Ep 19: 3 Easy Steps To Attracting The Right Person (While Having Fun!)
Welcome to Dating Greatly.
On this first episode of 2024, my guest Rebekah Beneteau makes us think about the historic evolution of marriage and explores what role it still plays in our dating lives.
For those re-entering the dating scene after marriage or motherhood, Rebekah offers pearls of wisdom on rekindling the inner feminine and taking down our self-imposed walls. While having FUN!
She also shares easy practices for listeners, including a glorious guided meditation to help you attract your ideal person!
Get ready to feel oooohmmmmcredible!
READ ALONG
Yvonne [00:00:00]:
Well, thank you so much, Rebecca, for joining me here today. I so appreciate having you on the show. Thank you.
Rebekah [00:00:08]:
Oh, my pleasure, Yvonne. Great to be here.
Yvonne [00:00:11]:
Awesome. So before we dive into the juicy topic of dating and dating after marriage and divorce, I just want to ask you. You're coming to us live from Mexico, and you mentioned growing up in New York City. And I just want to know how the heck you went from NYC to Mexico.
Rebekah [00:00:39]:
That's an awesome question. And the short answer is, I followed spirit. The longer answer is, I lived in New York City until 2007, and then I started creeping south to get away from cold weather. So I ended up in Philadelphia for seven years, Asheville, North Carolina, in the mountains for seven years. And then most recently, Tampa, Florida, for three years. And I came to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, for a training. One of the things that I do is access consciousness.
Rebekah [00:01:16]:
Various. I'm a facilitator of their work. And I came here for a training, and I just kind of fell in love with the city and realized I could have a great quality of life. Beach and mountains. And a couple of months after that training, I went back to America for a couple of months and then came back here and have been here ever since a little over two years.
Yvonne [00:01:40]:
Wow. Yeah. That's a big move and a big change.
Rebekah [00:01:45]:
I am a very different person. I mean, we all are, right? We're always growing, evolving, changing. But I think the move to Mexico was the biggest one that surprised most people who knew me. I don't know the language. I didn't know anybody here. It was due to the work I've been doing on myself to kind of let go of the limiting beliefs I had about myself and what I was capable of, my definitions of who I needed to be to make other people happy, to be a right woman. All of that stuff had kind of dictated my life before. And at this stage of my life, my children are young adults.
Rebekah [00:02:28]:
I didn't have a pet. I didn't have a partner. It really became like, who would I be? Who could I be without other people's expectations and definitions? Oh, my gosh, I'm a gypsy. I love the excitement of going somewhere new. I'm loving learning Spanish and Latin, dancing and a new culture and just finding my way.
Yvonne [00:02:49]:
I love that. I love that. And I can't help but think it's significant. You mentioned the first time when you left New York City, you went south and you stayed at, I don't recall the first place for seven years, and then another place for seven years. And don't they say that every seven years you go through some kind of a change or a transformation?
Rebekah [00:03:15]:
Yeah, they say the seven year itch in relationship. In seven years, supposedly all of the cells of your body have replaced themselves with new cells. The only reason we look the same or age is because that's what we expect. So I used to say that, yeah, I had, like, a seven year expiration date, but then three years in my last place, so who knows what's happening? Yeah, things are speeding up.
Yvonne [00:03:55]:
And you mentioned the call of spirit, like you followed spirit. Do you remember the first time spirit kind of talked to you or what happened there?
Rebekah [00:04:09]:
I was kind of young. I had an awareness when I was younger, like, I knew who was on the phone before the phone rang. My dad took me to the track one time, and I really remember this. I just looked at the horses and I knew which one was going to win. And a couple of times he believed me and he bet on them, and they did win. And then he was just kind of poo pooing it. And then it went away, I guess, for a while. And then I remember being maybe junior high school, reading a book called illusions by Richard Bach.
Rebekah [00:04:44]:
He's the same guy that wrote Jonathan Livingston Siegel. And in that book, he really talks about there being kind of a world beyond the world we see and our ability to do things energetically. And one of the characters puts their hand through a wall. And I'm embarrassed to admit I spent a lot of time trying to put my hand through a wall. Yeah. And then college, like being mystical and reading tower cards and things like that. I was in my 30s when I started to have dreams about people that I knew. And sometimes when I looked at them, I could tell whether they were healthy or sick.
Rebekah [00:05:33]:
And I went to a four year school called the Barbara Brennan School for healing. And that really gave me a trust in the voices of spirit. Would you like to hear a really mystical story of listening to spirit? I went to the Barbara Brennan school. They had a weekend that was a prerequisite to getting into the school. And I did that with the last money that we had, our wedding gifts, actually. And I got that I really needed to be there because I'd had this just really transformational experience. I was seeing angels. I was watching what my hands did and what the energy did in their body.
Rebekah [00:06:09]:
And I was meditating. And an angel came to me and took me up to the top of a mountain, and we were looking down on a city of gold. And it said, everything your heart desires is there. And I said, well, how am I going to manifest that money for this? Because the program was five grand a year plus a hotel for a week five times a year. And it said, ask for a patron. And I said, okay. Anything else? And it said, yeah, wear a sweater. Sometimes it gets cold.
Rebekah [00:06:40]:
Obviously, my angels have a sense of humor, and they were right, because the hotel conference rooms were often really cold. But anyway, I went home and of course, the first thing I'm thinking is, I'll do anything. I'm trying to sell anything I can. I even looked into selling my eggs to a reproductive clinic. And my roommate. I got enough together. I went to my roommate the first week, I told her what had happened, and she came back to me and she said, I know someone that needs to make amends for something in their past, and they can't make it directly. And they heard about you and your angels and they'd like to pay your tuition.
Yvonne [00:07:21]:
Wow.
Rebekah [00:07:22]:
And that person completely anonymously paid for three of my years of school.
