Ep 18- What Your Sexual Preferences Say About You And Your Partner
Welcome to Dating Greatly.
I speak with sexologist Ana Lopez, who helps us understand what our preferences in the bedroom say about us, how to communicate our needs to our partners (without hurting their feelings) and how we can unlock mind-blowing orgasms!
This episode is about embracing the messiness of sex and finding fulfillment from honest communication. Instead of having a love-making session come to a full-stop because of an awkward moment, my guest will share communication secrets that will help you and your partner recover from oopsies in a loving way!
Enjoy this juicy episode!
Yvonne [00:00:20]:
Well, thank you, Anna, for being here with me today and for joining me on the show.
Ana [00:00:28]:
Yeah, of course.
Yvonne [00:00:30]:
Awesome. I am excited to talk to you about all things sex and relationships and having mind blowing orgasms whenever we want. So I thought I'd start and just ask you, if you look back on your dating and relationship life, where are you at today in your sexuality and sex life compared to maybe ten years ago when you first started dating and having relationships?
Ana [00:01:05]:
Such a loaded and juicy question. In such a good way. Yeah. So I think ten years ago, I'm like, how old am I? I think ten years ago, I was at a point where I had orgasmed, and I was really trying to figure out how that worked. Right. I kind of vaguely understood, okay, we maybe do some things that I like, and then somehow, by miracle or whatever, I orgasm. And I was really interested in, how can I get this more often and more frequent? Because the people that I talked to, it was like, all over the board, there were people that hadn't orgasmed. And when I say people, specifically, like women presenting folks of, like they had an orgasm, there were people that were always orgasming.
There were people in the middle. So they were all over the spectrum. And I was like, okay, this is not just a me thing. What is going on? And at the time, I was with a partner, kind of like off and on. And I had had my first orgasm with him, and I was really under the impression, like, oh, he's the one that caused my orgasm, because I have had sex with other people before him, and it's never happened, so there must be something special about him. So we were like, as I mentioned, we were like, off and on. And so during our off time, I ended up dating someone else, having sex with him. And he was like an entirely different person, obviously, because he was a different person.
But his body shape was different entirely down to stature. All of that body composition, all of that. His genitalia was different, right? Absolutely. Everything was different about him. And the way that we had sex was different as well. Like, the positions that we were in. And then because his body composition was so different, the way that we kind of fit together was different.
Yvonne [00:03:10]:
Right.
Ana [00:03:11]:
Like, individuals that are listening to this that may have had sex with multiple partners may notice that you don't always fit together the same way with every single person. And I orgasmed with him almost like instantaneously, like the first time that we had sex. And I was like, this is fascinating. What is this about? And so ended up breaking it off with him like a couple of months later or whatever. And I was like, no, I need to figure out, because I'm the common denominator, how can I orgasm independent of what these people are doing? Because they're not always going to be willing to do the thing that I want to do. And so really figuring out what is it that I actually like when I am orgasming, what is causing that? And it's not the person, it's like the thing that's happening, like, what in my body is being stimulated that is allowing for this orgasm to actually happen.
Yvonne [00:04:07]:
Okay, so research ensued.
Ana [00:04:11]:
Yes.
Yvonne [00:04:15]:
Awesome. And what did you discover? What did you come up with? What was it in your body that was, I guess, conveying that message of.
Ana [00:04:25]:
Yeah, so, like so many things. And I like to kind of summarize is that I really learned one, what it is that I, like, I mentioned what made my body tick or what felt really good for me and also my limitations. Right. If I was noticing at a certain point in my cycle, if I knew that I was going to be tender or something like that, that was really helpful versus being in the moment and like, oh, that really hurt. And now I'm kind of like out of the mood and not because it was any fault of theirs, but really getting in tune with my body and how my cycle is and things like that. And so that was really learning about understanding my body and also then learning to speak up, right. Really saying like, hey, I actually like this thing and having that communication and not just being like, hey, do this. Hey, don't do that.
But really having that effective communication and effective communication for me means just really centering me and my perspective because I don't know what the other person is thinking or feeling. I don't know what's going on in their mind. Although I like to think that I do sometimes and I know that we all do this, right. I like to approach it from, this is my experience. And leaving an open ended question at the end of what are your thoughts about this? Or presenting a solution and having them give me their thoughts because I don't know what they're thinking. And so that's both outside of the bedroom and in the moment as well, of learning to help individuals redirect without it being a blunt. Hey, don't do that. I don't like that being more of like, what if you did that over here instead and making it really playful and not having those abrupt stops? Although abrupt stops still do happen depending on the circumstance, and that is totally fine.
But when you want to continue the session, really learning how to have that communication in the moment. And the last thing is really learning how to relax into the session. I am a very heady, analytical person, still am to this day. And really being able to get into my body in the moment. Right. And a lot of people, I hear this all the time. I wish I could just turn off my mind while I'm having sex. And it's really not about turning off your mind, because one that's not possible, as you may know, your mind is always going, even when we're sleeping.
It's really about focusing on what's happening in the moment versus what does my face look like, what does my body look like right now? Did I wash the dishes? Like, all of those things? It's really about focusing on what's happening in the moment.
Yvonne [00:07:28]:
Yeah. And like you just said, a lot of people have that. I can't shut my mind up. And I feel like, especially women, we tend to be in our heads and in the moment, even have doubts and feel insecure about ourselves or about the to do list or whatever is going on in our lives. And I found had that for quite some time. And now what I find is if I engage my senses to bring myself back, even if it's like, maybe it's not feeling, like, amazing in my body or there's not much happening in terms of pleasure, but maybe I tune into the skin of my partner and just look at his skin or the feel of his skin or his smell, something like that usually helps me tap back in and get out of the mind.
