Ep 20: Too Insecure To Date? The Truth About Body Image & Attraction

Welcome to Dating Greatly.

On today’s episode I chat with the beautiful Emily LaVoie

My guest, eating psychology coach Emily La Voie, confronts this very challenge, sharing her experience of disordered eating and the heartwarming way her husband became the anchor in her journey to self-acceptance.

Emily opens up about her challenging relationship with food from an early age and discusses how societal beauty standards, media, capitalism and our family or origin can contribute (sometimes unconsciously) to a skewed image of ourselves.

If your weight has ever kept you from dating or fully opening up in relationship, this episode is a must-listen!

Enjoy today’s episode!

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Yvonne [00:01:12]:

Well, thank you, Emily, for being here with me today. I am super excited to have you as my guest.

Emily [00:01:18]:

My pleasure. Thanks for inviting me.

Yvonne [00:01:23]:

So I want to jump right in and the women that listen to this podcast that are just getting ready to get back into dating or that maybe are in relationships, body image can play such a huge role in holding us back, whether in relationship from truly unfolding. And then also when we're thinking about dating and meeting someone, our body image can really hold us back from fully experiencing life. So I just wanted to ask you, when you met your now husband, where were you at with your body image? It.

Emily [00:02:05]:

I was struggling greatly with my body image as well as struggling greatly with my relationship with food. Both were incredibly negative. The internal dialogue was probably something along the lines of, you're not good enough, you're not thin enough, you're not pretty enough, you don't make enough money. Yeah, I could go on and on, but kind of all circulating in, if I work out harder or eat less or eat more perfectly, then my body will change, my appearance will be different, and I'll be more attractive and desirable, and then I'll be deserving of this person or somebody to find me attractive.

Yvonne [00:03:09]:

Oh, man. It's hard hearing that I've been there and I'm there every day in some way, not the same as maybe I used to be, but there's so many women that carry these same feelings. The core is like, you don't feel good enough, but you look in the mirror and you're like, I don't like what I see, and no one else is going to like it. So in terms of starting to date or meet someone, you're already kind of shutting the door to that as you're looking in the mirror.

Emily [00:03:46]:

Yeah. The thing about poor body image is it's not the person's fault that they have a poor body image. And I would kind of venture to say nearly every human on the face of the planet, almost everyone wishes their body was smaller. So it's something that our society or our culture instills on us or brainwashes us to believe. So I just want you and the listeners and everybody to know that if you have a body, you have struggled with poor body image at one point or another. It's actually really good for capitalism or the economy for people to not like their appearance. Our economy actually creates things that make us feel like we're undesirable or have a quote unquote, problem, and they have created this item that can, quote unquote, fix this make believe problem. And so if we find ourself acceptable, we'll stop spending money on all of these things to improve ourself.

Emily [00:05:07]:

And if you just take a moment to think about all of the different. What is the word that I want to use? Industries that would go bankrupt if people accepted themselves and stopped spending dollars to try to improve themselves in some type of way?

Yvonne [00:05:26]:

Yes, it's definitely a machine, and it just keeps feeding the beast.

Emily [00:05:33]:

That's a perfect way to put it.

Yvonne [00:05:36]:

So I'm wondering, when you met your now husband, when you guys started dating, what were some of the things that maybe how you were holding yourself back, or what were some of the things that were coming up for you as you guys started to get to know each other?

Emily [00:05:52]:

I definitely struggled with relaxing and letting him see the real, authentic version of me. I think I was trying to make myself what I thought he would be attracted to. So in that process, I kind of lost myself, which I look back on and think like, wow, that's so sad. And then as I was doing this work on body image, kind of had to refind myself and my most authentic self. And lucky for me, he still loved me even as I got back to who I was all of the time, instead of being my fake self.

Yvonne [00:06:44]:

Yeah. Looking back on your life, what was your relationship with food? What was your relationship with your body.

Emily [00:06:51]:

And how did that evolve into my relationship with food? Growing up was pretty distraught. Everybody who struggles with food or body image, there's never just one thing that causes those challenges. It's always a bunch of different layers and kind of the perfect storm that causes those challenges. But I was an athlete growing up. I was a gymnast. And we know that athletes, regardless of sport, some sports are definitely worse than others, can cause food and body related challenges. The family that I came from, I'll first say that I had the best parents that anybody could ever ask for, and there's no such thing as the perfect parent. So I think they did obviously as good as they could.