Yvonne [00:07:29]:
Wow. So you never knew who that person was?
Rebekah [00:07:34]:
I never found out who they were.
Yvonne [00:07:36]:
Wow.
Rebekah [00:07:37]:
Yeah. So I've built that muscle of trusting spirit over my intuition, my body's wisdom. Your mind can convince you of anything. But I know we're going to segue into the topic of dating, and I want to, at some point, talk about how I listen to my body, about who to date.
Yvonne [00:08:00]:
Yes.
Rebekah [00:08:01]:
To spirit.
Yvonne [00:08:02]:
Yes. Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for sharing that. I love stories like that. And it's interesting right now, they're coming up a lot in my life and around me as well. Just yesterday, I was chatting with a gentleman who was sharing with me like he had a lot of financial struggles. He was unsure. This happened just a week ago.
Yvonne [00:08:28]:
Am I going to make rent? How do I pay these people? He was stressing quite a lot about it. And then he reminded himself, I'm going to put this into God's hands. I believe, I trust. And then he mentioned the next day, a friend showed up with a huge bag of groceries for him filled with food and everything. And it was just like that confirmation. If you trust that, it's going to be okay, if you trust the process, it will come to you. The things that you need will come to you.
Rebekah [00:09:00]:
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that's been demonstrated to me over and over. Miraculous things that I couldn't have predicted. And as you and I were talking before we started recording, it's great to be reminded of that because there's a bunch of uncertainty in my life right now. And I think it's easy to forget the times where we've been carried or where we've been magical. And I really do believe the universe showers me with gifts and blessings, even though sometimes the gifts are wrapped in shitty wrapping paper.
Yvonne [00:09:36]:
True.
Rebekah [00:09:38]:
Sometimes you just got to hold your nose and unwrap it, and eventually the blessing shows up if you believe in it and you're willing to keep walking and you don't let it drag you down into despair or paralysis.
Yvonne [00:09:55]:
Yes. Trusting that even if you're presented with shitty wrapping paper, there will be a magical gift inside and what you need at that specific time. And I feel like this is a good segue into the dating and relationships and the importance of trusting that a healthy relationship, love, will come to you. And I'm just wondering if you have something maybe from your own experience that you can start with about putting that call out into the universe for love or a relationship and trusting that process.
Rebekah [00:10:30]:
Yeah, I have great examples for that. And I want to point out that there's an islamic saying which is trust in Allah, but tie your camel, who.
Yvonne [00:10:46]:
Had just got shivers.
Rebekah [00:10:50]:
Yeah, it's like, we can trust in spirit and we can trust in God, and we can ask. I'm a huge fan in asking questions of the universe, spirit, God, whatever you think of and seeing what shows up. And at the same time, you are not ever going to meet someone if you only ever sit on your couch watching Netflix. So asking, when something difficult comes down the pike, something scary or challenging, what's right about this, I'm not getting. What can I do with this? That will be a profit for me and the planet. What energy can I be here? What am I not seeing? That if I saw it and did, it would change this for greater. Okay, so now my dating stories. I have been married twice.
Rebekah [00:11:41]:
I'm currently single. My first husband, I did law of attraction. I took a journal. I put a picture of a Victoria's Secret model in boxer shorts on it. I wrote everything I wanted in a partner in the book. You're laughing because I bet you've done it. And the audience, some of you have done this, too, right? I put it all there. And a couple of months later, I went on an audition for a commercial.
Rebekah [00:12:06]:
I was a stand up comedian at that time, and the sound engineer kept chatting me up in the hallway, and I called him the next day and asked him out to lunch. And I don't know. I didn't get the commercial. I don't know if they even ever made it. But I ended up marrying him and having two kids with him.
Yvonne [00:12:24]:
Wow.
Rebekah [00:12:25]:
He fit pretty much almost everything I had put in my journal. Here's the thing. I didn't put what I didn't want. So he also had a lot of qualities that were not so great. But I mean, he even wore boxer shorts. It was amazing. Like, how much that. And we were Together ten years, and he gave me two amazing children.
Rebekah [00:12:49]:
So one thing I'm just going to put in the space for people that have maybe are divorced or whatever, is that longevity is not the definition of success in relationship. And not forgiving yourself for your past, your past choices, your past, quote unquote mistakes, can be a real obstacle to dating joyfully and successfully in the now. So how about you let all of that go and just know that that relationship fulfilled its purpose and then it was done. And it's when we hold on to relationships past their usefulness. People grow, people change. And the thing that brought you together may not be the same for either of you or for one of you anymore. So that relationship ended. I'm single another year.
Rebekah [00:13:40]:
I've got two little girls again. I just start asking for a partner that's going to fit into my life a little more vaguely this time. And I met my second husband, and he gave me this technique for how he found me. It's a prayer. It's God. If there is someone that my being with would serve you better, please hook us up.
Yvonne [00:14:10]:
Wow. Yeah.
Rebekah [00:14:13]:
And I've given that prayer to a bunch of people, and it has worked for them. Same thing again. Our relationship was very much in service, like, to our community. The things that we did together really changed people's lives. Again, we weren't particularly compatible as mates. He's my best friend now, or one of my best friends still, because that relationship, although it was painful and a little difficult when we first broke up, I let it transform. I kept asking questions like, I let him contribute to me what he can, and I don't hold him accountable or blame him for what he can't anymore. So he's the guy that listens to me, that when things really good or really bad happens and he's got my back and we sometimes vacation together.
Rebekah [00:15:10]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:15:12]:
Wow.
Rebekah [00:15:14]:
That was a really long answer to your question. But those are two of my ways of using spirit to find a partner.
