ever experienced.

In the past I often would just cut things off and then cut them out of my life.

I am not in touch with any of my exes . I just always cut it off and goodbye. See you later. But with Bryan there's so much appreciation there and love that that's not an option.

We're in communication about how it's going for both of us.

When you spend five or six years with a person that you deeply care about you wanna know that they're doing good. You wanna know their new life is going well and that they're settling in or maybe they're not. You know each other, especially after that time, probably better than most people know you. So that was really important to me to have those conversations after separation.

Another big part of this is the connection to my work. The women I work with are women that wanna be in a healthy relationship, but they're super scared to start dating or to even meet people to put themselves out there. So here I am, newly single, a little bit in this same boat. So I'm just very excited to actually go on this journey with the women that I work with. And to have a different point of view. Being single and starting to date and meet people, I'm very excited for that part of it.

I've prepared in so many ways. I'm so much more knowledgeable than I was five years ago. I know what I want. I know how to set boundaries. I know what I'm looking for. It all feels very different. It all feels very exciting. I’m excited to go down this road eventually, whenever that's gonna happen, to start meeting people.

I'm already in that space where I just feel so open and ready. There's like joy, connection and love, like that's where I'm going and I'm just so excited for that. I'm so excited to see what kind of connections and people I'm gonna meet on my journey and to see all of my work over the years, all of my self-awareness, all of my growth come to fruition in this next step.

Maybe I'll be doing some documenting about what I learn in my dating journey. We'll see. For now I'm focusing on having a great time and on what's next for me.

I'm super excited about the podcast. I'm super excited about my work. I'm super excited about friends, connections, nature everything. Life is good. And I also know it’s good for Bryan.

He's having a great time reconnecting with his roots, with his friends, doing what he loves. He's written some amazing poetry over the last five years and he is publishing that.

So if you wanna check out my ex’s poetry, he's an amazing writer. His handle is @bryanduffett Look him up. I'll probably share some of his stuff on my page.

So before I finish today, I just wanna let you know that if you've had a breakup or a separation that was super painful in the past, and it might be keeping you from reentering that arena of dating and relationships, just know that the amount of growth that you've done since your last relationship is gonna prevent you from ever encountering something like that again. That pain and that heartbreak and that shit show is not gonna repeat. I'm a great example of that. The way I handled breakups in the past and the way that I handled this one, it was a world of difference.

Of course every separation or breakup is painful and no one likes pain, but it's part of life. What's on the other side is just incredible.

So if you're holding yourself back because of fear of a breakup or a separation, you're also holding yourself back from joy, connection, love, incredible possibilities and insane amount of growth. You need a partner to mirror the things that come to the surface. You need a partner to help you heal. Heal that stuff.

So yes, by avoiding relationships you'll prevent pain. Yes you will. That's nice. But you're also gonna preventing all these incredible, amazing, life- force-giving things.

So I really encourage you to go for joy, to go for love, to go for a connection, to go for growth, to go for transformation, evolution, and all that good stuff. And if you want some help with that, of course I gotta plug my program here!

It's called Wholehearted Love. It's an eight week one-on-one program where we get you to a point where you feel open and ready. Attract a healthy relationship with a trustworthy partner. We dive deep. We look at some of the patterns and behaviors you have that might be preventing you from getting into healthy relationships. From choosing healthy partners. We look at those, we transform them so that when you go out there, you're gonna attract the right person and you're gonna just have an incredible experience. If you have any questions, you can message me or check out my website lifecoachyvonne.com

I just feel love and gratitude. I don't feel heartbreak. I do have sad moments of course. And those are those little parts that were abandoned or felt like they were abandoned. I wasn't really abandoned. That wound comes up sometimes or the grief, the part that's really sad about losing someone that I'm really familiar with. Mainly it’s joy and optimism and gratitude. So hopefully I have been able to wire some of that your way.

Thanks for tuning in and see you next time on Dating Greatly! Byyyyye!