Emily [00:07:44]:

But my mom, this was in the. There was definite messages from our culture about food and dietary fat in food, and she avoided it. And I'm very lucky that I didn't have parents that projected their food rules onto me at all. I just adopted theirs as my own. There was also a lot of body comments made from the people around me, whether it was my family or my fellow gymnastics athletes in the media, there was really only one body being portrayed at the time. I especially think magazines were so harmful at that time, but they really portrayed only thin, incredibly thin, white, able bodied women. And that's all we saw. So I feel like at that time, everybody kind of had a distorted perception of what real bodies look like in the world.

Yvonne [00:08:57]:

Totally. Yeah. Thinking back on that time, I remember that. And there was definitely lots of comments made as well about, in my family, like, certain foods being disgusting, and if I was eating them, they would be called disgusting. I wasn't being called disgusting, but the foods I was eating were. So I got those messages. And then hanging out with your girlfriend and you're all talking about the same thing and usually picking your own. You're not picking apart the bodies of your friends, you're encouraging them.

Yvonne [00:09:28]:

But every person is, like, picking apart their own body and like, oh, I wish this was different. I wish I looked different here. Didn't set us up for success.

Emily [00:09:39]:

Yeah, for sure. Some of the bodies, like, in the media that I really remember being, kind of the bodies that people worshiped at the time were Kate Moss, Pamela Anderson, the Victoria's Secret models. And there's a lot of research that shows that children as young as the age of three start really having ideas about what types of bodies are quote unquote good and quote unquote bad, or the type of body that is more acceptable and similar to what you said. If a child sees a parent, a mom, walk in front of the mirror and suck their stomach in, that sends a very clear message. If a parent is eating differently than the rest of the family because they're intentionally pursuing weight loss, that says something about, okay, when you are the age of your parent, you should also be eating this different way and having foods that you don't allow yourself to eat in order to control your body's size, shape, or weight. One of the things that I specifically remember as a gymnast, and I don't exactly remember how this happened, but I think there were maybe some college students, I'm guessing they were like, anatomy majors or exercise science and fitness majors, but they needed practice. Measuring people's body fat with those calipers that you kind of pinch, I think you pinch somewhere around your waist and somewhere on your thigh and maybe on the back of your tricep. And I think they needed to practice.

Emily [00:11:20]:

So I think they somehow knew our gymnastics coaches and asked, like, hey, can we come in and practice on your team? And our coaches were like, yes. And so they did this. It was in front of everybody. It's a lot like when kids get weighed at schools in front of everybody. It can be so harmful to body image or relationship with food. But I remember, and I have so much thin privilege. I'm a naturally thin person, which just means me navigating this world and going through life. I am allowed some privileges in comparison to people who live in larger bodies.

Emily [00:11:59]:

And it doesn't make me better. It doesn't make them worse. It is what it is, and we need to do a lot of work to change our society and our culture away from this. But that's the way that it is currently. So I remember everybody was getting their body fat numbers tested, and mine was the lowest, but I remember becoming obsessed with making it zero. And my child brain at the time didn't realize that, like, oh, that would mean death. You would die far before it got to zero and experience extremely horrible mental health challenges and physical health challenges and heart problems and organ failure. But I can't even imagine the person who was the highest, the pain that they were going through, just that relationship that I had with the number on the scale.

Emily [00:12:53]:

And I see so many of my clients have with the number on the scale. A lot of the work I do with my own clients is kind of teaching them how to navigate whether or not it's a good idea for them to step on the scale and know their exact weight. Like, if it will have some type of emotional impact to them or if that number will make them feel like I shouldn't eat today or I should skip a meal, or I should punish myself with this workout. And we also navigate conversations about getting weight at doctors appointments and whether that's a good idea for them. And maybe some should avoid it. And there's almost no reason your doctor needs to know your exact weight.

Yvonne [00:13:35]:

Thinking about my own relationship with the scale, and I've opted to not have one in my house for those reasons. Yeah. Because every time I do, depending on where I'm at in general with my mood and my confidence, but usually it will kind of pull me in to some kind of obsession, control about something. And, yeah, I really don't want that. So I've just chosen not to have a scale in my house.

Emily [00:14:05]:

Congratulations.

