EP 14- How To Find Love And Healing After A Toxic Relationship | with Kalyca Zarich

This woman swore off men and was single for years before an unexpected conversation with a co-worker altered her life and expanded her soul in ways she never imagined...

Join Kalyca Jin Zarich and myself as we open up about past codependent relationships, and how we lost ourselves in trying to be the savior for our partners; leading to a lack of self-identity and loss of self-trust.

Kalyca's talks about her personal battle with an eating disorder and how her current partner's trustworthiness allowed her to open up and share her vulnerable truth.

Yvonne [00:00:25]:

Well, thank you so much for joining me here today, Kalyca. I'm super happy you're here.

Kalyca [00:00:54]:

Thank you. It's such an honor to be with you, and I'm very excited.

Yvonne [00:00:59]:

Awesome. Thank you. To start, I want to ask you how and when did you know that your partner, Logan was your person?

Kalyca [00:01:08]:

To be honest, it was shockingly apparent very early on, we connected on such a deep level, one of the very first times we ever actually talked to each other one on one. So we were introduced through work. At the time, we worked at Oscar Blues Brewery in Colorado, and he worked in the finance department. I was moonlighting in the tap room. But we had never had a true one on one deep conversation.

And for some reason, that night when we first did, I felt like my soul had been expanded, and I felt such a crazy strong connection to him. And the talking that we did, it just felt so natural and so comfortable, and I felt seen and held and heard, and it did kind of freak me out a little bit because of the headspace I was in at that time.

I think prior to meeting him, I had really kind of retracted. I was kind of in like a hermit state where I'd really pulled away from everyone but my very closest friend. I'd kind of pulled away and retracted from family even, and was really practicing a lot of self isolation outside of work. I guess that's where the vulnerability comes in, because even in that first conversation, I could feel myself opening back up to life.

Yvonne [00:03:00]:

Wow.

Kalyca [00:03:01]:

There was also this synergy that we had, and still do, thankfully, that I don't know, I kind of have to believe is maybe like otherworldly or this universal energy that we share that kind of magnetized us to each other.

Even thinking back on it now, I have goosebumps all over, but everything around us disappeared. The people, the hustle and bustle, the sounds. It was just me and him connecting on this deep soul level.

Yvonne [00:03:34]:

Despite these super strong feelings, this knowing, this synergy, everyone disappearing. You mentioned you battled yourself because you didn't want to or you didn't believe it. So I want us to keep this just aside for a moment.

Before we go there, I want to ask you, how did you feel before you went to see him? Do you remember that? Was there anticipation, like, before this first, I guess, date?

Kalyca [00:04:03]:

Yeah. To be honest, I had sworn off men for the rest of my life, and I was adamant. So I was in a really unhealthy, what I would consider toxic relationship for many years as I was younger.

I left that relationship in 2012, and then I didn't date again for over four years when I met Logan, and prior to meeting him, I had convinced myself that I was never going to ever date a man, didn't want to get married, don't want to have kids, leave me in the heck alone mentality. And that's how I operated. Like, going to meet and hang out with Logan the first time. I didn't think anything of it in the very beginning because that wasn't even something that had crossed my like, he wasn't even an option, I guess, is how I would describe it.

I actually have a really poignant memory of that time because I had told myself, like, no, not going to happen. He's not your type. Like, all these storylines, right? And I remember calling my mom. I was on a run one day, and I always called my mom when I was outdoors out enjoying life. And I remember asking or telling her, like, oh, there's this guy who has expressed interest. He's kind of trying to date me. I'm not sure how I feel about it. He's not really my type.

And I will never forget what my mom said because it was so profound. She said, given your past experiences, maybe it's time for you to open up to a different type. Like mom, just like mic dropped.

And then she went on to share her story of how she met my dad and how they had become lifelong companions. And her statement to me was like, are you looking for a thrill, or are you looking for a lifelong companion? And I'll always remember that conversation because it was really a turning point for me to kind of slow down and be like, wait a minute. Maybe this is something that could be really good for me, especially now.

My mom actually passed away in 2018, and just having her be kind of woven into our love story makes it so much more meaningful for me.