Ana [00:08:19]:
Totally.
Yvonne [00:08:19]:
And for me, another thing that's big is with this communication is communicating to my partner how much I value eye contact and that it's like a sense of comfort and safety for me. I'll notice, like, oh, I haven't made eye contact. I'll notice I will need that. And communicating that rather than just sitting in that. And then the mind starts being active.
Yvonne [00:08:42]:
Yeah, totally. And as you mentioned, that actually something that came to mind was that, yes, communicating with your partner, we want to do that. And I often think that we get into this space of where we expect, oh, I need something, or I want something. And we almost have this expectation that we have to get it from our partner, as if that is the only way that we can get it. And I really like to think about just as, like I was mentioning with a conversational piece of centering yourself, like, how can I get more of what I want with my partner and without my partner, right. So you mentioned eye contact, and what stood out to me and made me think of this was like, you're like, oh, I haven't made eye contact. So it's like, okay, maybe if I'm actually looking at my partner, maybe he will look at me. And if he doesn't, then that is a conversation that we can have in the moment.
Yvonne [00:09:37]:
Right. Or just comment being made. But it's like, oftentimes it's almost like we're defaulting to our partner to do the thing when it's like, let's try to get more of what we want on our own and then see what happens from there.
Yvonne [00:09:54]:
And just reflecting on that with the eye contact, for me, it's like, how do I am craving that right now? I'm needing that right now. So how do I be that sense of safety and comfort to myself and how am I showing up? Like you said, am I making that eye contact? And I noticed that a lot of times I'll close my eyes, but it's not because I'm like, oh, enjoying the sensation. It's actually, this is maybe really intense right now, or I'm feeling a little bit scared, so I'm just going to close my eyes, go within, get my confidence, and kind of come back.
Yvonne [00:10:26]:
Yeah. I think that really ties into the understanding your body and knowing that that works for you. Right. There may be another person listening that's like, oh, eye contact makes me feel really safe. And they may not even notice that they're closing their eyes most of the time, so that's why they're not getting eye contact. Maybe their partner is staring at them the whole time and they don't know because their eyes are closed most of the time. Right. And so it's really about having that awareness.
Yvonne [00:10:51]:
And it sounds like you have a lot of that already. And so for the people listening, noticing, are you aware or are you just kind of doing things without even having any thought about it?
Yvonne [00:11:06]:
Yeah. And for the longest time, I'd have sex, my eyes would be almost permanently closed, but that was because I didn't feel safe with my partner. I stayed within. And that, to me, was like, a safe way to feel the sensations and feel the pleasure, but not have to be I guess so vulnerable in my state of usually nakedness. And that's like, the ultimate. Sex is the ultimate form of vulnerability. And then if you add eye contact, at least from my point of view, it's like, oh, my God, this is intense. Yeah, that was a good realization.
Yvonne [00:11:39]:
But it took me a long time to reaLize, oh, actually, I have my eyes closed. And that's not because I'm enjoying it. It's because I feel safer here.
Yvonne [00:11:46]:
Yeah, I love that you say, in essence, this is why I'm doing this. This is why I like eye contact. And I think for the people listening, why are you doing the things that you are doing, or why are you desiring the things that you desire? Not in a sense of like, well, why do you want that? Right. But of a curiosity. What is the reason behind that? Not that it's bad or wrong that you want these things or that you do these things, or even that you like these things, whatever these things are. But what is it that? Let's get down to the true desire of it. It's not necessarily about the eye contact for you. It's like, what the eye contact means and what that helps create for you and your body.
Yvonne [00:12:29]:
And so really thinking about, like, oh, well, I like when my partner, I don't know, touches my back or something. I don't know. Right. Okay. Why? Not that that's bad. Not that you can't desire that, not that you can't ask for more of that. But what is really behind that? Because maybe your partner, I don't know, it's uncomfortable for him to touch your back while you all having sex, whatever. But if you know the root of it, of, like, this is what I'm actually looking for, it helps create safety for me.
Yvonne [00:12:59]:
Okay, then maybe you can have a conversation about what are other ways that we can create safety. Right. Going back to your eye contact example, maybe your partner, it doesn't sound like this is the case, but maybe you brought it up to your partner and he's like, actually, it's really intimidating for me to make eye contact with people. That's not my thing. And for him that feels unsafe or uncomfortable or whatever. And so then you two would have a conversation about how can we create this safety while also not making another person uncomfortable as well. Right. It's about coming together because this is an activity for two or more and figuring out how can we really create safety and comfortability for everybody involved.
Yvonne [00:13:41]:
And really getting down to that root of why is it that you want the thing that you want in the first place, can really open up the doors for that versus, like, no, I absolutely have to have eye contact. There's no other options available.
Yvonne [00:13:56]:
Yeah. And what role do you think a partner plays in tapping into discovering these things? What role do you think a partner could play in that?
Yvonne [00:14:10]:
Yeah. So I definitely think they can help you create more awareness. And it's almost like, unintentionally. Right. Because your partner may do something to you that you can't do yourself, or they just happen to be in the moment doing whatever it is that they're doing. And it's really a space for you to be more aware, because we naturally, humans just do this naturally. We're just, like, going about our day doing whatever we're doing in sex or otherwise, and not really thinking twice about it yet. When someone else does something to us, it almost forces us to have this awareness.
