Losing Your Shit In Relationships- Navigating Conflict
Today I want to talk to you about losing your shit in relationships and how we can make our relationships stronger moving forward.
We know divorce rates are super high, but here are some interesting stats for you:
41% of first marriages end in divorce
60% of second marriages end in divorce
73% of third marriages end in divorce
There are 9 divorces in the time it takes a couple to say their wedding vows
This tells us: Make your first marriage last, because it ain’t gonna get better! But making a relationship last is difficult. The odds are against us, especially after our first marriage.
The Department of Psychology of the University of Denver did a study in 2013 about the reasons for getting a divorce. The Top 3 Reasons for Getting a Divorce are:
Lack of committment
Infedelity
Conflict and arguing
In this episode I’ll be focusing on the latter, Conflict & Arguing.
A couple of days ago I had a argument with my partner and I had a major reaction. It was like any other day, the sun was shining, it was the weekend and it was beautiful outside. I wanted to go for a walk so I asked my partner to join me on the walk, which he agreed to. I had my coat on and I was ready to go and he starts talking about something that’s irritating him. He was talking and I was listening and I was doing my best to be there for him and support him, but I really wanted to go outside. It was getting later in the day and I really wanted to get some sunlight.
I started to get hot in my winter coat. I asked to end the conversation but he kept talking. I started getting frustrated.
Finally the conversation ended so I went to put my shoes on. Finally he says “I’m not going to go for the walk.” And I lost it.
I felt rage crawl up my stomach, come through my chest, my throat and out my mouth. I yelled at him and I’m sure there were some fbombs. I was so mad that after all that he couldn’t have the decency to go on a walk with me. I left and while I was walking I was so angry. I was cursing him in my head and out loud. I got to the point where I had tears in my eyes.
I wanted to hit something and flail my arms, but apparently you’ve got to be a decent citizen and not do that in public. It’d be great if I was a child- I could do that in public!
Here’s another divorce statistic for you, from an online survey done in the USA.
In regards to who is to blame for the divorce…
55% said it was their partners fault
34% said it was both of their fault
11% said it was their fault
We tend to blame our partners for the horrible feelings we’re experiencing, because had they have just played along our reaction wouldn’t have happened.
But what if we were to look at the role that we play in every single situation?
What if our goal was, how can I take responsibility for at least some of this, and how can I free myself and empower myself to move forward?
So as I was walking with the rage inside of me, I told myself to start focusing on my breath. I noticed I didn’t want to break things anymore. I asked myself What is underneath this anger? Anger is always there to protect us from more vulnerable emotions. It’s easier to feel than sadness, fear or confusion. I knew underneath my anger was sadness.
I asked myself what about the situation with my partner made me feel sad? I realized I was really sad that I didn’t listen to my gut. When my partner was talking to me I knew the conversation had nothing to do with me. It was his thing that he was working out, but I also knew it wasn’t making me feel good and I didn’t have to listen to it.
My intuition told me to remove myself from the conversation and go for a walk by myself. It told me to get out because it wasn’t good for me. But I didn’t remove myself and I didn’t get out. I stayed.
I also felt sad because I thought I had to stay in the conversation because my partner needs me. I identify as a Helper, and when I help, I feel loved. If I am not able to help, I am not loved. In the moment where I wanted to remove myself, the part of me that is a helper wanted to stay.
At this point we’re coming back to ourselves. We’re there for ourselves and supporting ourselves. We’re no longer putting all of our energy and focus on our partners. We’re back to us, calming ourselves and standing with ourselves.
It’s like being with a little kid when it’s having a tantrum and then starts to cry. You’re there for the little kid inside you in that moment.
By the time I got back home I was calmer. I still needed time to process what had happened. I felt exhausted because so much emotion had passed through my body. I took a couple of hours by myself sanding a tabletop and listening to an audio book, just to come around again. Once I took my time and my partner took his time we came together and explained our points of views. This is my point of view, this is what happened, this is what I’m going to do differently next time. He did the same.
We realized both of us failed at putting up boundaries.
My partner didn’t want to go on a walk in the first place- he wanted to spend some time alone to re-charge. He was unable to assert himself and create that boundary, where as I was unable to assert myself and remove myself from the situation. We both had a similar experience and we both knew that our reactions had nothing to do with the other person.
From there we were able to hug it out and high-five each other for the quick recovery. It’s important that when you’ve calmed down and chatted with your partner, to acknowledge that you got past the issue and figured it out.
Give yourself credit for having the conversation, because this shit is hard. When you can hi-five each other for getting through a situation it makes it fun.
Maybe you’ve had a similar experience where you just lost it with your partner for something they did or didn’t do. Maybe you’re still really angry and saying all the bad words in your head about your partner. Can you look at the anger you felt at the time or are feeling now and can you figure out what’s beneath the anger? Can you take some responsibility for your actions?
It’s not easy to calm yourself when you’re raging and feeling everything. Telling yourself to breathe in those moments or questioning yourself about your anger in those moments is hard! But with practice you can get there.
Remember that any reaction you have with your loved one in an argument is going to take a toll on your body. Give yourself rest, quiet time, run a relaxing bath, go to bed or take a nap. Allow your body and your mind to process what has happened and recover. Let’s be part of the 59% of first marriages that LAST!
If you enjoyed today’s episode, join the conversation over on my fb group Insane Calm Posse. And if you want to work with me 1 on 1, go to my contact page on my website or send me a DM on fb or instagram.
Talk to you soon, take good care!
Yvonne
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