Yvonne [00:14:06]:

Yeah, thanks.

Emily [00:14:07]:

That's amazing. Yeah, I recommend that for a lot of people because we're so used to thinking that our weight is our health, and health really doesn't have much to do with weight at all, contrary to popular diet culture beliefs.

Yvonne [00:14:27]:

Yeah. So how did that all evolve for you as you kind of went into adulthood and maybe into relationships? And how did your kind of obsession with your weight, how did that evolve and affect your relationship?

Emily [00:14:42]:

Where do I begin? I think that I'll say because I had poor body image and maybe so poor, it would probably have been considered body dysmorphic disorder, which is like a psychological diagnosis, if I would have talked about this to some type of provider. But I never talked about it to providers. I was never screened for that or any type of disordered eating behaviors. Oftentimes I was actually praised for my weight and praised for my quote, unquote, willpower with food and our society. It really encourages disordered thoughts and disordered behaviors around food and what bodies should look like. My poor body image caused me to have marginal self esteem. And I'll explain what self esteem is and then incredibly poor self worth. And I'll explain what self worth is because a lot of times those terms are used interchangeably, even though they mean pretty different things.

Emily [00:15:50]:

Self esteem is based on feedback that you receive from other people about whether you are acceptable. So getting compliments self worth is the internal knowing that you are good enough and worthy, regardless of your race, regardless of your appearance, regardless of your body size, regardless of your ability, regardless of everybody. Self worth is saying that everybody deserves kindness and success and love and all of the good things. So my self worth was really low, and my self esteem was kind of like I constantly needed to get feedback from other people. I constantly was almost searching and seeking out compliments so that my self esteem could stay high. And if the comments and compliments stopped, then my self esteem would kind of start going down. So I think that that led for me to some. I put myself in maybe some bad situations, especially in college where I was maybe drinking too much and kind of like, I want people to think I'm acceptable, I want people to think I'm sexy.

Emily [00:17:06]:

So engaging in some unhealthy behaviors in order to seek out people's acceptance.

Yvonne [00:17:15]:

Were you seeking them out more from men or women or. It didn't matter.

Emily [00:17:19]:

It probably really didn't matter, but I probably valued men's opinion a little bit more highly and wanted to feel attractive to men in order to know that I was good enough. And then I think the way that it evolved even more so is that this poor body image that I had and disordered eating that I struggled with, it really actually drew me to the fitness industry because I think I had this thought that if I know how to exercise perfectly, then I'll exercise perfectly, and therefore I'll have the quote unquote perfect body. And so I really almost let these disordered thoughts and behaviors guide me into a career that lasted for like, ten years. And sometimes they think, I do not regret that. But what would my life have been like if I wouldn't have struggled with these thoughts and behaviors? Yes, I thought I needed more nutritional knowledge, and so I almost had no hobies at the time. I think my hobby was just researching nutrition and researching weight loss and the perfect way to eat and the perfect way to exercise. I almost felt like there was this missing puzzle piece, and if I could just search hard enough, I could locate this missing puzzle piece and then everything would fall into place. And at some point, I knew I was struggling with my relationship with food.

Emily [00:18:52]:

And then I saw so many of my personal training clients and nutrition clients also struggling with food and body, and it kind of was like, oh, more nutrition knowledge is actually going to make things worse. More food rules is going to make things worse because people already have this set of food rules that they're not able to put into practice, and then they feel like a failure and they feel like something's wrong with them when they, quote unquote break their rules that they're supposed to be following. And eventually, if somebody gathers so much nutrition knowledge, you're going to start getting opposing knowledge. Like an example would be, eggs are good. Something else says like, eggs are bad. And you could go on and on like, almost every single food item on the planet is quote unquote good in one article and then labeled as quote unquote bad by some other nutritional set of rules.

Yvonne [00:19:48]:

And just as you're talking, it's like, oh, my God, that's so exhausting. And I've been there at different phases of my life, being really into nutrition, doing my research, and, okay, and I'm going to cut carbs. Okay, now I'm going to cut this. Okay, now I'm going to eat more of this, eat less of this, do these kind of exercises. But it just gets like, just get like, oh, my God, it's so overwhelming and not flowy at all. Just so rigorous. Right. In that control aspect that works itself into relationships as well.