Yvonne [00:14:53]:
And so I think really having a partner opens up, I guess, for lack of better word, like an easier place of awareness. And with that said, I really think that it's up to the individual to have that awareness, because honestly, you're the only one that can do it for yourself. Right. No one else can point it. Maybe your partner can point out things that you do. And I think it's a lot more powerful when you're able to kind of bring that awareness on your own, because a lot of times individuals, and I'm not saying that this is not a possibility, but typically, when our intimate partners point something out, oftentimes we become defensive, and that's totally normal and nothing has gone wrong. And I think really learning. I think it's easier to learn to become aware of my partner is doing something and creating awareness there versus let me wait until my partner points something out and then have that place of contention and then come to awareness.
Yvonne [00:16:00]:
It's just like a longer path. So I think creating the awareness first kind of helps avoid those places of contention in the relationship in terms of.
Yvonne [00:16:10]:
Communicating this and in terms of communicating sexual desires and your needs, especially when people are first dating and getting into relationships. Do you have any recommendations of when to have that conversation? Or how was that for you? Were you always comfortable communicating your needs and desires? Or was it a longer process?
Yvonne [00:16:35]:
Yeah, I think I'm trying to remember. I'm very loud, so I just say whatever. I'm not even loud. I'm just very direct and straightforward. So I remember being very comfortable, and still to this day, I'm very comfortable outside of sex, having that conversation. I think former me, when I was in the moment, it was a little harder for me to be like, I don't really like this. And it's not because I wasn't afraid to say, like, hey, I actually don't like this. It was more so I didn't want to say it because I had nothing to, I didn't know what I wanted.
Yvonne [00:17:20]:
And so I was just like, well, if I say I don't want this, then what? Then what is going to happen? Like, do we just stop? And so when I got really familiar with my body and like, oh, I actually like these things and created that awareness, and I was like, okay, now I have something to say. Whereas before I was like, sure, I could stop, but then the session would stop. And I didn't really want the session to stop. It wasn't necessarily uncomfortable. It was just like, I'm not really a fan of this. And so I'm just kind of here. And so it was really about learning, oh, what is it that I actually want? So that I can tell them because I had no idea. Right?
Yvonne [00:18:05]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:18:06]:
And now that I do know, I'm able to redirect. So if my partner is doing something that I like, but maybe I don't say on the wrong body part, but maybe on a body part that I don't necessarily want him to do. So, for example, let's imagine that he's playing with my nipples, and I'm like, I'm not really feeling that today. Right. I love what you're doing, and I would love it even more if you would do that on my clit or if you would do this, I don't know, on my stomach or whatever, it doesn't matter. You get to decide. But it's just about redirecting. And that is a really smooth way to move on in the sexual scene.
Yvonne [00:18:47]:
Because no one wants to be in the wrong. No one wants to do anything. No one wants to displease their partner. So sometimes when it's just like, I don't like that. Stop that. It's just very blunt way of. So the redirection I can see just helping that person still feel confident and still feel good about what they're doing and not have it be this hard. Stop.
Yvonne [00:19:12]:
Because we do take that personal. Then we, the stories about, oh, what did I do? Did I hurt them? Or, oh, I suck at this, or we get in our heads and create these stories that are not beneficial to anyone and then the session is over.
Yvonne [00:19:26]:
Yeah, definitely. And it can be really jarring for people, especially individuals that have been maybe on the receiving end of some kind of trauma or just whatever. And so for many people, it can kind of decrease that jarring stop, can really decrease arousal. And so it's like, maybe the session now is over, and it could have been avoided by kind of flowing in that way. I know there are times, though, I have some pelvic pain, and I have chronic pain, so let's just generalize. And so sometimes I'll be like, oh. Because I'm a very vocal person, so I'll be having sex, and I'll be like, ooh. And I don't mean to say it out loud, it kind of just happens.
Yvonne [00:20:10]:
And it was just like, one wrong move, and it kind of felt funky. But I'm fine. And my partner is like, okay, complete stop. And I try not to, but that's just my body's way of kind of processing that pain. And I'm like, no, it's fine. It was just a little hiccup or whatever. And we've gotten to a point where we're able to continue, but it's about continuously checking in, are you in pain? And trying to push through or what's going on? Being really aware of that as well.
Yvonne [00:20:42]:
And being honest with ourselves in those moments, too, because sometimes it can just be like a quick, like, okay, that was uncomfortable. I totally identify with you. I make those sounds. My partner is like, uhoh, did that hurt you? And that's the last thing he wants to do. And also being honest with myself, like, yes, that hurt. And I actually don't want this anymore. Or like, no, that was fine. I would like to continue.
Yvonne [00:21:10]:
But being honest with ourselves about our own boundaries in those moments, because I believe, especially as women, we tend to want to please or accommodate those around us. So sometimes we can push through. But what you said about going with the flow in that moment, really honor your flow, because I think if we push through or force something, it's never going to have a positive effect on either person.
Yvonne [00:21:40]:
Yeah, definitely. Yeah, I'm thinking about times where I'm like, okay, yeah, that kind of hurt. And, yes, it's a definite yes for me that I want to continue going, and I feel okay to do so. And I think that feeling okay to do so is probably the most important part, because there are times that I still do want to keep doing something, but it doesn't feel good. Why am I continuing to do it right, regardless of the reason, but being really cognizant of that, of like, yes, I may want to do this, and also, am I feeling okay to do it. Because there are times that yesterday, for example, perfect example, last night we were watching a movie and I really wanted some popcorn and I was like, I'm just not hungry, though. And I know if I eat it, I'm going to feel horrible because I get bloated really badly, especially at night. And I was like, I'm going to be so bloated when I go to bed and I'm going to feel, like, disgusted and I'm not going to be able to sleep.
