How to Stop Hating Your Body
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On today's episode we talk about how years of inherited body image beliefs have affected us even as grown ass women. And what we can do to rewrite those beliefs and love our bodies forever more.
I've always loved Dove commercials because they're always focused on women. There was one commercial where they took Mothers and they asked them ‘What do you hate most about your body?’ ‘My thighs are too big, my chest is too small.’ Then they brought in their daughters separate from their mothers and the mothers were behind a screen and the girls mirrored exactly what their Mothers hated about their bodies. And we're talking about little girls whose bodies aren't even developed yet. Who don't have big thighs, who don't have any of those issues. But they watch their mothers and they absorb that self hatred and take it on for themselves.
When I watched my Mom put makeup on and hear her talk out loud, ripping herself apart and then going out in public with her- and I look a lot like my Mother- and people came up to me saying “ You look so much like your Mother" and I thought they were calling me ugly. I still remember the time when I was little, I thought My mom was so pretty, but I heard her say she was ugly so much that I thought ‘ Oh we're ugly, collectively.’
and people came up to me saying “You look so much like your Mother" and I thought they were calling me ugly.
Just the other day I was looking at my face in the mirror and was picking it apart: ‘OMG my jaw is so much like my Mom's, oh my lips are so thin, my eyes look like sad little puppy dog eyes, oh I have such a long face.’ I’ve done it from such a young age that you don't even realize that it actually belongs to my Mother. That's a hard thing to untangle from because it feels so true.
I feel like women really teach each other, not just through familiy generations, but in society, what our bodies look like, what they should look like and what is bad and what is good. Based on our own beliefs and what was passed down to us. And we've been keeping ourselves locked in this system. And I'm not just talking about social media. I am talking about everyday interactions with women.
We've been keeping ourselves locked in this system
I remember working at a gym and one lady was like ‘ Oh your face is so long’, just randomly. I didn't know I had a long face until that woman told me. I didn't know that that was a bad thing.
Before jumpsuits were popular I wore one for my sister-in-law's wedding shower. I walked into the room that was already packed and everyone stopped talking and looked at me. Not a single person said ‘You look good’, they just gave me that look. I really had to breathe through that situation because I felt like I was being judged by every single person there because I wore something different than them. I felt good about myself until I walked into the room. I was sitting with it and I was like ‘ OMG I am so stupid, I am so ugly, how could I wear something like this?’ And I just sat and observed how I felt and what I was saying to myself.
It's also perception. We perceive people to judge us, every human being judges, but do we know what they're thinking if they're not saying it out loud? We don't. When you wear something different you are going to be looked at, you are going to be assessed, and judged, but we don't know what the judgement is. Maybe ‘ OMG I wish I could look as trendy as her’ or ’ I never thought to wear something like that’ , or ‘Wow, where did she come from?’ We don't know what the actual judgements are.
How do we perceive each other? You mentioned the lady at the gym that said "You have a long face", which is interesting because you said " I never knew I had a long face" Well, you don't. I look at you now and I don't see a long face. Her perception was you have a long face, for whatever reason, but then we take those words on as truth.
For whatever reason, we take perceptions on as truth.
I was 15 and in high school. I had bigger boobs and I wore a tank top without a bra in my house. I was hanging out with my sister and my sister said " Your boobs make me feel uncomfortable." In that moment I said " My boobs make people feel uncomfortable. I need to package them up, wear a bra and make sure they're not sagging and bouncing all over the place." In that moment I determined "My breasts= discomfort to other people ''. Just by one sentence that was said. Now if she would've said "Your hair makes me uncomfortable" I would've been like ‘wtf is wrong with you?! How is my hair uncomfortable?’ I would've wagged my hair all over the place. But because she said ‘ Your boobs make me feel uncomfortable’ I took that as truth and pretty much until I was 30, I did not show my breasts to my partners. If we were having sex I'd cover my boobs with my arms, pillow. Just because of that one comment. The reason I took that on for my breasts was because my Mom never liked her breasts. She always said her breasts were too tiny. I think I grew up knowing my breasts looked different from what I was seeing on TV in magazines. What I saw was perky, firm, perfect areolas, large nipples, just perfect and knowing ‘ OK I don't look like that.’ My hair might not have been long and blonde and my legs weren't long and skinny, but that didn't affect me. My Mom's relationship with her legs was OK, my Mom's relationship with her breasts was not. It's only been in the last few years that I feel good about my breasts, that I can look in the mirror and say ‘ These are my breasts’ and... I feel odd saying it, I'm not at that level yet, but ‘they are beautiful. My partner thinks they're beautiful.’ But it's like... I'm 36.