Yvonne [00:20:20]:

Or as we're out meeting people, from restricting where you can go to eat something to what you choose to eat to then maybe cooking together the challenges that that brings. Yeah. How was that for you?

Emily [00:20:33]:

Well, a lot of my clients kind of like, maybe they're aware that they don't have a good relationship with food, or maybe it's sort of like this subconscious thing that they're not aware of and they're turning to diets, and maybe it's lots and lots of different diets, and diets will never fix a person's relationship with food. It will actually make their relationship with food worse. So when I work with clients, we focus on actually letting go of the food rules in order to heal their relationship with food. So much of my mental space or thought capacity, my mental energy was consumed. I would say 90% to 95% of my total thoughts were about food and eating, what to eat in the future in order to be, quote unquote perfect or feeling like I needed to quote unquote fix something that I had previously eaten and how to exercise perfectly and my appearance so I don't feel like I could be super present in my relationships with a partner or my friendships or even in my work, I just couldn't show up whole. And then being able to be spontaneous with food and like, hey, want to go grab a shake? I didn't plan for this. Or having to look at the menu and know what restaurant we're going to go to so I can. These are all incredibly disordered behaviors around food where when people are tracking and counting calories or macros or carbohydrates or avoiding certain foods if they have no medical reason to avoid it.

Emily [00:22:24]:

So, like, if you're avoiding gluten and you're not a celiac, that's disordered. And that doesn't mean you have an eating disorder, but it's a disordered behavior. And so avoiding dairy or avoiding carbohydrates altogether. And that was something at the time when I was really struggling, I engaged in all of those disordered behaviors.

Yvonne [00:22:49]:

And as you're saying that I'm kind of, like, shocked in a way, like, oh, that is a disordered behavior. If I look at the people, especially women. Especially women. I have a lot of male friends and men that I know as well, but they don't have these things in place. But the women do. And. Yeah, lots of avoiding carbs, avoiding gluten eating, or avoiding refined sugar. And that's interesting that you say if there's not a health reason.

Yvonne [00:23:23]:

Is that what you're saying is it is disordered? It doesn't mean you have a disorder, but it's disordered.

Emily [00:23:30]:

Yeah. Our society really eye roll encourages so many disordered behaviors in the name of quote unquote health. And this is where I feel like so much of the quote unquote health and quote unquote wellness industry is actually toxic and just trying to take people's money.

Yvonne [00:23:56]:

Yeah, definitely.

Emily [00:23:59]:

Sorry. It's not leading to their health. It's actually leading to their illness. Our pursuit of health is causing stress or anxiety or worry or shame or guilt. It's not making us healthier.

Yvonne [00:24:15]:

No. And then you wonder what came first, like the chicken or the egg. Was it the gluten intolerance or gluten? Or is it the anxiety and the worry and the stress around that? It's interesting subject, but I want to get back for a moment to when you met your husband and, yeah, I'd like to know how you met your husband and how and when you knew that. This is the one. This is the guy.

Emily [00:24:46]:

For me, this is actually kind of a funny story. So I was parked in a parking lot. I was not in my car at the time, but my car got hit, and it was damaged pretty severely. And it was a hit and run. And I knew I would need a police report to give to the insurance company to have the repairs done. So I called the police department and I said my car was hit in a parking lot, a hit and run. And they're like, oh, just come over to the police department when you have time. There's no rush, but we'll have a police report for you that you can pick up.

Emily [00:25:22]:

And so I walked into the police department and said, I just called in and my car was hit, and I need a police report for my insurance company. And so my now husband was the officer that did all the questions and filled out the police report. And it's funny because I had previously lived on the west coast and moved back here, and my dad kept kind of hounding me, like, you need to get the right driver's license, and you need to get the right license plate. Like, this is illegal. You need to get this addressed. And so when my husband was questioning me, he was like, oh, are you not a resident of Illinois? And I'm like, oh, my gosh, he's going to arrest me. My dad was right. And really he was just trying to make, um.

Emily [00:26:12]:

So I was just kind of with my head down, answering like, yes, no. And then apparently one of his coworkers later was like, oh, how did that go? And he was like, horrible because they wouldn't talk to him or engage in conversation. And at the time, I actually had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend, but we just sort of started bumping into each other often, and there was obviously just this chemistry between us, and almost like, I can only explain it like a magnetism. Like, I was drawn to him. And then it was probably a year or even two years later that we both then ended up single and not in those other relationships and started dating. And I think I really knew he was my person because he grounded me. And he is just amazing in so many ways. He's very supportive, and he kind of rolls with all of my crazy ideas and just offers me unconditional love.