Yvonne [00:22:39]:
And so I didn't eat, but I was like, that is like a perfect example of, yes, I wanted it, but I wasn't okay to go through with it. And so thinking about it in that context of sex as well, of like, you may actually physically and mentally desire to continue going and your body may not be able to do that at that moment in time. Right? Or maybe it could, but your body isn't ready to do that. And maybe that Just means you stop penetration. Maybe that just means you adjust. Right. But really being cognizant of that, of like, is my body actually okay to continue?
Yvonne [00:23:18]:
Yeah. And thinking of the consequences of that, even though it might feel okay in the moment or you're into it in the moment, what does that mean? Further down the road?
Yvonne [00:23:30]:
Yeah, totally. I know I've pushed myself before and been like, oh, now my body hurts.
Yvonne [00:23:38]:
Now my body hurts.
Yvonne [00:23:39]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:23:42]:
Talking about flow, and I know you mentioned it earlier about where you're at in your cycle. And I find the cycle is so important for women and with sex and also all areas of our life, looking at our cycle and honoring where we are at and adjusting our lifestyle if we're able to around our cycle. So, yeah, I was wondering if you can talk a little bit more about that. When did you gain the awareness of your cycle and how do you incorporate that into your sex life?
Yvonne [00:24:17]:
Yeah, I was always really fortunate to have a fairly regular cycle for years and now I don't, which boggles my mind and annoys me, but whatever. So it's when I went from having a regular cycle to having a semi irregular cycle is when I started really creating that awareness. I was always fairly aware of when I was going to actually start bleeding and all of that. And that was very helpful. I was also very aware of my sex drive throughout my cycle. So for me, leading up to actually bleeding is when I would feel, like the most desire that I wanted to have sex the most. And even on my cycle, we're always on our cycle, but when I'm actually bleeding was when I actually wanted to have sex the most. And just really just creating that awareness.
Yvonne [00:25:17]:
There are just kind of like, patterns that I noticed. And I think it was because I was fortunate enough to have a typical regular cycle. Now that it is irregular, I actually use those same indicators of like, oh, I'm noticing that my desire is increasing, like tenfold. And that is how I can kind of determine, like, oh, maybe I'm actually going to get my period this month because I have pCos, so I can actually go like months without a cycle and it's totally normal. Normal, I don't know, but it goes with my body. And so I am actually able to use those indicators of like, okay, maybe my hormones are changing in some way when I'm noticing an increased drive over days at a time. And so I think for the people listening, being really cognizant of how does your desire change, if at all, when you are, at what point in your cycle are there pain levels? Right. So for me, my breasts and my pecs will get really tender.
Yvonne [00:26:26]:
And so I'm like, okay, this is something to keep in mind so that I can communicate that with my partner because they don't know if I'm in pain, right, unless I'm saying it. And so reminding them, like, hey, I actually really like when you play with my breast. And also today is not a good day. I normally love this, and also I'm in pain, so don't do it. Or for some people, they also get like, vulvar pain or vaginal pain. And so really keeping that in mind that it's not necessarily that you don't want to have sex and maybe you don't, and that's okay too. But really communicating that with your partner of like, hey, actually I'm having some pain right now or discomfort or whatever, and it's actually not a good time for me to have sex, or maybe it's just not a good time to have penetration and that's okay. But I think having that conversation with your partner, so it's not just this abrupt, like, no, we're not having sex for two weeks or whatever it is.
Yvonne [00:27:25]:
Yeah. And it's so helpful for the partner as well to understand you better and the phases you go through. I know for myself a big factor as well is like the whole emotional scale, and that really affects my sex life as well. So I know the week before my period, I get pretty insecure. I have a lot of doubts. I'm feeling like I'm more in my head. So all that is really good to know and to communicate. I communicate that to my partner.
Yvonne [00:27:57]:
Like, this is my insecure week. I would like more of that tenderness, more of the hugs, more of the holding. So I find that really valuable as well to just notice your emotional state of mind. And if you're able to communicate that to your partner, it's beneficial.
Yvonne [00:28:17]:
Yeah, I'm always like, I'm sad today.
Yvonne [00:28:20]:
Okay.
Yvonne [00:28:23]:
Just sad. I love that idea of communicating. Yes. When you're on your period. And also, at any point in time, if you're noticing a change in mood for random reasons, I think it's always good to. I mean, I'm a person that likes to know all of the things, so I'm just like, I'm going to share it all with you because that's how I like to receive. Right. And so I'm just like, yeah, I'm sad today, or I'm annoyed today.
Yvonne [00:28:56]:
It's so important. I also like what you were saying, really paying attention to your level of desires and looking at where you are at on your cycle. Based on that, and vice versa, I tend to, once I have information, I get locked into that information. Like, this is the way it is. So with my cycle, I'm like, oh, this is the week of my period. I'm not feeling sexual or I probably won't want to have sex. I'm feeling more insecure. But then, really, like you said, too, I actually notice I'm sexually active during that time when I'm bleeding.
Yvonne [00:29:36]:
And sometimes I'm like, oh, I'm going against what it's supposed to be, but I'm not. I'm feeling it.
Yvonne [00:29:44]:
Totally. Yeah. It's really just about being in tune with what's going on and not what you think is supposed to happen or you imagine is supposed to happen. It's really just about checking in with yourself and being like, oh, okay, yeah, I am actually wanting to have sex right now, or maybe I'm not wanting to have sex, and that's totally okay.
Yvonne [00:30:06]:
Every situation, every day is different, but just going with the flow and allowing myself to, I guess, not break my boundary, but expand my boundary, change my boundary based on what my body is feeling.
