How to Break Free from Codependency
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Today I'm going to be talking about codependency and how we can break free from codependency and be able to relax in our relationships.
For those of us not familiar with codependency, there's a couple of definitions. The original definition of codependency is:
A relationship or psychological condition in which a person is controlled and manipulated by a pathological condition, also known as an addiction.
A more recent definition of codependency was created by Melody Beattie, the queen of codependency. If you want to know anything about codependency or get any books to further your knowledge, check out Melody Beattie's books. They're amazing. Her most famous book is called ‘Codependent No More’. The book I have is ‘ The Language of Letting Go- Daily Meditations for Codependency’. They're fantastic books and they helped me so much when I was deep in a codependent relationship and trying to get out. This book was my savior. Melody Beattie's definition of codependency is:
A codependent person is one who has let another person's behaviour affect him or her and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behaviour.
I can totally identify with that definition. If you want to know if you might be codependent, here are some ways in which codependency might show up in your life and you might see yourself in these examples. These behaviours are from the website of the Mental Health America of Northern Kentucky and Southwest Ohio :
Many people define codependency by their behaviour, which may include:
always being attracted to alcoholics, drug addicts or similarly needy and emotionally unavailable people
feeling as if they must be in a relationship with someone, anyone, for their lives to be worthwhile
trying to control others behaviours, especially loved ones
feeling as if they are incapable of ending a relationship that they know is not good for them and they are unhappy in
trying to please everyone else and never taking time for themselves or even forgetting that they need to take care of themselves
One of the codependent behaviours that still shows up very much for me is the need to control others behaviours. These controlling behaviours that I display are more dominant when I feel stressed. When there's a lot of things happening in my life or there's been a lot of change. It could be the slightest upset to my regular schedule. And I call it upset because, well, I'm upset at this change!
When I was mega-stressed, my eye would twitch just like this!
I'll share a little bit about my own journey with codependency. For many, many years I didn't know codependency was a thing, I'd never heard of it, until I was seeing a therapist while being in a relationship with a self-harming alcoholic. It was a very volatile relationship and she presented this subject to me and asked me if I'd heard of codependency. She recommended I read a book by Melody Beattie which I ordered immediately. It was like somebody removed the shutters from my eyes. It was like WHOA- I am definitely codependent.
It was like somebody removed the shutters from my eyes. I was like “WHOA- I am definitely codependent.”
When I realized that I was codependent, I had been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 4 years. It was a very volatile, up and down rollercoaster relationship. A lot of emotional abuse. On top of alcohol, my partner was self-harming- cutting- to cope with pain.
Looking back there were obvious signs I was in a codependent relationship. Being with an alcoholic for instance. But some of the other ways it showed up for me was that I had no friends. My whole existence was to take care of him and the relationship. Anytime I was away from home or he was away, I would feel very very nervous and anxious. I would experience stomach cramps and shake until he'd come back. There was a lot of emotional abuse and violence. Not physical violence against me but objects being thrown, walls being punched. There was a lot of uncontrolled anger; screaming and yelling almost every night. I remember thinking "OK well the cops are going to show up anytime now".
My whole existence was to take care of him and the relationship.
This went on for four years, with a break in the middle, but I returned to the relationship. Your relationship becomes an addiction. Looking back, I knew after six months that this was not a good relationship and that I needed to get out. My intuition and gut knew that but I was so addicted that I had to stay. I stayed in the relationship all the while my gut was screaming at me "you need to get out", but I ignored it. I thought he'd change, and I'd focus on things like him seeing a therapist. I also made sure he was seeing his friends and family, that he was eating right, not drinking too much, I was controlling his food, making sure he was tending to all of those aspects of life, meanwhile ignoring all those things for myself.
I stayed in the relationship all the while my gut was screaming at me "you need to get out", but I ignored it. I thought he'd change, and I'd focus on things like him seeing a therapist.