Emily [00:27:25]:

And it was never about appearance. Nothing was ever appearance based for him, which I think at the time was really what I needed because I did feel really uncomfortable if we were being intimate, like having him touch certain parts of my body or certain positions or if the lights were on or off and things like that.

Yvonne [00:27:50]:

Yeah, that's a beautiful story of how you met. So neat. And I hear you about the magnetism and that you just kind of knew. Yeah, it's beautiful. And then also, even when you know, and when you move forward together, all the challenges that come up, and especially the more you care about a person, the more our fears get magnetized and negative body image as well. And, yeah, I can really relate to that. I've always had an issue with my breast, and just imagine being intimate, how you're restricting yourself with that. I remember either I always kept a top on, or I would always religiously have my hands, my arms in front of my breasts and cover them.

Yvonne [00:28:41]:

And that constriction, and you can't be free like that. And I've really evolved in that way. And nowadays, today I feel comfortable, and I'm not 100% that it's like how I feel about my right hand, that I feel about my breast. No, but it's definitely a lot better. And I'm way more comfortable. And I find the role of a partner talking as a straight woman. The role of a man, to be that groundedness, to be that security, to be that safe space and that reassuring presence is so important. So I wonder how your husband, like you're talking about how grounding he was, and he never cared about body image, but how his being helped your healing.

Emily [00:29:36]:

I'm not really sure if he even knew I was struggling with food and body image stuff. Like most people who struggle with this, I did a pretty good job of hiding it and keeping it private. But he just never made comments about bodies. If he said something about my appearance, it wasn't typically about my body. It might have been about my outfit or my hair or just that I looked nice. But he never was really criticizing other people's bodies or his own. He was just very neutral about body size and shape. He worked out, and I think he wasn't working out to change his appearance.

Emily [00:30:29]:

He was working out because it makes him, being a police officer, safer at work and better able to do his job. And so he was really working out to be strong and have good endurance instead of working out to burn calories or to look a certain way or build a more muscular body type just to be looked at. And ironically enough, it kind of came to the point where in our relationship, we'd been dating for quite a while, we were getting along great. I really was feeling like he was my person. And it was kind of the time while we decided that we were going to move in together. And I owned a home and he owned a home, and we were going to move him into my home and he was going to sell his house, it just made more sense because my place was a little bit bigger and I had some unfurnished areas of my house. And then he could keep all of his stuff, basically. And when I knew he was going to move in, but kind of the week before I almost broke up with him, I was freaking out because he was going to move in and his cereal was going to come and his pasta was going to come and his bread, and we were going to be probably drinking more alcohol and just being more relaxed around food.

Emily [00:31:51]:

And that just sort of set me into this panic spiral where I was saying to myself, like, I have to break up with him. I have to be in control of the foods that come into my house. And if I tell him he can't bring these things, he's going to think I'm crazy and he's going to want to break up with me anyway. And I'm like, Emily, will you just listen to, like, you're willing to end this perfectly great relationship, maybe the best relationship you've ever had in your life, just because of food. And lucky for me, I was already doing this work on body image and food freedom. So it kind of all happened at the right time where I know, no, just let him move in, keep doing this work on food and body stuff. He didn't necessarily help improve my body image. He was just neutral and accepted me and the work that I was doing outside of him to improve body image and relax around food is really where I found the benefits from.

Yvonne [00:33:02]:

Where are you at today? And in the days after you first moved in together, when you were looking at that cereal box and the pasta, how did that evolve?

Emily [00:33:13]:

I think that I was really concerned that eating these things was going to change my appearance and change my weight, and I was going to have to buy a whole new wardrobe and none of my clothes were going to fit anymore. But at the same time, I also knew that in order to overcome this stuff, I was going to have to start inviting some of my fear foods back into my life. So it's almost like the universe gave me that challenge when I was ready for it. And it's just so interesting how life unfolds. So I think that I was doing the work, and because he had moved in with me, the work progressed along a little bit faster than it would have. If I was just trying to work through it on my own, I would have had more fear and been more hesitant.