Yvonne [00:30:20]:
Yeah. I love how you said every day is different because it made me think of, like, at least I know I do this, and I think this also happens. I hear this a lot in terms of eating styles or habits and things like that. Everything starts on mondAy, right? And so it's almost like we have this idea. I even said it earlier. I'm sad today. And it's like, maybe I'm just sad in this moment. And sure, I just say today and it's playful or whatever, but it's almost like today I don't want to have sex.
Yvonne [00:30:51]:
And so tomorrow I'm going to have sex. And it's like, what if you just want to have sex later and that's totally fine. But I think we get stuck in this very rigid way of thinking. Kind of like unintentionally of like, okay, today's a no sex day. Tomorrow is a sex day when it's like it could literally change five minutes from now or 5 hours from now.
Yvonne [00:31:11]:
Yeah. And that's okay. Yeah. With boundaries in general as we're learning boundaries as we're getting to know ourselves, and boundaries in relationships, Latina, with our partners, especially knowing that they don't need to be so rigid, they don't need to be so controlled. You are allowed to adjust. You're allowed to mold them to your needs in those moments. So, yeah, letting go of, I guess, that control factor, but it's challenging.
Yvonne [00:31:47]:
Yeah, definitely.
Yvonne [00:31:50]:
So what I'm going to say, people.
Yvonne [00:31:52]:
Are going to hate and it's okay, but it's really about the more that you practice, the easier it gets. But that also means that you actually have to do it. Sorry, I wish I could tell you something different, but it's really just about a practice and of letting go of that control. And I know that it feels scary and frustrating, but it's so interesting because the more that you let go of control, it's almost like the more control.
Yvonne [00:32:24]:
That you have sometimes the whole thing is really serious and we can take ourselves. I know for myself, I take myself really seriously sometimes. And when I just embrace the humor and the fun, to me, that's also an ingredient that I need in the bedroom. Like that lightness and that fun and not taking ourselves too seriously and having a laugh. I like having a laugh during sex. That opens the door for pleasure for me. And it helps me relax and. Yeah, just having fun.
Yvonne [00:32:59]:
Totally. Yeah. I think there's this notion that sex is supposed to be really serious, or at the very least, very passionate. And it's like sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's very sloppy and not sloppy in the way that you would think is like, oh, this is hot. Like sloppy as in just really gross and whatever that means for you. And sometimes it's really awkward and funky, and sometimes you accidentally bump heads or whatever. My partner need me one time on my butt on accident.
Yvonne [00:33:40]:
Are you okay? And I'm like, I think I have a bruise. But it was just, like, funny, but it also hurt. And so we were just laughing about it, but also checking in with one another.
Yvonne [00:33:50]:
Yeah.
Yvonne [00:33:51]:
And I tell my clients all the time, I'm always laughing during sex, but I love to laugh. And it's just like something that I do regularly, and it takes away the. I think, honestly, that the laughter. I'm so glad you mentioned this, because as we're talking about it, I think that the laughter is really the way that we let go of that control is because it allows us to ease into it. It makes it less. Yes, less serious, but less serious in the sense of we don't need to do all of these things. It almost makes it like, whatever is the word that's coming to mind. It doesn't really matter.
Yvonne [00:34:34]:
It's not this high stakes thing. Right. It's just like, we're doing this just for fun. Who cares what happens, right? And a lot of us go into sex being like, no, I need to have pleasure if I'm spending my time doing this, especially women. Right? If I'm doing this, then it needs to be worth it, which means I need to have pleasure and I need to orgasm, and this needs to happen. And the connection needs to happen now, because otherwise it doesn't happen in all of these things. And when we do that is when the pleasure and the fun get sucked out of it.
Yvonne [00:35:06]:
It reminds me of a quote. I have it hanging up in my office and it says, what if your relationship was your playground and thinking about sex life? It's like, well, having sex as an adult, it's our adult playground.
Yvonne [00:35:23]:
Yeah, totally.
Yvonne [00:35:25]:
In your practice or in your coaching business, the people you work with, specifically, the ones that are just getting into relationships or just starting to date, what's their biggest concern with sex? Yeah.
Yvonne [00:35:42]:
So I was actually just having a conversation with a new client yesterday, and same concern as always. It's very much like I'm going to start dating and I don't know if it's going to be the same as previous partners or I'm going to feel uncomfortable because I don't know what I'm doing. And that really buys into the belief, though, that there's one way to have sex or to do sex. Right? And there's not. And I think that that comes from this notion that everybody, men are this way and women are this way, and this is what men like and this is what women like. And then, like, that's not really a thing. All individuals are different. So if we just focus on women, some women like anal, some people are like.
Yvonne [00:36:33]:
And then some women are like, absolutely not. Right. So it's like even amongst the same sex, the same gender, same group, whatever demographic it is, there are differences. Yeah. So some women are like, how do I give the best blow job? But that is kind of like, for lack of better words, like, useless question. Because what your partner likes isn't going to be what my partner likes, and what my partner likes isn't going to be what the next person likes. Right. So there is no one way.
Yvonne [00:37:01]:
Yes, there are several positions and ways to do things that a vast majority of people like. But when you are approaching it from, like, there's one way or there's a better way to do that, you're really doing a disservice to your partner. You're doing a disservice to yourself and really the session as a whole, because then you're in your head focusing on like, okay, did I check all the boxes? Versus really exploring your partner and what's going on for them.
Yvonne [00:37:30]:
We like to be experts in our field. I think everyone does.
Yvonne [00:37:33]:
It's like when we start a new.
