Ep 11- The Art Of Self-Love: Attracting A High Value Partner In A Dating App Era with Victoria Icenhower
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Welcome to Dating Greatly.
On today’s episode I chat with the beautiful Victoria Icenhower.
Victoria is the Self-Love Scientist; a sex coach for women who educates and empowers women to experience the best version of themselves through self-love practices.
Victoria and I talk about best and worst dates, how to exit a date elegantly, and how to start self-romancing yourself. Because after all…
We can buy ourselves flowers, we can hold our own hand. We can talk to ourselves for hours, about things that men just don’t understand.
Enjoy today’s episode!
Yvonne:
All right, so thank you so much for being here with me today, Victoria. I appreciate you coming on.
Victoria:
Thank you for having me. Yvonne.
Yvonne:
I'm super excited to get into your work and what you do, especially around the topics of self romancing and setting boundaries on dates. That's super juicy, interesting subject.
But before we get into that, I just want to ask you, what is the worst date you've ever been on?
Victoria:
All right. I'm laughing now. I was not laughing when it happened.
I was on Tinder, I matched with a man. There was, like, this attraction. I was drawn to him. He appeared to be confident, secure in his job, and we exchanged numbers. I appreciated the way he communicated with me.
So I drive up there, and we agreed that we would meet at a coffee shop, and the date was going to an art museum, drinking wine and then dinner. And I was like, wow, that sounds great. I love it.
So I go to the coffee shop. I can't find him. I'm looking for this broad shouldered man with slacks and a shirt.
And I'm like, Where is this guy? I was slightly catfished.
And I was like, okay, no, this is fine. This is the first date. It's always like the nerves, we'll just keep going. But you know how initially you're going to know intuitionally? Like, no!
So we go to the art museum. It's very awkward conversations, and they're not even genuinely interested. It's more like trivia. I felt like I was being not persecuted, but interrogated.
And we get to the cafe to order the wine, and I'm like, okay, this will be fine. He looks at me and he goes:
“ You look like you could use a glass of Sauvignon Blanc!”, which is a white wine. And I look at him, and I said:
“ No, thank you. I would like a glass of Cab Sauv or Malbec.”, something red and, like, darker, heavier, medium bodied. And he just kind of looks at me with this confused look, proceeds to turn around and goes:
” Two glasses of Sauvignon Blanc!”
And I'm like, first of all, did you not hear me and not respect what I just answered? It's one thing for a man to take initiative, but the fact that you completely did not listen to me?!
So he hands me this glass. We go sit down, and I'm like, I thought we were walking around to look at art. And he continues with these questions.
Eventually, we discover in these questions, like what do you look for in a man? What do you look for in a woman? Blah, blah, blah. And when I'm describing him, I even begin to realize that he's not checking any of my boxes. And he's like:
“ Wow, I'm none of those things! And that's okay, because there's a first time for everything, right?!”
And I'm like, oh, my God. And then he tries to hold my hand and I tell him, No Thank You.
I feel like I’m intimidating him. I’m having a hard time looking at him and smiling at him. I sit there and think to myself, we're supposed to have dinner. I don't think I'll make it.
So we get to the end because the museum is closing, and he's like, all right. So I'm thinking this place for dinner. And I look at him. I said, you know what? This is not working for me. I would really appreciate if you could take me back to my car.
And in the moment, I swear to you, that was probably in my early stages of discovering how I could just communicate. Even if it's like, I know there's a possibility that he's not going to like what I have to say.
I need to voice my truth because I respect quality time. Time is one of my love languages, and I respect my time too much. And I don't like the idea that he has hopes that it's going to go really well. I don't know what his intentions are, but I was already physically at a point where I could not be there.
And it was a test to see if I could stick to my boundaries. And I did, and that is my worst to do date.
Yvonne:
Awesome. I mean, not awesome, but thank you for sharing.
And I feel like with these worst dates, what's, like, a common denominator is like, that initial, that gut feeling that gets ignored.
Victoria:
I feel like because after that and this is where it kind of connects, there have been other dates after where I have been able to trust the gut initially.
Especially when it comes to human relationships, it's the attraction and the energy. And I'm at a point in my life now where it's like, women, you can have anyone you want. I know what I like, and I know what I desire, and I know what what turns me on so if none of that is catching my attention…
If I feel resistance, if my entire being is, like, swelling up, then I need to instinctively trust that immediately. And it's okay to say, you know what? This isn't working.