Yvonne [00:15:21]:
Yes. Thank you so much for sharing those stories. I love hearing that. And the last thing you mentioned with your second husband, the fact that you can vacation together, the word that came up for me there was forgiveness. And the amount of forgiveness and letting go that's required to go on a vacation with your ex husband?
Rebekah [00:15:46]:
Yeah. I mean, it's forgiveness. It's also it's allowance, which is like allowing someone else to be who they are without your judgments. Like allowing myself to be who I am without my judgments. Our relationship was with what it was. No judgment there. And it came to an end. Okay, cool.
Rebekah [00:16:09]:
What else is possible? What's next? And one thing I have found, because I've actually been unpartnered now. I had another sort of significant in relationship for two and a half years. And I've been unpartoned five, almost six since then is six years. That when I'm not so focused on the one, I actually have room for a lot more love in my life. And I enjoy my dates much more because they're not about finding my person who is going to be my everything and last forever. Now I'm looking for the person who is going to make my life really fun. I am looking for an enjoyable other, not a significant other. And I surround myself with people who fulfill the things that I think I want a partner for.
Rebekah [00:17:20]:
So that when I do meet a partner, I'm not coming from neediness, I'm coming from, hey, my life is already really cool. Want to come along?
Yvonne [00:17:29]:
Yeah.
Rebekah [00:17:31]:
And I'm like super fulfilled and happy, which makes me more attractive to other people.
Yvonne [00:17:40]:
So was that a process for you? Because just as you saying, not focusing on finding the one and the significant other, I think for a lot of women, myself included, we still have that dream. Like where is my person? Where is my sold counterpart? So where did that shift for you? From being focused on where is he? To, okay, I'm just going to enjoy my life and see who can come along for the like. Cause it sounds like you again, let go or allowed. Where did that shift happen for you?
Rebekah [00:18:22]:
Yeah, thanks, Yvonne. That's a great question. Where it shifted for me was after this last I started, I learned about a technique called access bars and listeners you can look up accessconsciousness.com the bars if this interests you. It is a hands on technique that stimulates the practitioner puts their hands on your head. And there are 32 points on your head that correspond to different areas of your life that you can think of. Almost like storage cabinets, file drawers, places where you keep anything you've ever believed or been taught about a certain area of your life. And this is the thing we've been told for whatever reason that we need to be the one that we're looking for our better half, that life is better if you're in a couple. And what if that's not true? And there are cultures and there are times of life where that actually hasn't been true.
Rebekah [00:19:23]:
The whole structure of marriage was actually much more about financial and political reasons. It's only in the modern era that it's become about romance and love. So in the beginning, you married someone so that your families could merge their land or their money or something, their status. You weren't expected to love them. Maybe you grew into love over time, but you also maybe had a lover on the side. It was expected. And in the modern era, we've just hung all of this expectation on it. What I want to say is, being a couple has become a strategy.
Rebekah [00:20:02]:
It's not the end. Like, what are you trying to accomplish? And getting a partner is your strategy for that? Most of us, what we're looking for is security. We're looking for affection. We're looking for nurturance. We're looking for caring. We're looking for companionship. Right. We're looking for sex.
Rebekah [00:20:23]:
We're looking for financial contribution. Getting really clear about what you think you want from a partner can allow you to maybe get those needs met someplace else and then connect with a partner who plugs into some of it but not all of it, and that it's still okay and you can enjoy them for what they do. Bring. I had a roommate. She just really wanted to have kids before she got too much older, and she wasn't meeting a guy, so she got a friend of hers to donate sperm, and she's had a baby. She got pregnant on the first shot. Turkey baster, like, at home. Amazing.
Rebekah [00:21:09]:
Miraculous. And a couple of years later, same guy gave her sperm again. And he acts sort of like their uncle. He's around, he's a friend of hers. But she didn't make like, I can't have kids until I have a guy. She brainstormed and found the way to get that need met.
Yvonne [00:21:33]:
Interesting. Yeah. Just reflecting with what you're saying with my own life, what is the desire behind wanting a companion? And for me, what comes up? Like, my grandparents, on the one side, had a really great marriage that also lasted for a long time. So they were married for 60 years. I would say probably 40 happily, because then my grandpa got dementia, so the illness changed their plan. My grandma always says so. I grew up with this image of this power couple, and they loved each other so much. So I saw how longevity and quality could be together.
Yvonne [00:22:23]:
But it also puts pressure on, like, I want to replicate that. So that does put pressure on to have something similar because I saw how enriching, how they enriched each other's lives. But then, on the other hand, I had a set of grandparents that were together for just about as long, maybe for 40 years, maybe not 60. And that was a very toxic, violent marriage. So I kind of saw both extremes, but I definitely noticed my desire to achieve that as well.
Rebekah [00:23:03]:
Yeah, I mean, I'm not saying that it's impossible, and certainly you have a beautiful role model for it. And you have to look at the time and the culture in which they grew up in which they were a couple together, and things were very different, the times were very different. Households where only one person needed to work were more easily available than they maybe are now for most people. So I think culturally we have stresses today on relationship that our grandparents didn't have. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Everyone should want what they want. It's just getting clear about what do you want? And what have you been told is what you should want, including in a partner.
Rebekah [00:24:02]:
Like, maybe you want a partner that sleeps across the hall because he snores or you snore. Maybe you want a partner with a lot of space in the relationship. Maybe you want a partner with a lot of closeness in it. Do you want a partner that wants kids? Do you not knowing all of those things about yourself going in will help you date more successfully too. You won't waste your time on the ones that don't want what you want. Yeah. Something else that just occurred to me to say someone must need to hear this, is that I see that a lot of people operate in the dating sphere looking to be chosen. Will they like me? How can I present myself so that people will like me? And what if you flicked your inside switch to looking to choose, to be the chooser and that you may have less people to choose from, but you're clear and you have quality.