What's really interesting is that he and I both being in the headspace of I don't want to date anyone, showed up to those first few dates of like, 100% authentic no holds barred. We both looked at each other, and we're like, do you want kids? And I was like, no. And he's like, no. That was one of the first things we talked about.

A lot of other folks, certain things don't get brought up until later, and then it creates a massive rift between them. Or it was just kind of like we put all of our cards on the table and we were like, this is who I am, so if you don't want to talk anymore, it's cool, I'll be fine. And reflecting back, that was the first time I'd ever done that in the early stages of a relationship.

Yvonne [00:07:36]:

So with this authenticity piece and you were able to just freely say who you were, what you wanted, how was that different? I guess because you mentioned you were in a not so good relationship for many years.

Can you tell me how you were different back then? Who was Kalyca at that time?

Kalyca [00:07:57]:

Love this question. So I started dating my ex, old ex, when I was young. I was like 18 years old, and I think that I was definitely in a place of low self esteem and uncertainty anxiety, trying to figure out who I was. And I kind of fell into that relationship while he was a former military person, and he was pretty significantly older than I was, and somehow our relationship dynamic right out of the gate was very codependent. And I went into it thinking like, oh, he needs me to help him through, because he just had gotten back from Iraq.

And I kind of took on the, I can be this savior for him, or whatever. And I think in that process, being young, I really lost myself. Everything I did was to try and please him or appease him. And I felt like he kind of just took the reins on everything and I allowed him to.

So it created this power struggle. So I think just having had that experience, the power of it is I knew well, first I thought I knew I was never going to be with another man, ever, but then I knew exactly what I would not do again. I made such a strong point to not relive a lot of those really negative habits and patterns because I saw where they led.

Yvonne [00:09:46]:

Oh, man, I can totally identify with your story. I was in a similar relationship, like totally codependent, same thing. He was well, I don't want to say damaged goods, but he had an alcohol problem, he self harmed. I think he was like borderline personality disorder. There was a lot of things and I made it my mission to help this person. And I just went into this caretaker rescue role, which I was repeating from childhood in a way, with just childhood dynamics that kind of made me do the same thing. A

nd yeah, it all became just like you said, all about him making him feel good and then adjusting my personality to him as well. Like, what is going to make him mad? What's going to irritate him? I remember I was such a I'd like to say funny person. And I am now, and I love making jokes and maybe sometimes inappropriate jokes, so I would do that because that's who I am. And I remember he would get so upset. So I stopped doing that, and by stopping that, I was like, I guess, suppressing my true nature. And that was just the entire relationship, adjusting myself to appease, like you said, to meet his needs.

And by the end, it was like, who am I? I actually had no sense of who I was. And then when the relationship ended, it was like somebody had pulled the rug out from underneath me. It was like the great abyss. And same with you, what you said, I'm never going to get into this situation again.

And same thing. I was like, Never ever again. Sometimes you got to be in that dark place, really hit rock bottom to understand who you are, how you want to live your life, and kind of where you want to go.

Kalyca [00:11:52]:

Yeah. Wow, that's such a parallel experience. And I'm sure as a relationship coach, you have seen a lot of parallels, but that's very striking to me how everything you just described was, like, spot on for my experience, too, where it was like I felt like I was shrinking away.

Yvonne [00:12:15]:

Yeah. And my health suffered as well. And knowing what your story is, I want to ask you about that in a moment. But yeah, it's like our bodies in these situations, and I always come back to that in relationships as well.

When we meet a person, when we're with a person, like, how our bodies are responding. What was your body doing and what were you doing during that time?

Kalyca [00:12:40]:

Yeah, I had some unresolved trauma that I had never dealt with, and I think that kind of did play into how I showed up to that old relationship. I think I kind of showed up as a victim, as less than that was what was in my mind. But I think over time yeah, just losing more and more of myself, I felt like I had no control over anything. And I think that being kind of a tumultuous time anyways as a young woman, as a young person. So for me, the coping mechanism that I kind of fell into was an eating disorder.