Yvonne [00:34:15]:

And, yeah, where are you at today? How are you doing?

Emily [00:34:20]:

I would say my body image has improved greatly. It's pretty positive, which does not mean I'm obsessed with my appearance, and I love looking in the mirror, and I'm taking selfies all of the time and posting them. It just means when I see my reflection in the mirror, I'm like, okay, that's my reflection, and what else do I have going on today? So I'm not dwelling on my appearance and having a positive body image again. It doesn't mean, like, you love the way you look or you even like your appearance. It just means that you treat your body with respect and kindness.

Yvonne [00:34:59]:

Yes. So important.

Emily [00:35:01]:

Yeah. So I think I'm doing pretty good at that. I'll also add that body image work is lifelong work. So I still occasionally have a negative body image day, but now I have the tools to kind of support myself through that. Like I might say, oh, it's before my period. I'm really feeling like my clothes are fitting a little bit tighter. I'm just not comfortable. And my skin, I don't feel like my body is my home today.

Emily [00:35:28]:

And I will maybe not engage in body checking behaviors which can be disordered. So, like, overanalyzing every square inch of my body in a full length mirror, that tends to be really unhelpful. And maybe I'll kind of stay away from media, but I have worked really hard to curate social media that shows a diverse range of bodies. And so I unfollowed a lot of accounts that were teaching and saying something else about bodies. And I'll always make sure to wear comfortable clothes, so maybe avoiding jeans and wearing sweatpants or yoga pants, elastic waist stuff. Yeah. And just supporting myself in a kind way and having my internal dialogue be kind and compassionate.

Yvonne [00:36:21]:

Yeah. And it really sounds like you are and respecting your body, being kind to it. And what does my body need right now? It needs comfy pants. What does my mind need right now? Well, not to look at social media or these images that will trigger me. So I love that.

Emily [00:36:39]:

Yeah. I think previously, when I had disordered thoughts, it always immediately turned into disordered behaviors. And now I'm able to analyze the thoughts, oh, I'm unhappy with my tummy today. And I can kind of say, anne, that's okay. I don't have to start engaging in these disordered behaviors. I don't have to change the way that I eat. Regardless of what I ate yesterday, I still deserve three meals and several snacks today. I don't have to beat myself up with fitness.

Emily [00:37:18]:

So just kind of knowing that I'm worthy regardless of my appearance.

Yvonne [00:37:22]:

Yeah, knowing that you're worthy. Yes, I love that. And so for women that are.

Emily [00:37:33]:

Maybe.

Yvonne [00:37:33]:

Keeping themselves from meeting someone, starting to date, or even getting into a serious relationship because of their body image, what comes to your mind for advice or something like that, what can they do to start to heal that?

Emily [00:37:54]:

I guess the biggest takeaway that I hope everybody hears today is that you do not have to be a certain size to be worthy of love. And there's some interesting research, scientific research, which kind of studies this, and I took a couple of notes on it just to make sure that I quoted it right. But the research on, are men attracted to plus sized women? And the answer is yes, absolutely yes. Some of the interesting statistics from this research, which was conducted by a guy named David Frederick in 2016. He's a social psychology professor at Chapman University. One of the most interesting statistics, in my opinion, is that BMI, or body mass index, which I absolutely hate and think is a dumpster fire and should be canceled. But it says that BMI does not correlate with marriage rates. So people of all body sizes, shapes, and weights get married at the same rate.

Emily [00:39:13]:

So people that are plus size or people living in larger bodies get married at the same rate as people in smaller, thinner bodies. You're not more likely to get married if you're thin. There is a misconception that thin people are more likely to meet the person that they're supposed to be with. And the evidence, it does kind of show that thinner women, I should say that this research is being conducted on heterosexual relationships between a man and a woman. So the evidence is that thinner women do indeed typically have more sexual partners.

Yvonne [00:39:58]:

Okay.

Emily [00:39:59]:

And if your goal is to have as many sexual partners as possible and you're a woman, that's awesome. Good for you. No judgment. But I don't think that that's the majority of women's goal. I think the majority of women want to meet their person and fall in love and get married. And that's happening for people of all body sizes at the same rate across the board.

Yvonne [00:40:24]:

I love that. Yeah. Those are some really reassuring stats.