Rebekah [00:25:07]:
And if someone doesn't like you, it's like the universe going, they weren't for you. I just saved you. And you can just be like, oh, thank you for all the people who are not swiping on me. Thank you for the people that are. I'm kind of the queen of great first dates. And a lot of guys that I think have said they had a really good time with me, don't ever want to get together again. And for a long time I took that personally. Like, what's wrong with me? It fed into all my old stories from childhood that I'm too much, too big, and now I'm like, well, if they can't take the heat, good thing they got out of the kitchen.
Rebekah [00:25:51]:
It's more about when someone says no to you. It's really always about them. Always. They cannot handle all of who you are. And please don't make yourself smaller to fit into someone else's life. Eventually, you can only hold your stomach in for so long. Eventually, you are going to need to break out of that box. Eventually, they are going to get tired of holding you in the box.
Rebekah [00:26:24]:
Only ever be with someone that wants you to be as big, as great, as powerful as you actually are.
Yvonne [00:26:30]:
Yes. I love that. What would you say for women that are especially perhaps after marriage, after having kids that are daring to go back into that dating avenue, what have you found is their biggest challenge or their biggest block?
Rebekah [00:26:52]:
Um, well, I would say a lot of them feel less attractive than the last time they were in the dating world, and they're concerned about it. And I'll tell you what was told to me after my first marriage ended by one of my teachers. She said, a woman is attractive when she looks like she can be gratified, and a woman is beautiful when she's gratified. Already I learned a bunch of techniques that I teach my clients around what I call man whispering. And, like, really bringing up your inner feminine. One of the biggest blocks women have after a relationship has ended is they're angry at men or they don't like men very much. And that's really destructive and counterproductive to forging new relationships. It probably was part of why your prior relationship ended, right.
Rebekah [00:28:01]:
We let all these little resentments accumulate. He never takes out the trash. He leaves his towels on the floor, whatever. Eventually we're so angry, we lose the intimate connection. Okay, what do you do when your self esteem has taken a beating? Okay, well, clearing. Being willing to be vulnerable to all the negative things you think, but not indulging in them. So you look in the mirror and your thought is, wow, I've got some gray hairs. Ew.
Rebekah [00:28:36]:
You just say, think to yourself, interesting point of view. I have that point of view. Interesting point of view. I have that point of view. It may not be true. It doesn't make you less attractive. The more you can approve of yourself and what you look at in the mirror. Just allow for it.
Rebekah [00:28:54]:
Yes. Do I have some stretch marks? Absolutely. They are my badges of courage. I have born, two children. Most women emerging from a relationship don't realize how badass they are. They've been chauffeur, psychologist, lover, accounts manager, financial manager. They have been everything. Lots of skills.
Rebekah [00:29:21]:
Juggling. Yeah. And really to focus on what makes you feel good about you. This is your time now. This is another thing I like to say. Be the lover you think you're looking for. So eat your dinner on the good plates. Buy yourself flowers.
Rebekah [00:29:44]:
Get yourself a massage. So what? You have to pay for it. Buy yourself a sex worker. Honestly, you can find a sexological body worker that works on women. That level of being touched where it's all about you. Amazing. When you come out into the world already satisfied, already happy.
Yvonne [00:30:09]:
Yeah. And that radiates outwards.
Rebekah [00:30:12]:
Yeah. Makes you more magnetic, more attractive.
Yvonne [00:30:17]:
Yeah. What just came up for me, too, is, like you mentioned, kind of softening into the feminine. Like allowing that woman to come out. The one that's gratified, the one that's able to receive. And then you mentioned all the roles that a woman maybe fulfilled in her marriage. I'm not sure if this is going to be. If this is going to make sense. But I just see this woman that has so many roles.
Yvonne [00:30:50]:
Like you said, psychologist and mother and cook and financial manager. And then that relationship or that situation ends. It's like the loss of all that. But it's also having all those duties or roles. It's more in the masculine and the doing and going through the motions. And then what you mentioned, too, about the anger and the resentment that comes up for me when, as women, we're too much in those rigorous roles in that masculine. It's like our own resentment. But then coming out into the dating realm.
Yvonne [00:31:27]:
First it's this loss of this identity. But then being able to embrace that feminine. But I imagine, and I know for a lot of women. That's really difficult to let go of those roles. And to embrace the softness, the flowing. And I'm wondering, what was your experience with that?
Rebekah [00:31:46]:
Yeah, so true. I mean, I'm the oldest child. No boys in my family. So I really functioned like my father's son. And a very masculine way of being in the world. And so cultivating my feminine did take time. I mean, there are things that you can do. There are meditations and breath work.
Rebekah [00:32:09]:
The study of tantra. T-A-N-T-R-A. Those kinds of things can allow me to begin to cultivate my inner feminine. There's a great book by Alison Armstrong called the Queen's code. Where she talks. Know, we can't totally stop being human. Know, especially, yes, you may not have all the roles you had to fill when you were wife and mother. However, you still maybe have to make a living unless you're collecting alimony.
Rebekah [00:32:41]:
There are still things that you have to do. But being willing to soften enough to allow other people to provide for us and receive it and consume it with joy. And I learned that I lived for seven years, actually, in a school for relationships and communication called a more house. And they're a system. They have a school that has been in existence since the Bay area of California. They still teach their work. And so for seven years, I lived in this place where they believed that the community was only as prosperous as the women were happy. And women were really encouraged to go for what they wanted, to ask for what they wanted.
Rebekah [00:33:28]:
And men were encouraged to find their greatness in providing. Yeah, right. You can just feel like the relaxation into that. Having a community is important, I think, and having other women who are willing to live from that space and encourage you to live from that space and call me out when I'm not living from that space. I mean, I feel like the women in the morehouse, there was one woman who never drove. She licensed, she could, her man drove her everywhere. And watching other women feel entitled to have that level of care was amazing. A totally different model.