I completely abandoned myself. I lost myself and I didn't even know it. I didn't even think that I was supposed to take care of myself. I didn't know that was a thing. It wasn't on my radar at all. It wasn't until I had no idea who I was anymore, I had no idea if what I was thinking or feeling was valid, I had no idea if I was living in reality. Four years in I got really sick. I actually lost my voice. Metaphor! My body was telling me, ‘ you've completely lost yourself and I'm going to make you see. Your voice is gone!’ I was sitting by myself the whole week, since he was unavailable to support me, he wasn't there. I was sitting there on the couch with all sorts of medications sprawled on the coffee table and I just realized: OK, I think this is it. I've done everything I could've possibly done. I'm at a cul-de-sac and there's nowhere to go. At that point I made the decision to leave the relationship.
After that I spent a lot of years finding my way back to myself. Finding things that brought me joy, like reconnecting with my body, my mind, my spirit. Reconnecting with friends and family. I was like a wilted, dried out flower, close to dying, slowly watering myself and slowly growing new shoots and recovering. It took a long time but today I'm in a place where I can live with my codependency and manage it and still have a healthy relationship.
Just like this!
So where does codependency start?
I was always convinced it started in that terrible relationship with that alcoholic. And it would be nice to think that's where something started, in your 20s or 30s because it's not quite as delicate and raw as saying, no, it probably started when you were 3 or 4 years old. I strongly encourage you to look at your formative years and look at the relationship you have with your parents and I can almost guarantee that you'll find the origin of codependency with your parents.
I also recommend looking at your parents' lives and how they grew up. Again, a big part of codependency is the addiction factor. What role did drugs, sex or alcohol play in your family? In my family there is a strong history of alcohol abuse. If I think about my parents' marriage, my Dad always drank. If I think back to my Grandparents marriage, they both drank and there was a lot of violence and physical abuse. If I go back another generation, even though I don't know the story entirely, I am certain there'll be alcohol abuse there as well.
How do you break free from your codependent tendencies?
One thing that's important to know is that codependency never goes away. You will always be codependent to some extent. You will always have tendencies and fall backs. Just like an alcoholic when they quit the drink, they will always be a recovering alcoholic. You manage the triggers around you and you take care of yourself but know there's always a chance you'll fall back into those old codependent patterns.
1) recognize that you have codependent tendencies or you're a full-blown codependent.
Once you become aware, you'll automatically expose yourself to learning more about it. All that is going to help you heal from it.
2) there's nothing wrong with you.
You were most likely super young when these behaviours started and that was just you as a little kid doing the best you could to fit into your environment, to be loved by your parents. We don't have a choice when we're little, we have to fit into our environment.
3) create a daily habit.
For me, I wake up in the morning and I spend 20minutes on the yoga mat and then meditate for another 15 minutes. I do a little bit of journaling or play with my tarot cards. That hour in the morning is my hour to tend to my body, mind and spirit. Create a routine and strengthen the relationship with yourself.
4) talk to a therapist, coach or counselor.
Someone who has experience with or has overcome codependency because that's going to help you so much! With my therapist's support I was able to leave that toxic relationship. She was with me during it, throughout the break up and when I started taking my first baby steps. It was so valuable.
5) come up with some affirmations that work for you.
For me an affirmation that helps me not control other people is: "I am only responsible for my own feelings. I am not responsible for the feelings or the behaviours of other people."
So what are some signs that you're recovering from codependency?
You know who you are and kind of like yourself!
You know what brings you joy, what brings you pain, what you like and what you don't like
You know what you want to do with your life
You may feel calmer when you leave your home
You don't think about your partner when you're not with them or when you do it's nice thoughts
You have strong friendships and people outside of your relationship that you do things with
BONUS: When you think about not being with your partner anymore, it doesn't pull the rug out from underneath you. You know you're going to be fine. You recognize it would be hard and very sad, but you also just know you'll be OK.
Do you have codependent tendencies? What stage of codependency are you at? Are you fully immersed in a codependent relationship or are you recovering?
If you want to talk further about this subject, I'd love to talk with you. Send me a message via my contact page!
If you are a woman and want to join the deeper conversation, come over to my fb group: Insane Calm Posse.