So I remember kind of having just an overall unhappiness with my body. I felt that way for a long time, and I finally hit a breaking point when I was with him in that relationship where I think a big motivator was that I didn't feel like I had control over anything, and I felt like I had lost myself completely. So the behaviors that I started engaging in kind of filled that void for me and kind of created a dopamine loop because I would restrict, really restrict my calorie intake, and then I would feel like a sense of accomplishment or a sense of, oh, I'm taking control back. Right. And that just kind of perpetuated.

Yeah. So, I mean, a lot of things kind of played into that, and I have, fortunately, overcome that struggle. And I've been in recovery since, honestly, right around the time I met Logan. Okay, we're on that soon.

But, yeah, I mean, I went through a recovery program, and I've done lots of therapy, and I've worked with a coach, and I'm proud to say that I no longer engage in those behaviors. But I do think giving myself some self love to just know that, oh, that was the only way I knew how to cope with what was going on inside of me at the time.

Yvonne [00:15:12]:

So the time when you left that relationship, when you got out of it in those was it four years, you said, till you met Logan. So there must have been mean when you met Logan, you were at this point where you were able to open like something had happened already that got you to this point that you were able to attune to each other. And he was empathetic, compassionate attuned to you.

So in some way, you must have been empathetic and compassionate towards yourself to be able to receive that.

So I wonder, when you left that relationship in those four years, what helped you heal that and get to the point where you were able to invite your soulmate in?

Kalyca [00:15:57]:

It was great for me to be out of that relationship because that was, for sure, a destructive path like no other. But then being out on my own kind of had its own set of challenges.

But I guess there's probably two things that got me through it. I was kind of just surviving. I was surviving when I met Logan, but it was my best friend who was my lifeline, and then I also fell in love with running.

Running actually was a way for me to take my power back. It felt like. Right. Like it was something I was doing. For me, it was something that felt empowering.

I honestly don't even know what it was that made yes. But I think as soon as I got to know him, I could see a future with him. I think that was the first time in several years that I saw any future for myself or had any hope at all.

Yvonne [00:17:03]:

Wow.

Kalyca [00:17:03]:

Maybe on some level, I knew I was getting to the very end of my rope. And then it just so happened that he appeared in my life at a time that I really needed a lifeline.

Yvonne [00:17:15]:

So tell me about the battle that ensued that you had after that initial meeting where all the like, you knew a part of you knew, like your gut knew that this was right, but your mind was fighting it.

So tell me about what that was like.

Kalyca [00:18:46]:

Yeah, I think it was fear. Definitely fear. Fear of being vulnerable. I was honestly kind of in a relationship with my eating disorder, which sounds weird, but that's kind of how they talk about it in recovery is. It kind of swoops in and takes all of your attention, all of your energy, and kind of leeches onto you. And I think that was a part of it is I was like, oh, I can't be in a relationship because there's not going to be room for me, this thing, and a partner. And I also was terrified of sharing any of that kind of stuff with a partner.

But again, Logan being who he is, being so strong, grounded, compassionate, and just someone that I immediately trusted, I pretty much instantly opened up to him about everything. Everything, like things I had never told anyone. Talking about my eating disorder, which was so shameful to me at that time, and something that I didn't even talk to my parents about. It feels like he kind of just came in and pulled this sheet of shame off of me. It was just like, oh, you don't need that anymore. And then I was just like, oh, I can tell you everything.

Yvonne [00:20:10]:

So you must have felt so safe around him and trusted him quickly.

Kalyca [00:20:16]:

We had this thing in the first couple of years of our dating, I had this thing that I would say, like, oh, you saved my life. Without you, I don't think I would have been able to fully recover. Or I was always adamant of like, you saved my life. And he would always be like, no, you saved your own life. I just was here to hold your hand and support you.

And it's crazy because it has started to come full circle where, looking back on it now, I had to have the ultimate act of self trust to open up to him. And in that moment or in those moments where I was able to expand, to be vulnerable, to trust myself, to know that these feelings are legit. Trust yourself. It wasn't even a conscious choice, but it's just how it played out.