Yvonne [00:37:34]:
Job, those first three months are really, especially at first, you're like, what is this? How do I find my place?
Yvonne [00:37:41]:
And that's kind of similar. Definitely. Yeah. And I think approaching it from, I know, almost like a blank slate, like a beginner's mind of, like, I do not know anything about this person and their pleasure or almost like, I know nothing about sex. In essence, it can really take that pressure off because if your goal is to just explore and to collect data on your partner and what it is that you all like together and what your partner likes, then it takes that pressure off because you're literally just collecting data versus. I have to do this. Right.
Yvonne [00:38:20]:
And one of the questions I had for you was, how do the sexual needs of men versus women differ? But you just kind of answered it, saying that, well, everyone has different needs. Is there something that does stick out to you in that?
Yvonne [00:38:36]:
Yeah. So I think for me, honestly, I really think that the differences are based on the socialization that we receive and that really affects how we end up showing up. So there's this notion that men are supposed to want sex all the time and women aren't, and women don't really enjoy sex. And so that really impacts how we show up in the bedroom, even if we don't actually believe those things. Those messages, I call it like, the mom voice. It's like those messages are still playing in the background and you can hear your mom saying them, or whoever it was that gave you these messages, like playing in the background. Deep down, if you're believing that you're not supposed to like sex, then you're going to show up, like, oh, yeah, I don't really like sex. It almost becomes like an identity, right? Like, I identify as a woman and women aren't supposed to enjoy sex.
Yvonne [00:39:30]:
And if I do enjoy sex, then that means something's wrong with me. So I'm not going to admit that I like sex or I'm not going to try to like it and I'm just going to not enjoy it.
Yvonne [00:39:40]:
For me to today, embrace my pleasure and say I love sex and really embrace that part of myself has been challenging because there is that what the voice that pops up for me is this thing. You're only good enough for sex. My partner is just taking what he needs. So that's that voice that pops up even though I'm experiencing pleasure, even though I'm loving it, and it's such a fun thing. This old voice does come in.
Yvonne [00:40:14]:
Thanks so much for sharing that. Yeah, that makes me think of a conversation that I have with my clients all the time, and this is like an experience I had as well, as if my brain offers me shitty thoughts to believe all the time. All the time about sex, about all of the things. It doesn't really matter. And it's really just trying to keep me safe. It's like a helicopter, Mom.
Yvonne [00:40:38]:
Like, oh, don't do that.
Yvonne [00:40:39]:
Do this. All of those things. And when I came to the conclusion that, what if these thoughts never go away, I felt like I did so much work to try to change my thought patterns and all of that. And I've done a lot of work and continue to do a lot of work. And also, like you mentioned, those thoughts are still going to come up. They're ingrained in you at this point, and it doesn't mean that you have to believe them, but it's okay that they show up. So I like to operate from the premise of, like, these are just never going to go away. So it's not a problem when they're here.
Yvonne [00:41:16]:
They're supposed to be here, right? It's like, I don't wake up every morning and be like, fuck, I have arms again, right? I'm not so mad that I have arms. I have arms and I know that. And then I wake up and I'm like, okay, yes, they're here again. They're supposed to be here. And it's okay that they're there.
Yvonne [00:41:35]:
Yeah, totally. And you're right, they're not going to go away. They're just ingrained in us. They may lessen in intensity. And I think, like you said, doing the daily work and healing and growing and taking care of ourselves, that's going.
Yvonne [00:41:50]:
To strengthen those parts, like our true.
Yvonne [00:41:52]:
Selves, like the parts that want to just flow and have pleasure. And the stronger they get, the quieter those other voices become. But they'll still be there. I find what helps me as well is to say, is this mine? This isn't mine. This was my mother's. So I want to ask you, your coaching practice, I guess you're focused on Latinas, is that correct? Because that's the female.
Yvonne [00:42:23]:
Right.
Yvonne [00:42:24]:
For the Latinas Latinos, what is the general term?
Yvonne [00:42:28]:
Yeah, so you could say, like, Latina or Latina. I focus on individuals that have been socialized as women. So because I identify as Latina, I use the term Latina. I say Latinas all the time just because that's how I identify and show up. And in referring to other people, I've kind of just been like, okay, I'm going to say individuals of Latin descent, and that takes care of it. All right. Anyhow, so my focus is on the Latino population. That is really kind of where my heart lies in that demographic.
Yvonne [00:43:03]:
I'm also a sexological researcher, so the research that I do is in that community as well. However, I do understand that every person on this planet needs some type of support, and so I do provide coaching services to individuals that are not of Latin descent.
Yvonne [00:43:24]:
You mentioned your heart lies with the Latin descent population. So can you talk a bit more about that? Talk more about how you chose that direction of work and also to focus on the Latina population?
Yvonne [00:43:40]:
Yeah, definitely. So I was raised in two households, so my parents were separated since I was young, so my dad is Mexican and my mom is German. And so my mother was really adamant about me knowing and connecting with my Mexican side. And so she was really adamant about me learning Spanish and being really close to being proud of being Mexican and being Latina. And so then when I would come to my dad's, it was kind of just like, this is just who we are. It wasn't really a push for that, but my mom was really just like, no, I want you to be connected to these roots. I would see the very distinct differences in the way that my Mexican side of the family, or even our friends that were of Latin descent, how they kind of treated sex and how they talked about it or didn't talk about it and how much more open my mom, at the very least, was. And so I really noticed that.