Emily [00:40:29]:

Yeah. So this research found that if you're interested in some of the numbers, actually, 20% of men prefer dating plus size women. So one in five women would rather date a person and a woman in a larger body. And then if you're thinking of a bell shaped curve, so that middle area, which is 60%, and then we've got 20 and 20. So 60% of men wouldn't rule out dating a woman in a larger body. They're kind of more like, I don't really care about size that much. It's not a deciding factor. So three in five men feel like that, and then the other 20% on the opposite side of the bell shaped curve would not consider dating a woman in a larger body.

Emily [00:41:23]:

But that's only 20%. That's only one in five men that are assholes.

Yvonne [00:41:28]:

I don't know. Exactly. We don't want those anyway. That's good. Let them be over there.

Emily [00:41:34]:

So really, there's 80% of men, 20 plus 60, that are super open to potentially dating a woman in a larger body.

Yvonne [00:41:44]:

Yeah.

Emily [00:41:45]:

And I think that's much better than what women conceptualize or the thoughts that women struggle with that I need to lose weight before I start dating. I need to be this certain size or shape before a man will find me attractive.

Yvonne [00:42:01]:

Yeah. And it's interesting, too, as you're mentioning, those numbers reflecting on the women in my life to have been almost all of them that have some kind of a weight issue, body issue. None of them are plus size. None of them are. So it's like we have these. I don't know if it's body dysmorphia in that extreme, but we have a completely distorted image of ourselves. And, you know, you can have a group of girls girlfriends that look relatively similar, and I'm sure there'll be multiple that have body issues. They will pick themselves apart and think they're probably much larger and ugly and all this stuff, but they have nothing but compliments and reassurance for their friends.

Yvonne [00:42:59]:

But just such negative self talk. And I think we're always going to come back to that self worth. To how do women build up their self worth that they can just start seeing themselves like they see their friends, like their girlfriends and the beautiful women in their life that they would never say anything about because they're just beautiful women inside and out.

Emily [00:43:19]:

So there is a term, and ironically enough, I just added it to my website's glossary. The term is self objectification. And I think if I share the definition with you, it might be interesting and some of your viewers might or some of your listeners might appreciate this knowledge. So do you mind if I read this?

Yvonne [00:43:46]:

Yes, please, to you.

Emily [00:43:47]:

Okay.

Yvonne [00:43:48]:

Take your time.

Emily [00:43:49]:

Smaller self objectification is a psychological process that occurs when people learn to view their own bodies from an outsider's perspective. It's common for someone struggling with self objectification to view themselves as an object first and a human being second. As a result, the person typically views themselves as different body parts in need of fixing. So an example would be like, my stomach, my thighs, my arms, versus viewing themselves as a whole and complete person. And then two, they're hypercritical about their body and their body parts. Self objectification can create issues for a person's mental and emotional well being. Some examples include constantly being obsessed with what others think of them, even when the others are not necessarily around, and also engaging in unhealthy or disordered body checking behaviors, as well as worrying so much about their appearance that it negatively disrupts their daily life. So engaging in these self objectifying behaviors contributes to poor body image, body dysmorphic disorder, and disordered eating, as well as developing a full blown deadly eating disorder.

Yvonne [00:45:22]:

What a task. And what a feat it is to really love ourselves unconditionally, love our bodies unconditionally, with everything that's out there, and also with our ancestry, everything that's been handed down to us, and not just our mothers, our grandmothers, our great grandmothers. So if we can get to a point where we can even tolerate our bodies or be like, okay, I don't like this, but it's okay, that's huge. With everything that's placed in front of us every day by society, by the dialogue and the narrative we hear around us, and then our ancestral lines, that's huge.

Emily [00:46:06]:

Yeah. In some ways, I do see things improving. In some ways, things are moving in the right direction. So it's really helpful that we see different ethnicities of people in the media. We are starting to see different body types and sizes portrayed in the media. We're seeing a lot more plus size models. They think it's really cool to go to a store and see a plus size mannequin. And also we see models that have disabilities and are using devices to assist them.

Emily [00:46:39]:

And we're seeing models with vitiligo. So we're seeing people who actually look like us. This is so incredibly helpful for body image. And then the opposite side is, in some ways, things are getting better, but in some ways, things are getting so much worse, too, because of the filters. And there's not just face tuned filters. There's filters that are making people's waist smaller and making people's arms thinner, eye roll and booties bigger and breasts more voluptuous. And we're just getting so used to seeing nothing but filtered pictures of bigger eyes, wider teeth, thicker hair, that we almost were comparing ourselves to something that's not even real. We almost feel pressured to using some sort of filter because everybody else is using them.