And so in other instances where I've had dates, I met someone. We went to a restaurant, which was a lot closer to me, and they drove down, and I was like it was really awkward conversations because it was that, like, you said, the gap in talk. Because to me, it was like, I don't think we're genuinely interested in each other at all. So I think that we should call this a night. And that was, like, maybe 20 or 30 minutes in.
I now know that it's okay to do that because sometimes the guy feels the same way, but they don't know. Some of them don't know, and they're not really ready to have that conversation. Until you bring it up. So most of the time they think you're having a good time. And I'm like, communication. Oh, my God. Communication.
There's a quote:
Communication is lubrication! Like, let's talk. Be honest with me. Tell me the truth, because I honor and respect your time as I respect mine.
So if you desire to be elsewhere, if you’re not fully in this with me right now, then please state it and excuse yourself. If this isn’t a Hell Yes, it’s a No! If there’s any resistance, pass. You’re no longer a convenience. You’re an investment, a destination, a journey.
Yvonne:
I imagine it was quite the journey, the transformation, to get from the point of just kind of not being able to voice your discomfort to this point now where you are just clearly setting these boundaries.
You know what you want, you know what feels good. You know when you're compatible with someone. And you're now working with women to educate and empower them to express themselves and to express themselves.
So can you tell me a little bit more about your journey? When did this journey start for you? It usually starts with a low point. So when did the journey start for you?
Victoria:
It actually started it's pretty fresh at this time, so a year ago, which is insane.
So about a year ago, I was in a difficult, pivotal moment of my life. At the time I was married, I had a house, dogs, a few jobs and a partner.
And I felt very disconnected. I felt like my health was getting worse. I was not a fan of the behaviors I was doing. I was literally going out to distract myself from the emptiness I was feeling.
And I was sitting in my bathroom and I was just sobbing. I felt so alone. And I remember sitting there thinking to myself how I kept envisioning a lifestyle where I could be free and feel safe and trusting and worthy, because I kept looking for it outside of myself. I've done everything, but why does it not feel enough? And I don't know where to go from here.
And out of nowhere, it was like this crossroads.
I was standing in front of a crossroads and it was like, if we go left, you're going to be back here. You know it, I know it. And that's fine, because you're choosing to stay consistent and comfortable for these people.
If you go right, there is a life here. And I could feel the freedom, the joy. I could hear laughter, and it felt just juicy and ready for me to bite. And it was like, if you go right, that means you're getting ready to lose everything you thought you needed, which was a divorce. And I went right.
And the moment my subconscious made that decision, it had already been made, like months ago. I was in that mourning process. I was already mourning the loss without even realizing it!
At that moment, I decided, I said, I can do this. I'm going to do this! And it was the first time I stood up for myself. I stood up and chose me.
And in that moment, I realized, I got me. I am enough for me.
During that process of moving here and this healing and getting to know this new woman and who do I desire to be now? What do I want to do?
I learned that I had a lot of- because with divorce, your identity is gone. Everything I thought I was supposed to be, everything who I thought went with it. And so now I'm left with this: me.
And I did a lot of inner reflection. I felt guilt. I felt shame. I was angry. I was sad. I had relationships come and go because of it. And I realized that I had a lot of limiting beliefs around sex. I realized that I had tried so hard to make him and his pleasure a priority, never really realizing that I had the option for my own.
I discovered that at a young age, my vision of what sex was supposed to look like in relationships was not aligned with what I deeply desired.
And so I started dating myself, and I let go of those limiting beliefs that sex was not just a one sided thing. It's not just women are objects and blah, blah, blah.
I went from being super self conscious about showing up to taking my own selfies, getting a Boudoir shoot.
I adore women. I always compliment them, and I'm like: oh, my God, she's so beautiful! And I praise them. And I started treating myself with the utmost respect, with what I had wanted in my relationship.
And when I realized I could do that for myself, it completely just blew my mind! I was like, wow. This whole time, I was hoping and waiting and pushing and trying to change this other person when I really needed to just change myself and make that hard decision to start over.
And with letting those beliefs go, discovering self pleasure, which unlocks a whole another power in a woman, I was like, I need to share this!
When I got finally ready to jump into dating, which was like, I haven't dated in years!
And it was actually one of my girlfriends. She helped me because I tried to do I'm an extrovert, so I love going out and meeting people organically. And it just wasn't working. My girlfriend's like, just download Tinder. Just try it!
And so I made a profile. I can't tell you I've got great stories. And I've also had some of the really the most fun. I had some of the greatest lovers. And even in the moment and when I think about it now, I was at a point then even in my body, I felt safe. I was able to communicate my needs.