But I think that act of self trust reconnected me to me big time. I also remember early on because he showed up so differently than anyone I'd ever met, almost this enlightened being that. And of course, now, knowing his parents, knowing his mom, oh, my gosh, just the way he was raised, everything, and who he is as a human being, it's all part of it.

But I remember reading the book Attached. I don't know if you've ever I'm sure you've read it your relationship coach, but yeah, I remember at the time, I had met him, and my friend recommended that book Attached, and it was all of a sudden like, okay, I get it. He's secure. He's a secure, attached person.

And I think being in that dynamic, it brings you kind of up to that level in some ways where you learn how to be securely attached and how to trust.

Yvonne [00:22:18]:

And I think, too, about what these amazing things you say about him. We mirror the partners that we attract. We mirror the person that we're with. We're always on a similar level.

So even if at the time you didn't see that about yourself, that's what he would have seen as well, like, that same enlightened being, he would have seen that because we mirror each other. So there was some of that in you. Yeah, it's kind of cool to think about these amazing people that we attract. It's like, oh, I must be pretty amazing too.

Kalyca [00:22:56]:

Yeah, he saw what was underneath all of my shame, and he saw who I really was. And maybe that's part of it too, with my healing journey, is having him love me that way, no matter what, has reflected to me. Like, oh, you are worthy of unconditional love, and you can also give that to yourself. Like, if someone else can treat you that way, you can treat yourself that way.

Yvonne [00:23:27]:

Yes, totally. You were in that phase of kind of battling yourself, like, you don't want to get into a relationship.

What was it eventually that made you kind of surrender to it and be like, okay, let's go.

Kalyca [00:23:40]:

He asked me, Would you like to go have sushi with me? And in a moment of kind of that feeling of losing total control, I wrote back without my brain, my heart jumped in and wrote back, I'd Love To! and hit send.

And then I had this sheer panic moment where I almost started crying and was like, what did I just do. I can't go on a real official date like that for a split second, but then it was like, no, you said what you said without thinking about it because it's the right thing.

Because you are supposed to go on this date. And from that moment on, I just trusted the process and I was like, okay, take your head out of this thing. Follow your heart, go with it.

Yvonne [00:24:35]:

And so powerful.

Kalyca [00:24:37]:

Yeah. We kind of did the dance for a little while. Again, him being so incredible, I was working through a lot of stuff about intimacy, and that was not a part of our relationship at all.

We didn't take it to an intimate place in that way until like, six months into officially dating. And he had that much care, consideration, respect for me and my process. So, again, that just speaks volumes to who he is as a person.

Yvonne [00:25:12]:

To both of you as well. For you to even to allow yourself to take that time and not put pressure on yourself and not be like, I have to do this so he likes me, that's like, no, I need this. I have troubles with this. And for him just to be like, I got you. That's amazing.

Kalyca [00:25:31]:

I know. I'm going to start crying. Yeah. Such an incredible human. Oh, my gosh, I feel just, like, so fortunate all the time.

But, yeah, we did the dance for a while and then his birthday is in early April, and we had planned to go to Glenwood Springs together, so we had a plan to go to the mountains and it would be our first kind of couple getaway type thing.

So he ended up not going. But I went. I still went.

Yvonne [00:26:03]:

Giiiirl, yes!

Kalyca [00:26:04]:

I took myself on that weekend getaway.

Yvonne [00:26:08]:

I love that.

Kalyca [00:26:09]:

And that, coincidentally, was the weekend that it was almost like I flipped a switch and I put my eating disorder behaviors behind me and I made a conscious choice to say, like, the road ends here and I'm never going to do those behaviors again.

Yvonne [00:26:34]:

Wow.

Kalyca [00:26:35]:

We went on a hike for his birthday, and on that hike, something happened again. I feel like our souls were like maybe they were, like, reconnecting with each other or I don't know what it was, but I think by the end of that hike, we both just knew again, but this time beyond a shadow of a doubt that, no, we have to pursue this. We're both going to be so sad if we don't give it a shot.