Yvonne [00:44:48]:
And I noticed that I wanted to be somebody, that one. I was fascinated with sex and the science of it and all of that. And so I always really wanted to teach about it and talk about it in some capacity. And I was like, you know what? Not that I have to choose, but I was like, if I had to choose between teaching stereotypical Americans about sex or if I had to teach Latinas about sex, because in my mind, they're the ones that need it the most. I do think that everybody needs it, and I think they are at a distinct disadvantage for a multitude of reasons. And so, yeah, I was just like, yeah, I actually do want to. And I actually considered like, okay, maybe I'm just going to do. Maybe I'm just going to help out women.
Yvonne [00:45:38]:
That's who I'm going to be. I identify as a woman and all of that. And I just kept coming back to, no, I really want to help the Latina population.
Yvonne [00:45:50]:
Interesting. As you were talking, being German myself, remembering the differences for me between growing up in Germany with sexuality, how it was taught and talked about over there, versus in where I live now, Canada, very stark differences between those two. So as you're talking about your mother, I'm like, that makes sense to me that you were raised quite openly on the subject because, yeah, growing up in Germany, it's a very open subject. Nudity is very open. It's a very natural thing, sex. I had my first sex ed course in grade three. Educational aspects of sex are talked about. It's very open.
Yvonne [00:46:32]:
Whereas over here, it was very conservative, very prude, I suppose. So I'm wondering, what were some of the biggest differences? Like, when you go to Mexico, how did you first notice those differences with how sex was talked about in your German household versus or in North America versus Mexico?
Yvonne [00:46:55]:
Where do I start? There are so many things that I want to say. Yeah, okay, so first. So my dad's household is actually here in the United States, and I do have differences in talking about Mexico. I have a story that I can tell. So when it comes to being raised between my mom's household and my dad's household, it was very much like, I hate clothes. If this was not on camera, I would probably be naked. I do not like clothes. They bother me.
Yvonne [00:47:24]:
They always have. And so it was very like. She was like, okay, you need to put on some clothes. But it wasn't like this, like, oh, my God, you're showing any type of skin type of thing. It just wasn't a big deal. Whereas I went to my dad's household and it was very, like, you needed to be covered up. And it was very, just like, why are you wearing that? That's so short. Like, all of that kind of conversation.
Yvonne [00:47:50]:
My mom was also very open. I remember one time, I think I was in high school, maybe I want to say I was in high school or junior high, and she was like, for some reason, they were talking about blow jobs on the radio, and I don't know how till this day, but somehow it came up, and she was like, do you know what that is? And I was like, yeah, we're actually not having this conversation, but thanks for asking, because I did know, and I just did not want to have that conversation with her. I don't think that it was necessary. So I was like, yeah, I'm just not open to having this conversation. And we kind of, like, ended the conversation. But she was just regularly asking me questions and checking in to make sure none of that ever happened. There was, like, no talk about it whatsoever. And I even see.
Yvonne [00:48:32]:
So I have half siblings, so they're, like, from my dad, but not from my mom. And I definitely see the Stark differences in the way that they talk about sex or think about sex, even, like, my cousins on my dad's side, the way that they talk about sex. And I've had my cousin, who's maybe a few years younger than me, asking me questions and things like that simply because it just wasn't talked about. So it's a lot of unknown information and kind of just, like, assuming and getting the information from outside. And then when it comes to Mexico, I think it's different in the sense that I don't actually think that one. They don't talk about sex. That's just not a thing. And I can only speak of where My family is from.
Yvonne [00:49:24]:
And so it may be different in other areas, but for the most part, it's not really talked about. Even if you watch Mexican TV shows or South American TV shows, Central American TV shows, it's very much so of, like, even like, the sitcoms or like, the soap operas, it's very much so. Like, you have sex when you're married. That is kind of like the overarching message. If someone is pregnant, then they're to get married. And I think it's because of the influence of Catholicism in the culture. Even for those that are not religious necessarily, they're very uncomfortable about talking about it, and I think it's just because.
Yvonne [00:50:04]:
It'S not talked about. Yeah. So your work in that demographic must be so vital and so welcome, and to just have someone be able to have a space that they can open up and ask questions and explore sexuality in a safe space.
Yvonne [00:50:25]:
Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I think I've had so many people say, like, I've never seen a Latina talking about sex before. And I'm like, this is fascinating to me. I'm shocked every time I hear that, but I'm like, okay, this is exactly why my group program is a Latina only space, because I think we do have a very unique experience. I think that other people of color likely have the same experience as well, and I just wanted to create a space where we can come together and have a very similar unique experience and have these conversations. And then I have one on one coaching services where it's like, anybody and everybody, which is literally anybody and everybody, needs sex coaching. Yeah.
Yvonne [00:51:10]:
That they can join as well.
Yvonne [00:51:13]:
I love that. So before we start wrapping up, I just want to ask you, is there anything that you're burning to tell us about, or is there any, I don't know, if you have any interesting statistics or anything like that that you can kind of share with us to stick out to you?
Yvonne [00:51:34]:
Yeah. So what I'm going to say, I'm surprised I didn't say this, because I'm like. I usually preface with this, but I think our conversation started differently, and that's totally fiNe. Is that so? I always talk about pleasure being power, and what that means to me is that pleasure is actually an emotion. So an emotion are like Physical sensations that we feel in our body, which, the way that I teach it, they're created by our thoughts and all of that. To say, like, the too long didn't listen of that is that. That means that if we are the ones that generate pleasure for ourselves, then that means that we are able to experience pleasure independent of what our partner is doing. I think I kind of touched on this in my story, that I was the common denominator whenever I was having an orgasm, and that is because I was really allowing myself to lean into that pleasure and leading with that.