I was treated to a standard that I had never seen before, but I had secretly desired for so long. And it was like, this is available to me!
Yvonne:
Did you noticed that right from the start, when you downloaded Tinder? How did you get to this point where you were being met with such a high standard and you got to meet these really good men that fulfilled you in some way?
Victoria:
It happened quick, to be honest! One of the first guys I actually met with, my first date blew me out of the water! He was hot. He was attentive. And I remember feeling like, this is too good. And I remember just being with him. And at one point he was cooking dinner, and I was like, yeah, let me help. He's like, no. He's like, have a seat. I'm going to get you a glass of wine. And I just want you to keep looking beautiful and put on whatever you want to watch. And I'm going to cook. And I'm like I'm sorry. What?
I had been in my masculine for so long, I didn't know what it was like to be with someone to allow me to be in my feminine. So now that is something I desire in dating, partnerships, anything like that.
Yvonne:
For women that have been in their masculine, I can identify with that as well. To tap into the feminine and let go, there has to be that element of safety with a person. So you must have been attracting partners that felt safe. What do you think the key was to that?
Victoria:
I think the key to attract a partner where I felt safe was having the confidence in myself to start dating and also trusting myself to know.
I want to say because there's fear, there's fear in not just dating. But even when you want to do something new, you have to trust yourself that is this sustainable? Is it ecological? Are you jumping off a bridge or are you going to a new coffee shop?
I think being able to attract a partner where you felt safe is because you trusted yourself. You learned to trust. I didn't ask my girlfriend like should I go out with this guy? No, I did that on my own. And that builds that confidence and we need that.
Yvonne:
Yeah, definitely. So often we go to others to get our validation and it can be like, well I'm just getting support from my girlfriend. But is it support or is it just not trusting yourself and your own ability to make a decision?
So in terms of building that trust for other women that might not have that yet, that don't trust themselves. What would you recommend as kind of like a first step to kind of build that up so they can be kind of show up online or in the dating world?
Victoria:
I would say for the women who are not feeling comfortable or not trusting to receive to start that initiation of self love.
I want you to start learning more about what it is you love about yourself and what it is you desire. And then see what comes up.
Whether it's through journaling, pinterest boards or if you're sitting there at a coffee shop or at a bar and you see a couple and you're very envious.
Well, what is it about that you're envious of? Is it because that's something you want but you feel that you don't deserve? And then what's underneath that?
And that's something I with my clients is like, we go deeper and deeper into this layering of these beliefs that you have that you feel unworthy of receiving.
Because I felt unworthy of receiving pleasure myself because my idea of a lifestyle was, everyone around me has to be happy or I'm not doing enough. And when I got to the point where everyone was pleased but I was not, I didn't know how to comprehend that. So it took a dark fall to realize that, wait a minute, my needs do matter, my feelings are valid.
So it's initiating yourself into that self loving practice of I am worthy of receiving this and it's okay to desire something.
“ I could never do, that I could never have that.”" It's like, okay, why not you? I think all comes back to the way you value yourself.
Yvonne:
What you just said, it brought up so much stuff for me. So what you mentioned about the like, if you're out and you notice couples that you're envious of.
I would have this in the relationship. I would notice that we'd be out somewhere and I would notice another couple and I'd be like and it was always when I noticed a couple was touchy feely hugging or the man would stand behind and hug the woman. Or there was just physical touch.
I'm like you. So it's quality time and physical touch. They were out together and they were touching each other. And I was like, please! And then my partner just that was not his love language.
So I was always seeking that, but the relationship I attracted was not that at all.
I used to watch I still do like, watching Instagram reels. And there's lots of videos with proposals.
Have you seen these videos of men when the woman is on her period, and these men are like cooking things. And even as I'm telling you, I'm like mocking it. So a part of me was repulsed, but then I tuned in and I was like, that's what I want. I'm not repulsed by it. I think I can't have it. So I'm like, this is all fake. This isn't real.
And same with these romantic gestures. I always pretended that I didn't like it at all, that it was cringey. No, that's what I desired. And there's still a part of me that believes that she can't get that.
Yeah, it's about really unpacking the stuff. What do you really want but you actually don't feel you deserve it?
Victoria:
I feel you. I hear you so much. That was me. My girlfriend's like, let's watch a chick flick. I was like, eww, no! I don't want to watch that. Because I secretly craved and desired romance.
A year ago, I would tell you I'm a hopeless romantic. Now I tell people I'm a hopeful romantic because I romance myself now.