I have another story for you. I bet you every woman has these stories. That is so sad but true. So I was at a volleyball tournament. I love dimples. I loved dimples so much. And I was sitting with my short shorts on with my teammates and I looked at my thighs and I saw I had dimples all over my thighs. I was 13 years old and I was like Guys look! I have dimples all over my thighs! I love them!" There was a woman sitting beside me and she said "That's cellulite and that's not good." Isn't it insane? Isn't it insane? A switch just turned it, just poisoned it. And if it wasn't for that woman at that point in time, it would've happened at some other point. The belief went from "oh how cute" to "this is cellulite. This is bad. What can I do to get rid of this? This is a problem I need a cure for."
I was 13 years old and I was like, “Guys look! I have dimples all over my thighs! I love them!" There was a woman sitting beside me and she said "That's cellulite and that's not good."
I think as Mothers- and you and I are not Mothers, we're aunts- we have a responsibility for our young ones. Even with our relationship with food. There's that narrative "Well I went for a walk today so I am going to eat this brownie." I did this so I can do this. Otherwise this brownie would not be acceptable. Being an aunt, if I eat something healthy or unhealthy I am just eating. It's fuel, it's enjoyment, I like the taste. I think that's important that there's no narrative with it.
So with these beliefs we have about our faces and our bodies, how do we undo 30+ years of inherited beliefs that we're lacking or that we're not pretty enough. How do we heal that?
Awareness is #1. Being aware that it's happening. Like with you and your breasts, do you feel it was awareness first?
Yes I definitely realized it was not normal. And I don't know if I can deem it "not normal" because it was normal to me but it was not what other people did. It was not what relationships looked like so I knew there was something there. It was awareness that I hated my breasts. Honestly, I have to say that social media has played a role in reversing my beliefs. Because we have more women on social channels, TV, Netflix posting more of themselves, unfiltered, natural, in all shapes and sizes. So I am seeing my breasts on social media, I am seeing my breasts out in the world and I'm like "Oh and this person is proud of them, this person is wearing the dress I thought I could never wear.” So seeing women celebrate their own bodies and each others bodies has been really helpful. And I don't for a second think that the women who are posting these pictures are celebrating as they're posting, I believe it's challenging for them, but they're doing for us. We are doing it for each other. And also talking about it. Showing up and acknowledging this is hard but I am doing it. I am showing up. That often times will motivate another woman. I would've never in a million years thought you'd have any issues with your looks because the first time I saw you I was like "Wow, she's so pretty" we don't think these things about each other. Seeing women and hearing women say this is really hard for me, it's like "Oh, OK. She's just like me."
Seeing women celebrate their own bodies and each others bodies has been really helpful. We are doing it for each other.
I've been doing the Hawaiian technique: Ho'oponopono. It's a technique where you say 4 statements:
I am sorry.
Forgive me.
Thank you.
I love you.
This is something I say inside my head or when I'm alone I say it out loud. You're supposed to direct that to your inner self, to your Inner Child.
I am sorry for believing this story and for causing you so much pain.
Forgive me for putting this burden on you for so long.
Thank you for being here bringing this up. Thank you for letting me realize this is still an issue for me.
I love you.
My goal right now is to look myself in the mirror everyday and to say "I am sorry" ....... oh I am so emotional right now. Wow. I was not expecting that. It's so hard to look at yourself in the mirror. Can I trust who I see in the mirror as what I actually see? And is it a big deal if I love myself and love the way I look. Can I just do it for myself?
Is it a big deal if I love myself and love the way I look. Can I just do it for myself?
I am just going to sit here for a minute, drink some water.
Thanks for sharing that and for being vulnerable and real. And I feel that, I felt every word. I think women can really identify with that. I don't think there are many women that don't feel that way when they look in the mirror and pick themselves apart.
I want to love my face. I want to appreciate myself as an individual. When I notice I am judging my legs or I am judging my face or I am feeling bad about my body and don't want to be seen I am going to use that technique. And I will let you know how it goes! I love that it's the beginning for me on this new technique because I feel like it's about acknowledging the pain I've caused and how much I've missed out on in life when I feel like I'm not good enough. I am so sorry I've been doing this for such a long time, I am tired, I don't want to do this anymore.
On saying that, you know what, this was the first summer I consistently wore short jeans shorts. I didn't have my ass cheeks hanging out, but they were short. I wasn't thinking about it, I was just wearing them and that's what I wanted. I didn't even notice it just happened! I also for the first time wore a tank top without a bra... in public!
That's awesome, to go braless in public! Why is that so friggin’ hard for me? I'll work on this, I'll work with this technique and we'll see where I am next summer!
To take us out today, I am going to read a poem by Marilyn Nelson. It's called A Strange Beautiful Woman.
A strange beautiful woman met me in the mirror the other night.
Hey!
I said, What you doing here?
She asked me the same thing.
That's it? That's it. Wow, I love it!
Thanks so much for joining us everybody, we will see you next time! If you enjoyed today's episode we think you will love Episode 2- Understanding Pain- What Your Body is Trying to Tell You.
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