Yvonne [00:27:07]:

Yes, I love that. I love that so much. And you saying you went anyway on this trip and then, oh, my God, that's such an act of self love. And when you think about a person that's codependent, the codependency person, like, your past self would have stayed at home and would have been like, I don't know, just thinking about that person or whatever, just mega focused on someone else.

But in this moment, that's such an empowering decision that you made. Like, I'm going anywhere because I deserve it. I deserve this getaway, and I'm good enough to go with. I'm worthy to go with, even if he cannot join me.

And then to make that decision in that time frame, to be like, this is the end of my eating disorder, and then to have that hike afterwards where the soul? It was like, that was exactly how it had to happen. For you to just show up for yourself in that way and then your souls could as well.

Kalyca [00:28:03]:

I think you're right. I've never actually thought about it in that way, but yeah, it was this, like, me taking these little steps to this massive breakthrough. Yeah, I think I really was. Even though I had convinced myself I wasn't, I was ready to move on with my life and be kind of, like, reborn.

Yvonne [00:28:27]:

Yes. And your heart and your soul knew that you were ready, way ahead of your mind. It's like your mind still was, like, running behind a little bit.

Kalyca [00:28:36]:

Like, let me catch up, right?

Yvonne [00:28:39]:

Yeah. But it did. Yeah. That's awesome. So where are you at today? And where are you and Logan at?

Kalyca [00:28:49]:

I am really proud to say that, like I said back, gosh, that would have been like, 2015, maybe. I put those behaviors behind me and I've never gone back. I think there's always stuff that we carry with us. There's always going to be hard days and things that we work through.

But fortunately, I've continued my journey toward healing and I've met a lot of incredible people on that path and opened myself up to doing stuff like this where I get really vulnerable and share parts of it which souls me would have never imagined.

I'm doing really well. I'm currently a business consultant and business coach, which is a blast, and I am still running, but I've also kind of reformed my relationship to that. And it's like a really joyous, healthy thing that I do with my spare time.

And then Logan and I oh, my gosh, we are closer and more in love than know. We have maintained just that feeling we had when we first met, that we knew we knew that we were each other's forever soulmate partner. And I will say the best gift we've given each other is to be fully transparent and authentic and to have hard conversations when they need to be had and to honor ourselves while honoring each other. Yeah. So we're going super strong.

We've built such an amazing life together. We live together with our dog. We do tons of adventures together. We love to be outdoors, and we support each other through thick and thin and everything in between. And I think we both feel very lucky to have found each other and we both feel very supported in our relationship.

I think for anyone listening, my biggest encouragement is trust yourself. If you get to a point where you have that feeling of like, is this it? Just trust yourself.

Because I can't imagine how different my life would be if I would have shut that off and ran, which was my original inclination.

Yvonne [00:31:38]:

Yes. It just makes me think of this quote about in order to love someone else, you have to love yourself first, or this thing about having that self, you got to work on yourself before you get into relationship.

What do you say about that? Because to me, it sounds like you kind of put this on its head and kind of did your own thing.

So what do you say to that?

Kalyca [00:32:01]:

Yeah, I understand the principle behind that, right? Like, oh, you can't love someone else fully unless you love yourself. But I did not have that experience.

For me, it was the opposite, because I allowed someone else to love me, which really helped me see that I was worthy of being loved. And like I said before, it almost modeled like, oh, this is how you should treat yourself, in a way.

So I don't know, I say that there's no right or wrong order for any of it. And I think especially my encouragement to other women is like I think a lot of times the connection to our intuition, we can kind of sever it somehow, right? Or we get bogged down by a lot of other messages or distracted by things.

But it's like on a core level, you know what is for you, you know that's, right? Sometimes you have to slow down, sometimes you have to strip things away, but you know, deep down and listen to that and tap into that and find some like, maybe it's a coach or maybe it's a therapist, but find someone who can help reconnect you to that too. Because that was the turning point for me.

Like I said, that shift of like, I don't know what's going on and I'm just going to go with it was the best thing I've ever done.

Yvonne [00:33:41]:

And then also whatever connection we can have to our body, like, for you, you started running, for me, I started doing yoga. I think anything that brings us closer to the sensations in our body will help us better listen to our intuition.