Like, I take myself out to dinner. I went to a jazz thing last weekend. I'm going to go to a hockey game this weekend. Just doing that and indulging myself, dressing up and wooing this woman is how I'm going to be able to draw in that partner.
And then when I had these dates, I went to some really nice restaurants. I went to this really nice airbnb and the way I was able to surrender but before, I would be like, eww, romance is so corny!
Yvonne:
You know what? For years I avoided watching The Notebook. I'm like, no, I'm not going to watch that! So literally, I watched The Notebook about three nights ago for the first time with my girlfriend, and it's like the best movie ever. And same thing. I think I avoided it because that's what I want. So now I just embraced it. I was like, yes, this love is like, this is good love!
So you're pretty much like, manifesting that kind of love, that kind of romance, that kind of high value man by mirroring what you want that partner to do. You're taking yourself out to these fancy restaurants, doing fun things. Yeah, that makes so much sense.
So you go to these places, you do this on your own by yourself?
Victoria:
Before I was on the apps, I was doing these things, like, taking myself out on these dates.
Then I took a break from the dating apps because they can be very energy draining. When I did that, I remembered, oh that’s right!
Like Miley Cyrus says: I can buy myself flowers and I can take myself dancing!
I started doing those things again. When I’m able to bring myself these things I desire to do, I’m emitting from a place of love and pleasure. It just spreads out.
So when you're in this role of a woman who's like, I'm a high value woman. I deserve this. I deserve this. You're going to attract the man who desires you.
Whether or not he is the man for you is a whole other story. Because you can have a couple of guys come out of the woodworks and be like, Hey Girl! And just because he says, Hey, does not mean you want to have him! Let me tell you that right now!
However, let's say these guys are coming through, or you get back on the dating apps and you do attract the man who’d love to take you to this restaurant, or let's go see this show. Or he finds this out about you and he's taking initiative, and you're able to receive that because you've given it to yourself. Just like with self love practices.
You're able to surrender your body during sex and really enjoy the buildup of orgasm because you're able to trust you trust your body, and you're just in complete bliss.
It's glorious.
Yvonne:
Amazing!
I just want to go back to the self romancing part and treating yourself and doing these things, because I know even for myself, if I think about taking myself out for dinner, sure, I'll order me a pizza and I'll get some takeout. But to sit down in a restaurant by myself, that is a little bit intimidating.
What was the first time you took yourself out on a date? What did that look like and how did you feel and how did it go?
Victoria:
I love this story.
The first time I took myself out was before I was even on the apps. I was craving intimacy. I was craving romance. And I was sitting there, and I realized, I was thinking about where I lived. I was thinking about the clothes I had. And I said, oh, I could do it!
And I remember getting dressed. I wore this really cute sweater dress. I got my hair up, my earrings, and I drive over there to the nicest restaurant in town.
And I remember walking in and feeling so awkward.
Like, my confidence was like ERRRGH and at the same time, I was like, I need to put myself in these situations because at the end of the day, I don't want to go to sleep wish I would have tried.
So I go to the bar and I have a seat, I look at the menu, and I'm being treated so well, and the servers are so sweet to me! I order my food in a glass of wine, red wine to be exact, not Sauvignon Blanc.
And I remember eating this meal because it was so good! Have you seen the movie When Harry Met Sally? When she's having the orgasm at the table? The food was so good! I remember eating it, and just like my eyes rolled in the back of my head, it tasted so good!
And all I could think about was just how good it felt to be there in that moment. And then I finally felt brave and proud of myself for putting myself in this situation.
And as I'm enjoying my meal, I’m people watching.
This older couple was sitting by me, and they look at me and they're like:
“How is everything?” And I'm like:
“Oh, my God, it's so good!” And the husband or her partner, he's like:
“ Are you waiting for someone?” And I said:
“ No, it's just me!” And he goes:
“ Oh, so you're here alone!” And the woman, his wife says:
“ She's not alone! Honey, you're just free!”
I was like, Oh, my God, you're right! You're so right! And I just sat there, and I was like, Oh my God, she's right. You're never alone. And I wasn't. There were people all around me.
Ever since they said that to me, I've been able to go out even more on my own and just give myself that experience. This whole experience tastes good.
Ladies, you're a five course meal!
You're not just the appys. You're not just the salad, you’re all of it!
With the Champagne!
Making those experiences for yourself helps and it gets easier and easier!
Yvonne:
So I want to know, from all the work you've done, what has been your best date so far?
Victoria:
My best date? Oh, man…
Yvonne:
I want to know what movie is playing in your head right now!