Yvonne [00:52:28]:
And so you can have pleasure at any time, and any amazing sexual experience you've ever had was really accredited to you? Sure, there might have been a person involved or like a position or something like that that may have helped, but you created that. And to me, that is so powerful.
Yvonne [00:52:46]:
I love that. And for women that are apprehensive about getting intimate for the first time after a long time, or that might be having some issues in their partnership. What's, like, one piece of advice you have just for a simple step to start getting in touch with our own Pleasure and our own.
Yvonne [00:53:07]:
Yeah, I think it's really about Understanding your body, because the more that you understand your body, the more willing you are to Advocate for yourself. I think I see this a lot of time in medical scenarios where we're not really sure what's going on. And so we kind of just take what the doctor says is fact, even though we are the ones that know our body best. And so it's really about getting Familiar with your body. So, yes, masturbation is an Option if that's what you want to do. And I would say the way that I can best describe it is there are two types of masturbation. There's a masturbation that you're doing because you just want the Experience and all of that. But if you're going to masturbate, I would really say do it in a way that is exploratory.
Yvonne [00:53:55]:
The same way that you would explore a partner's body. Right? Like getting really familiar. You're like, oh, I like that. What did I like about that? How can I get more of that? And really almost like treating your body as like a science experiment of just collecting all the data that you can, both sexual and otherwise. Right. Because you can even just explore your body without it being like masturbation. I call this, like, non sexual masturbation, right? It's really just like, okay, I don't know, how do my breasts feel at any given time during my cycle? How does my stomach feel? Is this normal for me? Is this not. Am I noticing? Maybe I'm bloated just noticing all of the things? Because there are very few people that have looked up themselves naked in a mirror very intricately, right.
Yvonne [00:54:40]:
And then also taking a pocket mirror and looking at your vulva, looking at your butt, like all of those things. And really just getting familiar and getting familiar and taking note of what it is that you like and what it is that you don't like. Because once you know those things, you're going to feel a lot more comfortable speaking up. You likely don't speak up now because, like me, you are like, well, I don't know what to replace it with. I know I don't like this, but I don't know what I do like, so I'm just not going to say anything. Keep in mind this is not like a means to an end. This is going to be a continual exploration, a continuous data collection kind of thing. And you don't need to get to a certain point in order to start having sex, but really just continuously collecting that data.
Yvonne [00:55:30]:
And before you know it, you're going to be like, oh, yeah, I actually know quite a bit about my body now. I don't think we're ever to a point where we know absolutely everything, but the more that we continuously explore that curiosity and get curious about what's going on in our body and all of those things, the communication and the rest and relaxation that I talked about, that kind of just flows from that. So really just starting from the body is like the best step that you can take.
Yvonne [00:56:00]:
So how can people get in touch with you? What's the best way to start working with you? Or just get connected with you?
Yvonne [00:56:08]:
Yeah, totally. So if you are on social media, you can find me pretty much all the socials. So Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, that's pretty much where I am. Sex in Spanglish. So it's Spanish, not Spanish. I have an ebook which I can actually send you the link for, so they could just quickly grab that there. It's a free download. And it's really just about different ways that you can have better sex.
Yvonne [00:56:38]:
Say better in quotes, right? Like, you can enhance your sex life. Sometimes you just need some ideas and want people to tell you what to do. So they're just some fun ideas. And it's really just a basis for individuals to kind of get started thinking about like, oh, I can do this and I can do this because we are creatures of habit and end up doing the same thing over and over and over again, myself included. So it's really just a way to be like, okay, I'm just going to pick a number and we're going to go with that or whatever. And so there are some partnered and some solo activities in there as well. So I will send that over. And then there are two ways to work with me.
Yvonne [00:57:17]:
Currently there is textual healing, which is a one on one coaching container where it's really for those individuals that are looking to solve one problem. You're like, I've been, I don't know, wallowing in this or whatever for so long. I really just want to change this thing. If this was fixed, my life would be like, I don't know, 50 times better, whatever. And so we spend time in WhatsApp and so it's really convenient as well. So for those of you that are in different time zones or are just really busy and you're like, I don't have time to be getting on a call every day or not every day, every week and talking to you, all of those things. It's really for that person that just wants to get in and get out and get that problem solved. So that is my one on one thIng.
Yvonne [00:58:11]:
And then I also have a group container that is a Latina only space. And it's really for those individuals that are looking for a complete 180, right. They want to take a deep dive into the socialization of a Latina, how that really impacts their lives in general and also their sex lives, and really do that in community.
Yvonne [00:58:29]:
I'll make sure to link all those in the show notes, that it's an easy click, and I'll be checking out that ebook myself. So that's awesome. Wonderful. Okay. And finally, while we wrap up today, what song are you dancing to nowadays?
Yvonne [00:58:45]:
What song am I dancing to? It's sad. I really listen to probably like the same 15 songs over and over.
Yvonne [00:58:52]:
I hear you.
Yvonne [00:58:54]:
So I actually listen to, if you type in salsa on Pandora, they literally play probably like the same 15 to 20 songs. That is what I dance to. That is what I listen to when I clean the house. And I swear there are no new songs on there ever. Which is probably why people listen to Spotify. Cool.
Yvonne [00:59:11]:
Well, I'm not sure I'll be able to add that to the Spotify playlist that I have going with all, but I'll get some. If you have any specific salsa songs that you like. Yeah, if you could send me one, that'd be awesome. I'll add that. Perfect.
Well, it was such a treat chatting with you today, Anna. It was really fascinating. I'm super glad that you came on today. Thank you.
Ana [00:59:33]:
Yeah, thanks for having me. It was fun!
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