Rebekah [00:34:20]:
And what she gave in return was her total love and generosity and acknowledgment. And she loved to cook. So she fed that man like nobody's business. And they're still together. In fact, I officiated at their wedding. I don't know how many years they've been together now, 30. Anyway, absolutely possible. The first thing is just to choose it and just to be willing to recognize when you're not.
Rebekah [00:34:50]:
Do you have messages? Like, I have to do everything myself. Another one of those beliefs that you can get eradicated. Oh, I wandered so far, but I started getting my access bars run. I told you that. And then I learned the technique so that I could swap with other practitioners and get them run, like, every week. And bit by bit, I just kept clearing out the limiting thoughts, the programming that it served at one time, that whole I can do it by myself thing. You may have needed that at one point in your life, but how can you let anyone else in if your walls are so high and you're like, I don't need anyone. People want to know where they plug into your life.
Rebekah [00:35:33]:
What can they provide you? So many years, it was, who am I going to kiss on New Year's Eve? And then I had a husband, and then I was single, little and then I had another husband, and then I was single little, and I had a boyfriend. And now you asked when the switch came. One day I woke up and it was like, I could have a partner. I could not have a partner. I was just enjoying my life. So it was an accumulation of things. I want to say. It was looking at the things in me that thought I had to have a partner and that I was less than if I didn't.
Rebekah [00:36:11]:
And being willing to clear those thing part number one, part number two, creating a community that loved and nurtured me and had my back, was thing number two. Yeah. And then thing number three, just having a really good life, whether I had a partner or not. I would say those three things contributed to that shift to dating more greatly.
Yvonne [00:36:40]:
Yes, I love that.
Rebekah [00:36:42]:
And this is another thing about dating greatly. We could really amp up our flirtation skills for midlife women. I don't know. Well, I'll say, for me and maybe a lot of other midlife women, the worst thing you could do was flirt and wind a guy up and then not fulfill you owed him if you turned him on. And I really had to clear everything, that is. Can we let that go?
Yvonne [00:37:13]:
Right? Yes. So that you can flirt and you could receive. But there was that inner voice that was like, well, now you got to do something for him or you've got.
Rebekah [00:37:23]:
To complete the contract. And we also walk around going, ew. Ew. No, not, what if we could just flirt for the sake of practicing our flirting skills, for the fact of creating connection, for the little crisson of excitement that you get in that moment and that you gift, and then you just walk away and you're allowed. I once was in a mall with a friend, a place in a city I didn't know, and we were trying to find the bathroom. So I walked up to the security guard, and I'm like, hey, would you be my hero and tell me where the bathroom is? And he was like, I'll do better than that. I'll show you. Walked us to the bathroom, and we're talking about how long he's worked there and what else we should see in the city.
Rebekah [00:38:09]:
And it was totally joyful and fun, and I was like, thank you. Hero. Job fulfilled. Here's your badge. And he was like, thank you. And he walked away. And I walked away, and that was it. But it was so fun.
Rebekah [00:38:28]:
And men really dig playfulness.
Yvonne [00:38:32]:
Yeah.
Rebekah [00:38:33]:
That's why they play video games. That's why they watch sports. They like a little excitement. They like the win, the notable score, they like knowing the rules of the game, and they like acknowledgment.
Yvonne [00:38:49]:
Yes, definitely. And like you saying the hero piece, you can just see him standing up a little bit taller, like, yes, I'm going to fulfill this hero role. I feel like a lot of women do stop themselves if I'm too playful, if I'm too flirty, if I accept this gesture, then there's expectations on me. And when we can let go of that, it allows our spirit to flow as well and us to open up, receive, step into that feminine. And what comes to mind is I've had to also remove that block. It's like, don't accept a gesture from a man because he's going to expect something from you. And especially with paying for things, I was always like, if I didn't want to go there, if I didn't want to be intimate or create a relationship with this person or have them think that I'm in love with them, I'd be like, oh, no, I got to pay my own. So I'd be like, no.
Yvonne [00:39:51]:
And lately I've just been making a point. Whenever I'm out with a man, whether it's a friend or my significant other, just sitting back and allowing the man to pay and to not grab my wallet and not be like, oh, I'll get this. No, it's like, just, and I can feel my anxiety and like, uhoh, come up and just taking a few breaths, like, no, just stay. Just allow him to take out his wallet and then just being gracious and accepting. And it feels so good when a man pays for me, when a man does jobs around the house for me or helps me out in some way. And I actually had a couple of my neighbors on the same day mow my lawn. One was mowing it out front and one was mowing it out back. Two really kind gentlemen, I wasn't mowing my grass.
Yvonne [00:40:45]:
So they offered their help, and I was like, oh, I got to bake them some kind of baked goods or I got to do something and reciprocate. But all I did was, I was like, no, I don't have to do that. And I just looked at them and I said, I really appreciate you doing this for me. Thank you so much. That's so helpful. And that was enough. And I could see that in them. They enjoyed mowing my lawn for me, and they enjoyed doing that for me.
Rebekah [00:41:09]:
Yeah, absolutely. My primary love language to receive is gifts of service. I just love when a man holds my car door open when he pays for dinner. Pulls out my chair. Yeah. I think in some ways, feminism did us a little disservice, because what it gave us was the right to behave like men. And I'm looking towards a third wave of feminism, where what women bring to the equation is valued equally to what men bring to the equation and that capacity to receive. And that also, this is a morehouse thing, too, that women's energy is about appetite.
Rebekah [00:41:51]:
Women are kind of responsible for the what, and men are responsible for the how.
Yvonne [00:41:59]:
Yes. I love that.