Emily [00:47:31]:

So if we're not using them, we're not even on an even playing field. Like, if we're not using them, then your photos are essentially looking worse than everybody else's photos. And if you're on social media for business related purposes, then, because it's so visually based, then you're not even going to come up as high in the algorithm. So, yeah, it's super complicated and, like, an internal battle and internal struggle for everybody.

Yvonne [00:48:06]:

Yeah, definitely. We can just do our best with showing up, authentically, sharing our story. I think it's super important that you came on here today and shared your own struggles and shared your story, and you're working with women that are experiencing the same kind of struggles. So I think that's huge. And surrounding ourselves with women who do feel positive about their bodies or who are a little more courageous than we are. I do love that, and I feel like we're going in the right direction. So do you have any kind of first step or something that women can do if they're at the place? Like, oh, I don't think anyone's going to find me attractive. I don't want to go out to date.

Yvonne [00:48:56]:

Is there anything that you can think of as like a practical exercise or some kind of thing that they could start?

Emily [00:49:04]:

Yeah, so many different things that they can do. So one would be follow me on social media, head over to my website, whether you hire me or a different coach to maybe help you with food, if you're struggling with food or body image challenges, there's also so many amazing books out there on improving body image. There's so many amazing podcasts on food and body image.

Yvonne [00:49:33]:

Do you have a couple that you like? A personal favorite?

Emily [00:49:37]:

Yeah. So a book that I love is called more than a body. It's by Lexi and Lindsay Kite, their twin sisters, and they have their phd in body image. And there's another one called women don't owe you pretty. And the author of that book is actually right behind me. Let me Florence, given that book, that's another really good one as far as podcasts go, summer in and in has an amazing podcast. And there's another really good podcast on body image by Brie Campos. Our podcast is called Body Grievers club.

Emily [00:50:24]:

Like playing on grieving the thin ideal.

Yvonne [00:50:28]:

Wow. Okay. Yes, I will be sure to list those in the show notes, the books, and the podcasts. And yeah, how can people get in touch with you?

Emily [00:50:39]:

So my website is my first and last name. So Emily.com. And I'm mostly active on Instagram, which is Emily lavoyatingpsychology.

Yvonne [00:50:54]:

Okay.

Emily [00:50:55]:

I offer free Zoom consultations to everybody. So if you want to talk more, you can head over to my website or Instagram and easily figure out how to schedule a free Zoom consultation to meet and discuss how I could potentially help you with these challenges.

Yvonne [00:51:14]:

Awesome. Thank you. And again, I'll link those below. Is there anything that I haven't mentioned that you're dying to share or that you really just. Yeah, that's coming up for you.

Emily [00:51:27]:

So I truly believe in body diversity. So as much as we know that skin comes in a large variety of colors, and people come in a large variety of heights and hands, our different feet, our different teeth, our different belly buttons are different. This is all beautiful parts of body diversity. I also believe that bodies are supposed to, they are meant to come in a large variety of weight sizes and shapes. And this is just another incredibly beautiful part of the diversity of our species. I think all bodies are good bodies.

Yvonne [00:52:07]:

Very nice. I like that. It's a great way to finish. Yeah. Today's episode. I do have one more question, though. What song are you dancing to nowadays?

Emily [00:52:18]:

I love reggae music. I love anything with the steel drums. I'm actually trying to figure out a way to learn how to play them, which is kind of challenging, but I guess I would just say anything reggae, anything with the steel drums. Anything by Bob Marley. Just fun to move your body to.

Yvonne [00:52:37]:

Awesome. Okay, I'll be adding that to the Spotify playlist. We're dating greatly. Perfect. Well, Emily, thank you so much for coming on today, for sharing your story, your journey with the relationship that you have with food, the story of your husband, and how you now work with women to help them heal their relationship with food and their negative body image. Thank you so much.

Emily [00:53:02]:

Thank you. Honestly, the pleasure is all mine. Keep doing what you do. Keep fighting the good fight.

Yvonne [00:53:10]:

Thank you. That's sweet.