Kalyca [00:33:56]:

Yeah. The more I can slow myself down and tune in, the better everything in life is. I'm more present, I can make better decisions. I can know when my intuition is trying to get my attention.

This just came on really strong. This goes alongside cultivating self trust. And maybe this is part of the love yourself first mentality where it's.

Like, value yourself enough to raise your flipping standards, because for so long, I had the lowest standards for what was acceptable treatment of me. Have the highest standards for yourself, because I promise that there is someone out there who has it all, who is brilliant, grounded, supportive, strong, kind, courageous, empathetic, attuned, is handsome and fun and charismatic, and just everything you've ever wanted.

So do not settle. And I know that sounds like a cliche, but, man, I cannot imagine if I would have settled and started dating some bar fly before meeting. How horrible.

Wait as long as it takes. It will be worth it.

When you find your own Logan, you'll just be the happiest person in the world.

Yvonne [00:35:37]:

Yes. So, ladies, to find your own Logan, raise your standards.

Even for me, in the last even six months, I've raised my standards because I'm like, I want a high value man. I'm a high value woman. I need to start acting and being and feeling like one. So it's like wearing clothes that make me feel like a high value woman. It's like washing my hair more like wearing it down more to feel like a high value woman. It's painting my nails. I do a lot of things that just make me feel better.

Like you said, go on that vacation by yourself. Do things for yourself that you would want someone to do for you as well.

Just treat yourself like a gosh darn goddess.

Kalyca [00:36:23]:

Yes. Heck yeah. I think there's power in that because I think it's also magnetizing in a way, right?

Yvonne [00:36:30]:

Totally is.

And also the support system you have around you that's also raise your standards, because, like what you said when you met him, you had your sister and your best friend, so you had that high value people in your life.

So it's like, look at your life and your circle of friends. Are those high value people? Because that's all also going to be a reflection of who you're going to attract.

So that's something I had to do as well, is reevaluate what was working for me and what wasn't. Like, where was their negativity coming in, or just that heavy energy that I didn't want in my life anymore. And then it was about filtering that out, and sometimes that's hard, but also, I feel just awesome where I'm at now.

So, yeah, raise your standards and continue to keep your standards high.

Kalyca [00:37:16]:

Yeah, definitely. And I'm so happy for you, too. I feel like you have this radiant energy that you're exuding.

Yvonne [00:37:27]:

Thanks. That's awesome. Thank you. And so, Kalyca, final question. What song or music piece are you dancing to?

Kalyca [00:37:38]:

OOH, good question. Gosh. Okay, so there's this artist, Max. That I've been really vibing to. He's kind of poppy. The song is called Color Vision!

Yvonne [00:37:57]:

Color vision. Oh, I love it.

Kalyca [00:37:58]:

Color vision. C-O-L-O-U-R vision by Mac okay, cool. Yay.

Yvonne [00:38:06]:

Perfect.

Kalyca [00:38:07]:

I need to hear this playlist of yours.

Yvonne [00:38:10]:

Yes, I'll share it in the show notes so you'll get it.

If someone that is listening resonated with your story, and I'm sure there are many women that are going to be resonating with what you shared with us today, how can they best get in touch with you?

Kalyca [00:38:28]:

Yeah, I would love to connect with anyone. Like I said, I've been so lucky to have the support I've had in my life, but I know that not everyone is that lucky. So if I could ever pay it forward and be supportive of someone else, I would be honored.

So anyone can reach out to me. Probably instagram messenger would be the easiest. My handle is @kalycajinzarich That or on fb, same handle @kalycajinzarich

Yvonne [00:38:56]:

Okay. And I will spell that out in the show notes so the link will be there for everybody.

Awesome. Well, it was such a treat chatting with you today. I feel like there's a lot more that we could go into and explore, but this was just lovely.

And thank you so much for sharing your story and being vulnerable and open with us. And it was a pleasure talking to you and so happy to hear how things have evolved for you and where they're at for you.

So thank you.

Kalyca [00:39:28]:

Thank you so much. It was so amazing getting to know you a little bit better. And yeah, I look forward to listening to your show. Yay. Thanks.