Rebekah [00:42:01]:
Yeah, absolutely. And another thing I was taught that was really hard for me to believe at first, coming out of my first marriage, was that in their observation over years of social research, men just really want to take care of women, and that men are actually the big romantics. Women are more pragmatic, and that that's men's desire. And I was like, are you kidding? Because I had always picked the guy who used me. We're not going to go into the whys. I know them now, but I always picked the guy that I had to do everything for. And I didn't believe them at first, but I saw how when I relaxed into that. So after my marriage ended and I was living in this communal household with my two little kids, and they were teaching me about relationships, and they encouraged me to just go out on dates and that I didn't owe him anything but my gracious consumption of his gift.
Rebekah [00:43:12]:
So I would go out for dinner. There was one guy in particular that I wasn't particularly sensually attracted to. We had very different levels of education, so conversation was somewhat. We stayed on one level, not quite the level I wanted, but anyway, he would. I would call him up and go, do you want to take me out for dinner? And he'd say yes. And he would take me out for dinner, and we'd have conversation, and I would just, oh, my God, this is the best pasta I've ever tasted. Thank you so much. He'd drive me home.
Rebekah [00:43:43]:
I would kiss him on the cheek, and that was it. And I went out on several dates with him. How does this benefit the guy? Well, first of all, having a woman. All the other women are now looking. If he can get a woman to go out with him, there must be something good about him. And actually, what happened was another woman in our community snatched him up and married him. Like, the next weekend, we were going to a course, and he was my partner, so that he didn't feel alone for the course. But she decided she wanted him.
Rebekah [00:44:16]:
She went for him. They ended up getting married. So it really worked for both of us and it began to let me know, like I could see it in action, that I didn't owe him anything for taking me out for dinner. I mean, dating in today's world is dicey. A lot of the guys that I've met lately don't want to pay for dinner on the first date. They figure it's not really a date. We're both on the app and we should pay for ourselves until we know whether I'm going to get any. It's basically a little bit of their attitude.
Rebekah [00:44:50]:
Right?
Yvonne [00:44:50]:
Yeah.
Rebekah [00:44:52]:
Interesting. Actually, I probably could use some advice on this because I don't feel that I am particularly successful navigating apps. So what do you got?
Yvonne [00:45:08]:
Well, actually I was going to ask you, do you think that the dating apps fit into a fulfilling. Can they enhance the dating experience? I've definitely talking to women and having gone on dating apps myself, it's challenging because burnout is so quick to happen. Like the overwhelming feelings of all the messages you got to answer and then also the lack of inequality. And so I find a lot of women, I always hear this, I uninstalled the app, I reinstalled the app. I uninstalled the app, I reinstalled the app that they go through these phases and I've actually had two friends, their brothers, and they had been on dating apps for years. No success. None of them had been in any kind of relationship like they were in their thirty s. And then it's almost like it was like, okay, I'm on this dating app.
Yvonne [00:46:12]:
Nothing's going to happen. But then within the span of like two months of each other, they both met a woman. And then within the span of, I think, another two or three months, they were their fiance and one of them has now married. So they both found their wives. The other brother is getting married next May. And so there is success. And that was both on bumble. So I've heard success stories on Bumble, and I can see why.
Yvonne [00:46:39]:
Because the women initiate and there's not as much of an overwhelming feeling as maybe on Tinder where everyone can message you. So I think it's possible. And I also hear a lot, when your quality of life, when you're not feeling as good, maybe when you're a little lonely or a little bored or things aren't as fulfilling and you don't feel as alive, is probably the time you're going to install the dating app again. And so I think the two have to be aligned. Like, if you're feeling absolutely amazing. Download the dating app, because something really good is probably going to come from it. And otherwise, I'm definitely more of a supporter of the organic, allowing things to happen organically at a grocery store or at your job or whatever.
Rebekah [00:47:33]:
Yeah, I agree. I think the apps only do it if it's fun for you. And what else? I'm also a fan of things like meetup and going to things that. So you have common interests. Some of my favorite dates were not dates at all. Like, I just went somewhere and bumped into someone, and we ended up, like, I was eating alone in a restaurant, and the guy next to me was eating alone, and we started talking, and he moved over and sat with me. And then when I was in the bathroom, he paid for my dinner, and then we went out to listen to music, and it was, like, just a totally fun date. And, yeah, I just had an idea while I was talking to you.
Rebekah [00:48:18]:
What about sister parties where all the girls have to bring a guy that they've met that isn't for them, but they think is for somebody. They think he's a really good guy, but he's not for them. I tell everybody that I'm open to being fixed up. I do go on the apps occasionally, and I go to meetups. That's mostly, like, the thing that I do. And I promised I was going to talk about this before we got on the call. My approach to dating greatly is to stop dating like it's a job interview. Most people go on a date and they're looking to tick off the boxes.
Rebekah [00:49:07]:
Is he this? Is he that? Does he make enough money? Blah, blah, blah. Instead, go on as if it was your last date. This was the only chance you were ever going to have to have as much fun as possible with this person.
Yvonne [00:49:21]:
I love that that's such a different viewpoint, and it takes so much pressure off. Really?
Rebekah [00:49:26]:
Yeah. If it doesn't go well, so what if he doesn't ever call you again? So what? You had one great time. And if it's not going well, and this one was a hard one for me, too, be willing to go. I mean, I've only done it once, maybe twice, and it has to be pretty bad because I'm so like, Pollyanna. There must be something here good about them. But to just say, you know what? This is not working. I'm going to go. Don't stay beyond it being fun for you.
Yvonne [00:50:01]:
What do you do nowadays? Like, working with women?
Rebekah [00:50:04]:
Maybe?
Yvonne [00:50:05]:
What has been your biggest success story? If you think about your clients that you've worked with, if anything comes to mind there.