Victoria:
Going through my files!
It’s a tie, it’s the same person but two different times.
The one time we took that trip to the airbnb, that in itself, the whole weekend was like a big date.
But just the way I felt that entire time, I felt like a Queen. And he was so sweet, so handsome. He had the most beautiful eyes. They spoke in Italian, too. Bonus! We were able to have these great conversations. There were so many great things about it.
I would say the runner up would probably be I went to Paris. I took myself to Paris. I literally I met a local there. He was French. And when I tell you, like, it was one of those movie things where I walk by and we look at each other and then do the whole turnaround thing.
I eventually go to his restaurant. He worked at a restaurant. Then we end up having drinks and then dinner, and he taught me to slow down and really appreciate things.
And I think what I loved about that was he was so interested in me. Tell me More, and I wasn't used to talking so much! The fact that he knew the language and would order for me, and then he was such a gentleman, and, oh, my God, that's my runner up!
Top 2!
Yvonne:
Wow, those are beautiful dates!
Victoria:
I think what we get wrong about dating is if you're not with a partner, then there must be something wrong with me.
No, there isn't. Or what we can get wrong about dating is sometimes we think that they're the only person, and that's not true either.
The thing where it's like, he's not worth crying over and you're allowed to experience these emotions. Just don't let them define who you really are and your worth, because there are amazing guys out there who will be so lucky to be in your presence, to be in your energy, to worship you.
Bad dates happen. But then there are really great dates, and just because it went wrong does not mean you're unlovable or you're undatable. That's completely false.
If a man doesn't respect my worthiness and I put my boundaries up and they weren't respected so now they're not here. That doesn't make me unworthy, that just makes me strong.
Because women need to respect themselves enough to not settle for less than they deserve. It’s so easy to say yes because it's shiny. It's so easy to say yes because he says you're pretty, but babe, no, you're not only gorgeous but you're a Queen.
He needs to lay it all out for you and you need to lay it all out and feel it for yourself too.
And you're allowed to take time off!
Yvonne:
That's a great point.
Victoria:
Yeah, because we feel obligated and pressured to be with someone.
My family was surprised that the divorce happened and so I'm living on my own. When they were my age they were married with children. So there's this stigma between like you shouldn't be on your own and it's like actually, yes, I can!
So there's that pressure of I have to go find someone, when in reality you just have to find yourself first.
When you're ready, go put yourself out there, have some fun, you'll get hurt and that's okay. And then if you need to take a break from it, that means nothing about you. That just means that you deserve some time for yourself.
And even if you're dating, make sure you date yourself to remember like yeah, that's right, I am a high value woman.
I have had men drive over an hour just to come see me. And I've had men who live less than that tell me that I'm too far away. The right people put in the time for you as long as you've done that yourself.
Yvonne:
So taking us out today, if you could give the women that are listening just one piece of advice, what would that be?
Victoria:
Invest in yourself. Treat yourself. Worship yourself first. Learn to love this woman. And then when you do, you're going to attract in these kinds of relationships. What you're projecting for yourself is what you're going to receive from others.
Yvonne:
And finally, last question for you. What are you dancing to right now?
Victoria:
Okay, so there's a song. I'm laughing because it's hilarious. It’s called Mrs Nasty by Megan The Stallion.
Her whole vibe is like big Queen energy. Every time that song comes on, I remind myself, like, Yeah! I get so pumped for myself!
Yvonne:
So where can women that are interested in your story, which will be everyone, where can we find out more about you, work with you, etc?
Victoria:
Yes, I'm on Instagram @victoria_icenhower. I'm also on Facebook with @VictoriaIcenhowerLotuslifestyle, and then you can email me at Victoria.Lotuslifestyle@gmail.com.
Instagram and Facebook have the links that go to my baby website. It's a small one, but that's got all of my offerings and then my contacts.
Yvonne:
And I'll be sure to list the links in the show notes as well. So if anyone's interested, just check the show notes of this episode.
It's been such a treat talking with you today! I would love to do it again in the future! And just thank you so much for being here and sharing your story and your work with us.
Victoria:
Thank you for having me, Yvonne. I had such a good time going down memory lane. It was nice to be in your space, so thank you. Thank you, thank you.
Yvonne:
Thank you.
LINKS:
Connect with Victoria:
Insta- @victoria_icenhower
Join the Groundbreaking Sacred Sex Coaching Program- BLOOM 1:1 coaching
Dating Greatly Playlist on Spotify- an uplifting playlist of dance tracks, curated by Dating Greatly guests<3