Rebekah [00:50:14]:
Yeah. I would say one of my biggest success stories was a woman who. One thing about the app. My sister started on apps at the age of 50, had never been married, and on the first date, knew he was, like, the guy, and they got married a year later.
Yvonne [00:50:32]:
Wow.
Rebekah [00:50:33]:
Yeah. So apps do work for some people. Absolutely. Okay, my best success story, I'm thinking of an older woman who came to me. She was in her early 60s. She had not been dating for a while. She actually had kind of some. Well, she had a diagnosis.
Rebekah [00:50:54]:
She had herpes, and she thought nobody would ever want to be with her. And she hadn't had sex in a long time. We worked on clearing her negative beliefs about herself, about her body. We got her started on a practice of self pleasure because she really disconnected from her sensuality and her sexuality in that process. Each week, we did either energy work or verbal coaching and clearing to begin to peel away all of the walls she had put up to finding a partner. So that's step one, break down the walls, take off your armor. Step two, getting clear about what you're looking for and then opening up to that and working your receiving muscle. So she started working her receiving muscle.
Rebekah [00:51:48]:
So at the end of the three months that the program she was with me was she was dating. She was having sensual contact that was pleasurable and did not include intercourse. See, this is the big thing. I taught them how to have a sensual life that was satisfying for both of them, that did not involve anything painful for her. Yeah. So she was a big success, and then that relationship came to an end and she met someone else, so she stayed in the dating field, and her sensual life, as I understand it, got better and better.
Yvonne [00:52:20]:
I love that. That's great. And for the women listening, if you just had one piece of advice for them, what would that be?
Rebekah [00:52:33]:
One piece of advice? It's not a piece of advice. It's a reminder. You're amazing. You're amazing, you're amazing. You're amazing. And don't let anybody in your world that tells you different, including you, be really vigilant about that. And when you walk through the world from that space, eventually you will find someone who sees it, too. Yeah.
Rebekah [00:53:03]:
My work through my company, pleasure evolution, is about connecting specifically midlife women more to their bodies, their sensuality, and the people they share those things with. And that's a project that you can do anytime, whether you're partnered or not. So the more you connect to you and fall in love, with you, like, attracts, like, you're already in love with you. If you attract someone and you don't like yourself, you can't let in how much they like you because you think there's something wrong with them, because how could they like you? You're broken. So that is a vicious cycle that a lot of people go through in dating as well. That you meet a good person, a good guy, a nurturing guy, and you can't let him in because his opinion of you is better than your opinion of you.
Yvonne [00:53:56]:
That's so potent. And, yeah, there's so much work there alone, right? Like, undoing these thoughts, these patterns, and removing those blocks. But it's so vital. It's so vital because we get in our own way. That's really the end of it. We get in our own way. And if we just get out of our way and really embrace ourselves, someone else will.
Rebekah [00:54:20]:
Oh, my God. I just thought of something else, too. Is to really look at, do you want a relationship, or do you just want to want a relationship? After running a series of dating events and observing the people, what I got is that most of them were there to exclude everyone in the room.
Yvonne [00:54:38]:
All right.
Rebekah [00:54:39]:
And it's totally fine to actually not want. Like I was saying earlier, what would you like a partner for? Maybe you just want a partner who sexes you up and takes you to the theater, but you don't have to live with them. You're allowed to want that. Yeah. Anyway, so what do you really want? Or are you buying into that? Thank you.
Yvonne [00:55:05]:
That's awesome. All right. And is there any for women that are just maybe out of a relationship that are wanting to take those first steps to start dating, that are considering maybe wanting to be in a relationship? What do you think is, like, a practical first step or exercise or something that they could do to maybe start taking down some of those walls?
Rebekah [00:55:35]:
I do think that exercise of what you're looking for, getting clear about what you would like, what your deal breakers are, what you wouldn't like. But actually, if it's okay with you, I would love to do a little energetic exercise because the mind is a very tricky thing. Our minds have all kinds of ideas about who would be good for us and what we're looking for. And actually, when I think about that now, I'm realizing that's not a great piece of advice. I don't want to give that. I would like to do this exercise, and then maybe our listeners can listen to it over and over again.
Yvonne [00:56:13]:
That would be amazing. Yeah.
Rebekah [00:56:14]:
Awesome. And I would like to record it as well so that I have it. So give me one quick little second.
Yvonne [00:56:24]:
Yes, I'm excited.
Rebekah [00:56:27]:
Okay, so we're going to do a quickie meditation, folks. All right, here we go. We're going to do a quickie meditation. Get comfortable in your chair or lying down, breathing in through your nose, out through your mouth, in again through your nose, letting your belly expand like a balloon. And out through your mouth, in through your nose, out through your mouth, becoming aware of your feet on the ground, your butt on the chair, perhaps your back against the bed or the sofa, wherever you're sitting. And I want you to imagine in front of you, a ball, like a beach ball, and into that beach ball, inserting the qualities that you would like in a partner. And I don't mean qualities like, he has brown hair, he's six foot tall, he makes a lot of money. I mean, energetically, is he kind? Insert the energy, the feeling of kindness into your bubble.
Rebekah [00:57:53]:
Do you want to be nurtured in a relationship? What does that feel like? Imagine someone snuggling, spooning you from behind, and how does that feel in your body? And put that into your bubble. Is there humor? Is there laughter? Is there joy? Is there a feeling of groundedness, security, knowing they've got your back? You have someone to help slay the dragons of the world with. Do you feel calm, knowing all your financial needs are met? Get the smell of someone else cooking for you and walking into your home to a meal? Or maybe they've ordered in, but they feed you. They feed you, body and soul. Get the energy of what that would be like now. Get the energy of the best orgasm you ever had. Filling your whole body, tingling up from your toes, sweeping through your lady parts, livening, awakening your nipples, making your smile, emerging from the top of your head like a champagne fountain, and put that energy of orgasmic delight into your bubble. And now, anything else I haven't mentioned that you envision being with a partner would be like, wow.
Rebekah [00:59:44]:
Make it as vivid. Now. Turn it up. Turn all of it up and make your bubble bigger. Expand it out bigger, bigger, so that actually so big that you can step inside it, feeling that energy swirling around you. Let your barriers down. Allow yourself to infuse the bubble, the energy that you would like to give to a partner. Open your heart and feel that love that is you emerging, mingling with all the qualities you want to receive, the qualities you want to give.
Rebekah [01:00:35]:
And now from that bubble, I want you to send little imagined gold threads out to all over the planet. To anyone who is an energetic match for you and your bubble, imagine little sparks, kind of like Dr. Xavier and his machine. Little sparks. Every person that you match with. And are there five? Are there 500? Send your trickles of light and connect to those sparks that are souls waiting to connect with you. Energetically congruent, wanting what you want, desiring what you desire. And when you get there, hook that little thread in and give them a little tug.
Rebekah [01:01:34]:
Pull them towards you. Pull them, pull them. It is time for you to come to me now. It's okay. If there's more than one, they will sift out over time. Let them all come lover, come lover, come lover, come. Keep pulling, pulling, pulling until they come into your bubble. And just notice that gives you that much more energy.
Rebekah [01:02:00]:
So let the energy expand back out into the little trickles again. Nurturing them, tickling them, feeding them all the little sparks of all the possible lovers, companions, husbands, wives, whatever your heart desires. Filling them again. And just for fun, let's pull them in again. Maybe there's some new ones this time that you neglected the first time. Maybe it's the same ones. Pull them in. Pull them in.
Rebekah [01:02:37]:
Come all the way. Letting them in now. Grounding this energy into the earth. Expanding, allowing your bubble now to dissolve so that your energy is mingling with the energy all around you. Front, back, sides, below you and above you. You are expanding out to the greatness of your being. Ooh. You are everything that you are seeking already.
Rebekah [01:03:24]:
And as such, what you seek is seeking you and cannot help but to find you. Allowing this energy pull to keep on running, flowing between you and your possibilities. Flowing in, flowing out. And if there's something that is required of you, somewhere to go, some call to make, something to do, let it poke you and let you know loud and clear. And let the energy and the molecules and the universe work on your behalf. Taking another deep breath in, enjoying this energy and allowing yourself to come back gently to the room that you're in. Aware again of your butt on the seat, your feet on the floor, your hands on your body, opening eyes when you are ready.
Yvonne [01:04:36]:
Thank you so much for that. That was so good.
Rebekah [01:04:40]:
That was. Wow. I know, that was so fun. Thank you, everybody for playing along.
Yvonne [01:04:51]:
Oh, my goodness, that was good. It's going to take me through the day. All right, for listeners that want to know more about you, get in touch with you, potentially work with you. What's the best way to get in touch with you?
Rebekah [01:05:06]:
Okay. My website is pleasureevolution.com. I also have a YouTube channel with lots of useful videos on pleasure evolution tv. I'm on a lot of the other platforms. Rebecca Benateau. I think on Instagram, but the best way really is my website. Also Facebook. Pleasure evolution on Facebook.
Rebekah [01:05:33]:
And yeah, I do a lot of stuff online. I do a free challenge once a month. If you join my website, you'll get all kinds of, oh, I think I had a gift. Didn't I have say I was going to give a gift?
Yvonne [01:05:49]:
I believe you did.
Rebekah [01:05:51]:
I did. Wow. Okay. So go to my website, pleasure evolution. Or actually Yvonne is going to post the link where you can schedule a half hour free phone call with me. Get clear on your goals, get clear on. Let's talk about what's in your way and I'll suggest resources and stuff you can use. And, yeah, we'll take it from there.
Rebekah [01:06:20]:
Work with me, work with Yvonne. You can't get to something different if you're always doing things the same. And if you knew how to do it yourself, you would have done it already. This is really important. People will pay money to get coaching on how to make more money or how to do their business better. But this is the foundation of your life. This is how you wake up every morning and who you wake up next to and how you feel about yourself when you look in the mirror. And I don't care how much money you want to make and how much you tweak your business, if you don't think you deserve a lot of money, just like you don't think you deserve a lot of love, it ain't going to happen.
Rebekah [01:07:04]:
So let us hold your hand. Whoever you choose, whoever is congruent and walk with you to where you want to be so that you have an exuberant, amazing, ecstatic, orgasmic life. So anyway, I would love to gift you this call. It's not a sales call. Yes. If you want to know how to work with me, I'll tell you about that. But I will just listen and help you to some solutions and some actions you will take out of that call, some actions that you can do with yourself.
Yvonne [01:07:34]:
I love that. Thank you. Thank you for your generosity, Rebecca, with your sharing today, with your stories, with the meditation, with these freebies, with the offer of that call. That's so generous. And, yeah, thank you just so much. And the final question for you just before we go today is what song are you currently dancing to?
Rebekah [01:08:01]:
That's a good question. I keep hearing boogie Wonderland. That one.
Yvonne [01:08:09]:
Boogie Wonderland. Okay.
Rebekah [01:08:11]:
Wonderland. Earth, wind and fire.
Yvonne [01:08:13]:
Awesome. I will add that to the dating greatly playlist where I'm collecting all the dance songs from my guests, and I will put your links in the show notes to make sure it's really easy for people to get in touch with you. And again, thank you so much, Rebecca, it was such a treat chatting with you.
Rebekah [01:08:35]:
Thank you.
Yvonne [01:08:36]:
I feel alive.
Rebekah [01:08:39]:
Thank you so much, Yvonne. I really enjoyed it.
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Intro Song: Bensound- Summer